Right now, my heart is raw. Sometimes my awe for my God seems like it will take over me. It almost feels like I'm drowning in the intensity of it, in the ecstasy that His presence in my life evokes. I was home alone on Tuesday morning and I plugged my iPod into our sound system in my living room and was blasting worship music, and I could feel Him so strongly... I spent most of the time on my knees, arms limp at my sides, tears on my cheeks, because really, I can't comprehend Him. I can't even begin to grasp how much He loves me. I can't begin to fathom thepure, unbridled, unashamed, unadulterated LOVE that He pours on me. Seriously. He loves me. ME. Silly, clumsy, goofy, uncoordinated, ridiculous, messy, unintentionally-rude-half-the-time me.
Tonight, this is what is blowing my mind. Tonight, YOU blow my mind, God. Thank You Jesus for never giving up on me. Thank You that in all Your fullness, You make me whole. You take away my emptiness and You re-create me. Thank You, Jesus. Thank You for Your undying passion for me. Thank You that Your nature, Your Character, they are unchanging. Just thank you.
And... to wrap this up, a beautiful song, with one of my best friends singing; Joanie Banville. Thanks Jesus, for Jo and her pure love for You. :)
Last night I was Skyping with a friend, and after our conversation had progressed a bit, she asked me how I was doing. Not the normal, "How are you?" but the deep, probing, "How ARE you? Really? What's going on in your heart?".
When people ask me that question, I usually want to skip right by it, ignore the fact that I am hurting, that my relationship with people and with Jesus isn't where it should be. I don't want to lay myself out for them to see, I don't want to admit that I'm messing up a little--or a lot. But as I began to open up and let my dear friend know how I was doing--really-- I found that I had thoughts and realizations and feelings pent up that I didn't know about. Fancy that.
We began to discuss our relationships with Jesus at present, and as our hearts poured out to each other, I began to cry. My relationship with my Father in heaven hasn't been what it should be, I've been tossing up prayers and barely acknowledging Him as I go throughout my day, hoping He'll cater to my wishes. How jacked up is that? My perspective has been jaunted at a seriously dangerous angle. As my friend (Charis) and I continued our conversation, we encouraged each other and discussed the differences between mistakes and sin, and how we often write sin off as a mistake, rather than taking responsibility and admitting we have done wrong. Guess what? I do that all the time! I have been doing it with my relationship with God, and last night I had some serious convictions about it.
Charis and I have a beautiful sister relationship, and as we expressed our desires for a deeper and more meaningful relationship with Christ, something amazing emerged. My heart has been wrapped up in apathy and self-centeredness, and I have been unwilling to acknowledge that. I have been unwilling to admit that I am "slipping back" or falling into the sins that I used to practice daily. But as we were talking, I stepped up to admit that I have been failing at actively pursuing God, which, ironically, is the only thing I truly desire.
In Romans 7:14-20, Paul has it nailed. I want to glorify God with everything that I do, but instead, I do what I hate and go in the complete opposite direction. And then I try to justify it by blaming it on the atmosphere around or how busy I am. Goodness, this whole sin thing sucks. But the beauty of it all is that there is Grace. I had an amazing epiphany last night.
Charis and I were talking about grace, and she mentioned that in Greek, her name means 'Grace', and my middle name is Grace, and our friend Hannah's name means Grace of God. While we were discussing how cool it is that we all have similar names, my mind got hit by a freight train, and was blown away.
Okay, so my middle name is Grace. I have always joked about it, because I am anything but graceful. I'm clumsy. I mess up a lot. I trip and fall over all the time. So my name is a joke, right? No. Not anymore.
I am not named Grace because it describes my abilities or the way I walk or talk or my character. I am named Grace because I was given grace by the only One who is worthy to give it. My flesh fails Him day in and day out, and no matter what I do in my own strength, I will always fail, because I am weak. BUT.
HE GAVE ME GRACE. He gives me grace. He will continue to shower me with grace.
