And so the Fear Stops.

I have officially become undone.

Last night I was Skyping with a friend, and after our conversation had progressed a bit, she asked me how I was doing. Not the normal, "How are you?" but the deep, probing, "How ARE you? Really? What's going on in your heart?". 

When people ask me that question, I usually want to skip right by it, ignore the fact that I am hurting, that my relationship with people and with Jesus isn't where it should be. I don't want to lay myself out for them to see, I don't want to admit that I'm messing up a little--or a lot. But as I began to open up and let my dear friend know how I was doing--really-- I found that I had thoughts and realizations and feelings pent up that I didn't know about. Fancy that.

We began to discuss our relationships with Jesus at present, and as our hearts poured out to each other, I began to cry. My relationship with my Father in heaven hasn't been what it should be, I've been tossing up prayers and barely acknowledging Him as I go throughout my day, hoping He'll cater to my wishes. How jacked up is that? My perspective has been jaunted at a seriously dangerous angle. As my friend (Charis) and I continued our conversation, we encouraged each other and discussed the differences between mistakes and sin, and how we often write sin off as a mistake, rather than taking responsibility and admitting we have done wrong. Guess what? I do that all the time! I have been doing it with my relationship with God, and last night I had some serious convictions about it. 

Charis and I have a beautiful sister relationship, and as we expressed our desires for a deeper and more meaningful relationship with Christ, something amazing emerged. My heart has been wrapped up in apathy and self-centeredness, and I have been unwilling to acknowledge that. I have been unwilling to admit that I am "slipping back" or falling into the sins that I used to practice daily. But as we were talking, I stepped up to admit that I have been failing at actively pursuing God, which, ironically, is the only thing I truly desire. 

In Romans 7:14-20, Paul has it nailed. I want to glorify God with everything that I do, but instead, I do what I hate and go in the complete opposite direction. And then I try to justify it by blaming it on the atmosphere around or how busy I am. Goodness, this whole sin thing sucks. But the beauty of it all is that there is Grace. I had an amazing epiphany last night.

Charis and I were talking about grace, and she mentioned that in Greek, her name means 'Grace', and my middle name is Grace, and our friend Hannah's name means Grace of God. While we were discussing how cool it is that we all have similar names, my mind got hit by a freight train, and was blown away. 

Okay, so my middle name is Grace. I have always joked about it, because I am anything but graceful. I'm clumsy. I mess up a lot. I trip and fall over all the time. So my name is a joke, right? No. Not anymore.

I am not named Grace because it describes my abilities or the way I walk or talk or my character. I am named Grace because I was given grace by the only One who is worthy to give it. My flesh fails Him day in and day out, and no matter what I do in my own strength, I will always fail, because I am weak. BUT. 

HE GAVE ME GRACE. He gives me grace. He will continue to shower me with grace.

Ho-ly crap. I thought about this and my mouth seriously dropped open and I sat staring into space sputtering like a little kid who hasn't gotten his candy on Halloween. Really, my mind was blown. I don't need to describe the word Grace. I am not Grace. HE is Grace. And He loves me enough to give me His grace, every day. And just to remind me, just to assure me that He will never fail me, He tells my parents to name me after Him. Sometimes I want to knock on His door and be like, "Um, excuse me? You named me wrong. I'm not very full of Grace. I get impatient. I want to hurt people sometimes. It's not fitting for me... change it?" and I imagine Him smiling and taking me into His arms and saying something like, "Baby Girl... It's not your grace I wanted to give you. It's mine. So take it, it's free, it's yours, it is always there. Draw strength from Me, and you won't have to worry about failing, because I've got your back. Always. I've got you, darlin'." And again: HOLY crap. Mind blown. He wants to give me Grace--He has given me Grace-- and He wants me to draw my power from Him always.

So. My perspective has once again shifted, this time towards Him, and I wanted to share this with you because He completely reconstructed my way of thinking last night. I am stepping into this Grace with everything that I have, because it was made for me and it was tailored to fit me perfectly. I am honored to take this Name that He has given me and ride out on His power.

This is who I am now. This is what I was made for. I worship You, Jesus.