Climb.

I admit, I've been procrastinating. I've been locking myself away and reading, and watching movies, and not writing. I've been preoccupied with moving through the days until the next school starts, rationalizing that once those days hit, I'll be doing something worthwhile. Guess what?

Today is worthwhile.

Today is worth living.

And I forgot that.

I forgot that I am here for a purpose; and every single day that I don't chase after that purpose, I'm wasting time. My purpose here is to know Jesus and to proclaim Him and His love and His majesty and wonder over everything I come in contact with. So, today I decided to do things differently. I spent the entire morning with Jesus. Not making up for lost time, because I can't get that time back, but making a conscious effort to restore my relationship with Him. I've been on a bit of a roller coaster since being in Belize; during the last school I was actively pursuing God, wandering in His wake. It was amazing, until I let my guard down. And then I started to become apathetic about it, and I didn't wake up for Him in the morning. I woke up for me...I woke up so I could walk through another day. I let things like homesickness and doubt distract me from His ever-waving arms. I let Him become something that was comfortable and worn, something that I put on when I want to feel warm and cozy, much like my old sweatpants.

I was reading this morning, and the book I was reading was talking about the God of Ezekiel. Have you ever read the book of Ezekiel? It's all about a jealous God. A God who doesn't stand up and let people get away with wickedness. It is about a fierce, warrior God who loves His people so much, He won't watch them go to ruin. He will let them take the consequences for their actions, though.

Want to know what crossed my mind this morning? God's not a pair of old, worn out sweatpants. God is a God of love, terrible and passionate love that will stop at no bounds. He is a God of fire and water, a God of justice and of mercy. A gentle God. An intense God. A lover God. A wild, and powerful, and relentless God. A holy God.

And I completely lost sight of that. Needless to say, I was humbled by this revelation, and I sat with Him talking and reading more about His incredible nature, listening to Him as He poured His devotion over me.

It's been hard for me recently. I'm a part of a school that disciples young people to go into life and become leaders in faith, leaders in ministry, leaders in integrity. We are now moving into a time where we will have 4 schools per year, and I have the wonderful privilege of staffing here. That means that I am a girls small group leader--I mentor and counsel and pray over and live for my girls as they are here. Last school, there were 9 girls in my group, and I was absolutely in rapture with the love that God gave me for them. I got to sit with them and hear their stories; stories of pain, of humiliation, of self-hurt and of abuse. I got to counsel them, to walk with them through memories and feelings and their own tortured thoughts, speaking God's light and life into them as we went.

I had the chance to chase after them as they bolted to the end of the dock and fell onto their knees, sobbing in the sheer pain of their circumstances. I had the freedom to pull them into my arms and hold them, tears slipping down my own face as I prayed for words, and if none came, I sat with them in silence, letting them cry it out as I held them, as Jesus held both of us in His presence.

And when those young women sat before me at the end of the school and I spoke to them about how they had impacted me, about how I had seen the change in them as they grew closer to God, I was so proud, so privileged to see them grin, their eyes glowing as they walked away with their heads held high in trust of the Father, in trust of His plan for them, in a new mindset of self-esteem and love.

I played a piece in a wild, incredible transformation. My girls left this space with a new breath in their lungs. They are changed for the better, and not by my doing. I was just a tool in this, and it's not over. They will continue to grow and flourish as they go on in life. 

This is what I do here, this is why I am here. To serve this awe-inspiring, trustworthy, fierce, loyal, loving, passionate, wonderful, crazy God. And He is constantly calling out His plea for us to join Him... today, I will.  And tomorrow, I will. And the next day, I will choose this.

Because He is worthy of this.

Thrive

I honestly don't know how to start this. I would absolutely love to describe the past three months in a way that grasps everything that has happened, but even the aspiration of such a task seems insurmountable.

I could try to paint a picture of the countless lives that were transformed; lay out stories of individuals whose hearts were wrecked by God in a way that one could only understand if their heart had been through a similar process.

I could draw out pages and pages of details on the healings and freedoms and perspectives gained. I could speak of the demons shattered and the heart-wrenching memories broken; of the strongholds of the enemy that were infiltrated and captured for the King.

I could describe the moments where I sat and held students shaking, sobbing, crying out in pain or fear. I could explain the way that my heart wrenched with anguish on the nights that I wandered around the deserted base, praying and crying, letting my frustration at the enemy vent as I prayed against his very existence on our base.

I could recount many nights of laughter, sitting at the drink palapa with guitars and coke, playing cards and losing game after game after game to one of the students. I could sketch moments of pure ecstasy, where I'm sitting with my small group girls on the end of the dock, washing their feet and blessing them one-by-one as the rest of them swim around the dock or stand on the bench dancing and shouting with laughter.