Ho-ly crap. I thought about this and my mouth seriously dropped open and I sat staring into space sputtering like a little kid who hasn't gotten his candy on Halloween. Really, my mind was blown. I don't need to describe the word Grace. I am not Grace. HE is Grace.And He loves me enough to give me His grace, every day. And just to remind me, just to assure me that He will never fail me, He tells my parents to name me after Him. Sometimes I want to knock on His door and be like, "Um, excuse me? You named me wrong. I'm not very full of Grace. I get impatient. I want to hurt people sometimes. It's not fitting for me... change it?" and I imagine Him smiling and taking me into His arms and saying something like, "Baby Girl... It's not your grace I wanted to give you. It's mine. So take it, it's free, it's yours, it is always there. Draw strength from Me, and you won't have to worry about failing, because I've got your back. Always. I've got you, darlin'." And again: HOLY crap. Mind blown. He wants to give me Grace--He has given me Grace-- and He wants me to draw my power from Him always.
So. My perspective has once again shifted, this time towards Him, and I wanted to share this with you because He completely reconstructed my way of thinking last night. I am stepping into this Grace with everything that I have, because it was made for me and it was tailored to fit me perfectly. I am honored to take this Name that He has given me and ride out on His power.
This is who I am now. This is what I was made for. I worship You, Jesus.
One thing I've learned in the past year is that there is no easy way to tell a painful story. However... the more you tell it, the easier it flows from your tongue, and though the pain still lingers at parts, the audience recieves a taste of the emotions that my heart has gone through, the most amazing of which is freedom.
I attend a women's Bible study on wednesday nights (well...my attendance is a bit spotty, but I go when I can) and are going through the book of Esther, using curriculum and a video by Beth Moore. This past wednesday, we talked about the reversal of destiny. Beth describes the reversal of destiny as, "...where what appeared to be the future is suddenly changed by an intervention that can only be divine." We talked about the pivoting points at which someone's life is changed completely, and how that happens. For Esther, it happens when she is thrust into Persian royalty and had to take matters of her country into her own hands. Her destiny was drastically altered when she was plucked off the streets and sent to the palace... then again, when she learned of the treachery Haman was plotting against her people. Esther didn't know what was going to happen, she didn't know that she would be in a place of great power with the king, where she was the only one who could appeal to him for the lives of the Jews. She didn't know what was going to happen once she stepped up and approached the king to save her people.
What blows me away is that, even though Esther didn't know what was going to happen--she didn't know if she would be alive by the end of the day--she went for it anyways. Esther was called to obediance, and she followed through with her calling. She didn't have to know how it was all going down, but when she obeyed, her future was once again drastically altered.
I've never paid much attention to the book of Esther before, but now I can relate a bit. I haven't been crowned queen or anything, but my future has been drastically altered through obediance. You may not know my full story, and I may share it someday on this blog, but all you need to know at the moment is that my past has been incredibly trying. I've been through things that young women, little girls, should never have to go through. I was lost in anger and frustration and fear for a long time. Within the past year (more specifically, the past 7 months) I have given my entire life up to God in a new and fresh way.
Through this process, I have experienced a complete reversal of everything in my life... a complete reversal of destiny, that could only be orchestrated by Him! My thoughts have turned from myself to others, my attitude has changed from self-seeking to serving others, and my future... that scares the crap out of me. I feel God calling me to an area of ministry that I know will be incredibly challenging, but also incredibly rewarding and beautiful. My future before encountering God's presence consisted of going to a community college and working my tail off at a dead-end job. My life seems to have done a complete 180, and I can only attribute that to GOD'S UNFAILING GOODNESS!
I can't completely capture my appreciation and love for Him and the work that He has done in my life in this blog post, it all sounds like rambling sentences, but I can say that I am captivated. And the fact that He loves me (he loves YOU) enough to completely turn me around... that speaks amazing volumes. I am in awe.
