A Reason to Sing

"I have so much pain inside of me. I need you to heal me, because sometimes I can’t even feel the pain, but I know its there. I’ve become numb to it. And that almost scares me more than anything. I don’t want to be numb to it. I want to feel it, because then I know I can feel. Then I know that I have a hope of curing it. I have a hope of knowing it’ll be gone someday..." (Journal entry. May 25, 2011)


When I wrote these words almost a year ago, my heart was so confused and in such a place of hurt that I couldn't even begin to explain what I was feeling. I was not capable of the full range of human emotions--I had blocked them out in attempt to shut out the pain. And it didn't work.


As I sit here writing this right now, and reading back over this excerpt, I cannot believe that I am the same girl who wrote this tortured journal entry almost a year ago. Over the past six months my life has been completely changed. I went on a YWAM DTS in Belize, and my heart finally met my Maker.


Standing before God on the end of a dock in paradise, looking out over the blue water of the Caribbean, is one of the most terrifying, beautiful experiences I have had. His raw power was so reflected in the tides, in the way the wind moved the palms on the beach, in the swirling of the ocean, that all I could do was stand and stare. I remember staying up until 3am one night, confusion swirling inside of me as I sat on the beach under the stars and talked to God. My heart was in a place of frustration, and that night He met me in an intimate and beautiful way. My healing process has not been an easy one, but that night I felt His love and His acceptance so clearly that my breathing quickened, my hands shook. 


God is so good. Cliche, I know, but it is so incredibly true. I give every moment of every day to Him, because I know that He is the only one who is able to handle all of me. He is the only one who is capable of taking all that I am, and molding me into something perfect, rather than my poorly shaped self. 


The beauty of God's love for me--for you--is truly magnificent. I can't explain His healing power, except to say that all that I have been in the past, all that I was and all the pain I carried, it is no longer there. He has shaped me into something entirely different, and His love has captured me so completely that sometimes I think I can taste it.


Thank you Jesus for healing. Thank you for freedom. Thank you for LIFE.