I could try to describe so many moments...but I don't think I can capture them in a way that they are meant to be captured. I could use all the adjectives in the world and still not convey the right meaning for certain moments.

These three months have been full of 34 students whose lives have been insanely transformed; both audaciously and subtly. Watching them flourish and rise from ashes of past hurts, misgivings, destructive behaviors, and hostile mindsets has been such an extraordinary happening to be a part of.

The September 2012 Lecture Phase is coming to a close for these students, and as they take off to head to their different countries for outreach, I couldn't be more proud. I have been here to witness and encourage them through three months of their lives, and I am ecstatic to hear about their adventures on outreach. I can't describe my love for them, and the best part is; I get to do this all over again in January, with a new set of students.

I realized a few days ago that I am a part of something so incredibly large, so incredibly important; something  that makes a large impression on the lives of many people. And I have the immense privilege of watching men and women of God filter through this school and learn about His awesome, magnificent, marvelous love. I get to be a part of guiding them, of encouraging and listening to them, of praying with them through the night and rejoicing with them through the brilliant dawn.

I am a part of a movement that is so large and encompassing; so important and beautiful; and I am so humbled by that. The fact that I get to live in Belize and watch freedom and healing happen before my very eyes--to facilitate freedom and healing... this is incredible. This is a huge responsibility. It's excruciatingly intricate sometimes. It's extremely taxing. It's abundantly rewarding. And I love every moment of it.

I feel like I'm in my element; learning and teaching, growing and molding, being and doing, following and leading. It's an endless cycle of hope and tears, of joy and sadness. It's beautiful.

And it takes more than just me. I am so privileged to have such a vast prayer team at home; friends and family that are willing to keep me on their hearts in prayer. They are the reason I am here right now; the reason this is so effective. The reason I can be with my small group girls and speak life over them as they sit before me voicing doubts, or dance with them as they gain healing and hope. I LOVE THIS. And I LOVE the team behind me that is supporting me.

So I continue to be thankful, to realize that this endeavor is more than I could ever imagine. To become more vulnerable and more stable in our Jesus, in the Holy Spirit, in my Daddy. I am taking hold of the joy He has given me as a gift, and embracing these students as they head off this week into a new adventure, into a new lifestyle. I've found my place for this season; my sweet spot.

And so I will continue to soak in Jesus, to write, and share my thoughts, and be present, and thrive.

Take Flight. Breathe In. Crush Fear.

I'm really good at running.

I'm exceptional at sprinting, actually. Away from hurt. Away from potential heartache. Away from frustration and away from misfortune. I flee from pain and I search for bliss. Not joy, mind you, but bliss; the encasing, short-lived, euphoric state of mind where no hurt can find you... and generally, I'm apt to find an avenue into that place of rapture. But then that feeling of ecstasy evaporates, and I'm left to abscond again, growing farther and farther away from myself as I try to escape the bitter reality that life sometimes is.

This week, I wanted to run. At some points, everything inside of me was screaming at me to take flight--to turn to the beach, to let my legs pump and my breath flow and the adrenaline carry me to a place of bliss. My mind wanted to shut down, to stop caring about what was happening around me, to enter that place inside of me that is pure imagination, where I can construct and breathe life into something around me that seems safe. But in all reality, I can't do that. I can't leave.

That's something I've learned working here; I can't run. I can't just pick up and check out of what's happening at the moment. For one, what is happening here--however intense, however chaotic--it's happening under Jesus' name. He encompasses every move here, whether it brings glory to Him or not. He can't help it, His presence just automatically permeates everything. All that is going on isn't necessarily from Him, but He is always encasing every situation, and that which is evil and disgusting is shown for what it really is in a heartbeat. The deception game doesn't work too well here. But then, I'm getting ahead of myself.

This week has been draining. Every day has been a constant battle for truth and healing. It's been amazingly breathtaking. He has been amazingly breathtaking. He has propelled us as staff members forward through a web of deceit and hurt and given us ears and eyes to hear and see the truth as lies unfold before us. He has given us strength to wake up every morning, ready for a new day. And He has taught me that it's okay to face pain head-on. Granted, it's not my pain that I'm facing, but He has still given me a will to fight for His children, a passion to see freedom break through the hurt and the confusion that so easily entangles. This past week has been full of a pain and a confusion that I've never had to face before. I've never dealt with the circumstances that we're in at the moment. I've never walked through some of these things with people. In essence--I have no idea what I'm doing, or how I'm going to do this.