Sometimes it seems like there's not much reason to sing. It's raining outside, and it's cold, and my heart is feeling more uncertain by the minute... God doesn't seem to be answering, or He doesn't even seem to be there. Nothing is working out the way I expected. I lost my job. It's hard to play guitar when my fingers are no longer used to the strings. I have no drive to do anything, I have no motivation... why sing?
And then I remember.
I remember that I just ate rice with chicken curry over it. I remember that my stomach is satisfied, and my lips are sipping from a warm cup of tea. I remember that I am in a house, full of things that I am free to use: a shower, a toilet, a sink, a dishwasher, a refrigerator, a bed, a mirror, a computer, shoes. I have access to everything I need. I remember that I don't need to stand out in that cold rain and become drenched by its chill as I beg for food or steal money from the pockets of passers-by, in hopes to get a little nourishment before night falls once again. I remember that my home is full of people who love me. I don't need to go searching for acceptance, because I'm secure. I remember that I have a God who has promised to fight for me, always. I remember that I am not alone.
Some days it's difficult to remember. Some days, it's hard to remember that I know who I am, and I know that I have a purpose.
And then days like today come around. Days where I wake up, look out the window at the rain, and can't help but burst into laughter. Who would have ever thought that water would be able to fall from the sky? It's intriguing, really. Today I remember why I have a reason to sing. I remember what God's presence feels like, and I know that if I seek Him, I will find Him. I know that He will never leave me alone.
Today reminds me why I can sing. Today reminds me that I am free. I was talking with a friend on Monday about fear. Confession: I used to be deathly afraid of the dark. I slept with a light on in my room, because if something was going to kill me (and I was positive that something was going to), I wanted to be able to see it first. Then at least I had a fighting chance. But while we were talking about fear, I realized that my fears have been set to rest. My fears have fled, because I have grasped onto something bigger, something stronger than fear. I have grasped onto JOY. I have held onto the promise that God gave me in Deuteronomy 33:26-28. I have grabbed onto His hand and trusted Him with my life, with my future, no matter what the cost.
I can sing today, I can sing forever, because He has taken me from fear, He has taken me from uncertainty and insecurity into a freedom that will last forever. FOREVER. His presence and life is something that I cannot be robbed of, and I don't have to run away from fear anymore. Now I can face it, now I can sing directly into it's wailing winds and remember that as long as I cling to my Father, as long as I cling to His promise, to His light... there will always be a reason to sing.
These are a ton of thoughts melded together... so bear with me. A lot of realization and such happens in the lines following!
I just had the overwhelming urge to laugh. For me, this is no surprise. I am constantly laughing, constantly finding even the simplest of things to be hilarious. But tonight, it's for a different reason... I had a realization. A re-realization, I suppose, since it's nothing new, just a thought that is deciding to revisit my brain again. I have been called a new name by God! He gave me a new name (a few, actually) when He took my shame and pain and chains away from me, and I am just now realizing how incredibly FREE that makes me! (Yeah, I've talked about this before. But hang tight. Freedom isn't something that gets old. If anything, it gets better.) He has called me JOY! I am free to laugh, free to burst into a new spasm of giggles whenever I want, because in Him I have gained the freedom to be joyful in every circumstance, the freedom to laugh like a fool, because I don't care if I am one. I absolutely love that I can be a fool for Him and still know that He loves me. He isn't embarrassed to be seen with me. I see in my mind's eye a picture of a woman standing in the rain, jumping in puddles and laughing, her face tilted upwards as the raindrops pour over her creamy skin, washing away her makeup and her masks and every single bit of self-consciousness and insecurity. She is wearing a purple jacket, the color of royalty. Jesus absolutely loves to dance in the rain with us. He absolutely loves the joy that seeps through my smile during those times that I sit with my friends and I just can't seem to contain my laughter, my grin breaks through and I can't help but giggle, while everyone shoots me glances that label me as crazy or weird. He has called me Precious! Even on those nights where I curl up in my bed and cry, full of pain from past hurts. He sets people in my path daily that affirm that name, and no matter what, I can't get rid of them. He shows me my worth through His nature and His book. I'm His baby girl. And He hold me close as such. He has called me Pure! My past doesn't matter! Whatever insecurities I had about myself and the things that I have experienced/done, those don't matter any more. They're gone. Left. Washed away by those tiny raindrops of grace that seem to constantly fall from His hands that are stretched out over me.