But then...that's the beauty of it, isn't it? Because when I end...that's where Jesus really begins to work. Where the Father floods His grace on me and those around. When the Spirit is allowed to completely flow through me and wreck my heart for Him, and make me thirst for more of Him in my depravity. And so I stop running. I slow down... I take a deep breath. The adrenaline drains and I begin to feel the exhaustion steal in. My heart rate slows and my eyes grow heavy, my limbs almost too weary to propel myself along...and suddenly, the hair on my arms stands up. 

I feel a burst of energy come from thin air, crashing into me and taking my breath away, even as it gives me the strength to keep gasping for the oxygen my body so eagerly craves. My muscles start to strengthen, seemingly of their own accord. I suddenly have the will to fight, the will to keep walking in the direction I was headed in the first place--away from bliss, into this messy, painful, hard, beautiful, crushing lifestyle called missions, where some days you don't get to rest, some nights you're pulled from your sleep and you can feel the enemy crushing down on you, you can see dark shadows in the room trying to oppress you, and all you can do is pray and pray in earnest faith, knowing that these dark beings have no power over you if you can just open your mouth to speak His name... where sometimes you're jerked from your dreams by a knock on the door, and suddenly you're throwing on clothing to rush into some unknown emotional or mental territory with one of the students.

But in those moments I realize that this is really what I love. I wouldn't change this. Even when I'm waking up to a knock on my door at 1am. Even when I'm sitting on the end of the dock crying in anguish for the hurting souls gathered on this base. I wouldn't change any of the pain, or the hurt, because along with it comes great growth, and great joy, and an even greater sense of His presence and Spirit. Because even though, yes, this is hard...I know that it is fully worth it. Every second of it. All the tears, all the laughter, all the silly moments I have with those around, all the sad hugs shared, all the smiles and wry looks given and sarcasm and dancing and singing and twirling together.

I suppose the appropriate thing to say is that I have previously been fantastic at running away. But Jesus is teaching me to saunter, to savor the moment--whether filled with sorrow or joy--and to take it one step at a time, letting all the hard moments be erased with every laugh, with every smile that shows itself.

And so I stop sprinting. I slow down...I take a deep breath. And I let His touch sear like a million wildfires inside of my soul.

I trust...Sometimes.

I trust.

I trust the chair I'm sitting in to hold me. 

I trust the floor I walk on to carry my weight.

I trust the water I drink and the food I consume to keep me alive.

But do I trust God?

I have a hard time trusting that He will take care of me. And so today, I'm taking a step of faith. I had a lengthy conversation with Him this morning about my lack of funds, and I kept hearing Him say, 

"Trust me." Not a suggestion. Not a casual, "Hey, Em, maybe you should trust me a little more. Think you can do that?" But a sincere, peace-filled, I-Know-What-I'm-Doing statement. 

"Trust me." And so I am. I'm trusting that He will provide the money I need to pay staff fees/visa renewal, and general living costs. I asked Him this morning if He would provide just enough, and heard Him replying to me;

"How much do you want?"

Well, God. I need enough for staff fees. It'd be nice to pay off a few months in advance so I don't need to worry about it... but I'll take what you give me.

"No, that wasn't my question, Em. How much do you want?"

Um. I need enough to pay for my visa renewal every month, so $150 would last me for 6 months. Plus staff fees to pay for a few months out. And staff fees are $200 a month... so, I don't know, maybe about $950 would be generous.

"Baby Girl, my Wild One, whom I've chosen, how much money do you want Me to provide?"

I wrestled with His question for quite awhile, and it finally hit me--He wants to provide more than I need. He wants to give me above and beyond that which I ask for. So I'm praying in $8000. I don't know where it will come from, or how it will come, or how long it will take to get, but I believe that He can provide. I believe He has the means to support me while I'm here. This was His idea in the first place, and I believe that as long as I am obedient, He will provide. I do need to take action as well and send support letters out, but that's in the process. I'm trusting Him.

Jesus, I want $8000. I realize that some may think that's greedy, or too much. But it's not. You know what I need it for, what I will use it for, who I will bless with bits a pieces of it. I trust You to provide. 

I trust.

Dead Men Don't Care How They Feel.

You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you've been fasting for a few days (or just haven't eaten for quite a while)? When your stomach is contracting and seems to be screaming for food, for something to fill the emptiness, something to sink into it and fill it up?

And when you get to that point--the point of gnawing, almost agonizing hunger--it's almost all you can do at points to keep going. You just want something to eat.

Then you see it. A donut, sitting on a plate, perfectly glazed and beautiful and sweet and oh so worth it! You take a few steps towards it. But wait... you're fasting. You can't have it yet. Your stomach is begging, "Please! I need it. Please... it's all I want." But your mind knows that there needs to be a shift in something before the fast can end. There needs to be an action or a result before you can end your period of hunger.