He has called me Wild! No matter what, my heart will not be tamed, and He adores that. He loves that I am His to hold and to carry wherever His wind will take me. I may be afraid to follow Him at times, but He knows that my spirit is strong and my passion for Him only stokes with time. He is the one who calls out the passion and strength in me, He alone is the reason for these things. His love for me is wild... as is mine for Him. These are a few names He has given me... and they are precious to me. I want for His love and His glory to be evident through these characters in me. I want His passion to be stoked in me. He is worthy. And He has given me hope.
"I have so much pain inside of me. I need you to heal me, because sometimes I can’t even feel the pain, but I know its there. I’ve become numb to it. And that almost scares me more than anything. I don’t want to be numb to it. I want to feel it, because then I know I can feel. Then I know that I have a hope of curing it. I have a hope of knowing it’ll be gone someday..." (Journal entry. May 25, 2011)
When I wrote these words almost a year ago, my heart was so confused and in such a place of hurt that I couldn't even begin to explain what I was feeling. I was not capable of the full range of human emotions--I had blocked them out in attempt to shut out the pain. And it didn't work.
As I sit here writing this right now, and reading back over this excerpt, I cannot believe that I am the same girl who wrote this tortured journal entry almost a year ago. Over the past six months my life has been completely changed. I went on a YWAM DTS in Belize, and my heart finally met my Maker.
Standing before God on the end of a dock in paradise, looking out over the blue water of the Caribbean, is one of the most terrifying, beautiful experiences I have had. His raw power was so reflected in the tides, in the way the wind moved the palms on the beach, in the swirling of the ocean, that all I could do was stand and stare. I remember staying up until 3am one night, confusion swirling inside of me as I sat on the beach under the stars and talked to God. My heart was in a place of frustration, and that night He met me in an intimate and beautiful way. My healing process has not been an easy one, but that night I felt His love and His acceptance so clearly that my breathing quickened, my hands shook.
God is so good. Cliche, I know, but it is so incredibly true. I give every moment of every day to Him, because I know that He is the only one who is able to handle all of me. He is the only one who is capable of taking all that I am, and molding me into something perfect, rather than my poorly shaped self.
The beauty of God's love for me--for you--is truly magnificent. I can't explain His healing power, except to say that all that I have been in the past, all that I was and all the pain I carried, it is no longer there. He has shaped me into something entirely different, and His love has captured me so completely that sometimes I think I can taste it.
Thank you Jesus for healing. Thank you for freedom. Thank you for LIFE.
Sometimes I am so blown away by God, by how incredibly passionate He is about me, by how intense His heart is for me, that all I can do is sit and breathe. Every breath, every time I am aware of Him, every time I take a step...it speaks of HIS beauty. It speaks of HIS glory. His heart absolutely thrives when I take the time to look Him in the eye and say, "Hey... I love you Dad."
Each breath of mine whispers a heartbeat of His. I long for my step to fall in with His path. My eyes to be full of His love. My hands to cradle the ones He loves, to hold them and to cherish them as if they were royalty. When I look at others, I don't want to see their faces. I want to see their hearts, their spirits as God created them to be.
I desire to be so in tune with Him and His presence that my confidence in Him doesn't stand on circumstance. It doesn't waver when people look me in the eye and tell me to prove His existence. It doesn't falter when my future is unclear.
I long to be so caught up in Him that there is hardly a distinction between where He begins and I end. No distinction at all, if possible. And the day when I get to run to His arms and have him swing me around, the day I get to sit in His presence and laugh with Him... that will be a sweet, sweet day.