Have you ever thought about how Jesus feels when we're wandering from Him? His heart is full of a burning, endless passion for us. I imagine that when we stray, when we decide to turn our backs to Him, His pain in hunger for our presence is much like that of the example above. Everything in Him cries to just take us, but He knows that that's not how it can be. It doesn't work like that. There has to be a shift first; we have to choose to turn and acknowledge Him first. He won't force us down, He will simply wait and see what we choose. But then, it isn't so simple, is it? His heart still longs for us, He craves our presence with the very essence of His being.

I've been learning the process of complete abandon to Him. Staffing with YWAM as a DTS staff member, among having other responsibilities, has been one of the most challenging journeys I've embarked on. But every single moment of victory and triumph over then enemy trumps the frustration and chaos of the harder moments. There have been so many changes here in the past week; laced with miscommunication, tragedy, joy, freedom, and subtle yet powerful shifts in the spiritual and physical realms. 

Along with the rest of the staff, I've been walking through freedom and denial with the students; each one with an individual story, a different thought process, a unique passion. Being in a position where I am constantly pouring God's truth and heart into them is a delicate yet exhilarating place to be. When the Father gives me words to speak or actions to take, I am responsible to say or take those actions... That's a lot of responsibility. But then again, it all comes down to abandoning myself to Him. There's been so many opportunities to speak His love over the students, and there have honestly been times where I haven't wanted to be His mouthpiece. Honestly though--I'm not here for me. I'm not here to do what I want to do, in my time, on my terms. 

There's an amazing thing happening here--God's been having some incredible moments of freedom within these students, and I've been so privileged to be a part of this. I'm learning every day, in every moment, to abandon every single part of me to the Father. I'm not perfect; I don't always follow His instruction, I'm not the most refined in speech or conduct, but I am trying to be closer to Him. I'm learning, I'm asking questions, I'm wanting to be closer to His heart in every way. And I think that maybe I'm getting a tad closer. Maybe. 

I've been challenged by a quote I found while researching for a project this past week:

Are you prepared to let God take you into total oneness with Himself, paying no more attention to what you call the great things of life? Are you prepared to surrender totally and let go?  -OswaldChambers

I want this.

I want to be completely, totally, irrevocably His. My heart burns for His presence, and I want to crave Him in such a way as I described above in the donut illustration. I want to want Him as badly as He wants and calls for me. I pray for that. It'd be a crazy experience... but then again, His love is crazy for me, so why shouldn't my love for Him be equally as mad?

Join me as I pray for more of a passion for Him. I ask that you'd partner with me in prayer, and pray over the lives of these students, of the staff, as we continue to walk out this path that He's placed us on. Pray that we as staff are able to communicate His love in a way that outlines His enduring passion for the students. Because really, if He wants me that bad... He wants them even more. And I can't wait for them to realize that,

I want to walk as one who is dead; one who doesn't care what happens to them; one whose feelings don't steer everything they do, but they walk out what they're called to do. I want to have a heart for others like Jesus had. Not a cheap imitation or a counterfeit worthy only to pawn off onto others, but the real thing. Genuine. 

This is my heart: to be completely abandoned to Him, to let Him take me into total oneness with Himself.

I want to walk as the dead. Because dead men don't care how they feel. They care only of the will and heart of the Master.

Walking Over Fire

Three weeks have passed since this school started, and each day has been packed full of activity. 

Week three is coming to a close, and the students are blowing my mind.

This past week Lynn Toney has been teaching. Her week was all about gaining freedom through forgiveness, acknowledging your patterns of sin, and processing everything that's happened to you in your past to shape who you are today. Every day this week has been intense; Lynn has been cracking down on the students and pouring God's love and passion over them--challenging them every step of the way to face their pasts, acknowledge their present behavior and thought process, and to gain freedom for their future.

I am so proud of every single student here. They've been slowly moving forward, taking ownership of their character and deciding whether or not to live out their lives in integrity. We've been constantly praying and doing spiritual battle with them over their relationships with God and their roles here on earth. Some of these students are challenging--there are always a few--but it's been incredibly encouraging and beautiful to see every single person opening up a bit more to the prospect that they have a significant dent on this earth, and that God has so much more for them than living in the places that they're at; full of hurt, anger, apathy. 

It's a beautiful thing when you start to see 34 students have light-bulb moments, moments where they start to get that they're not as put together as they think, and that they want God so much more than the worlds influences. They're learning that their pasts dictate how they see God, that they need to get past that point where they think He brought everything upon them, but that He did in fact walk through every moment with them.

This week has been powerful, we've seen some students start to break apart the walls around their hearts and embrace the love and freedom that God is pouring into them. Some of them don't realize it's a process quite yet and it won't happen in one moment, but they'll get it.

This is a beautiful, heart-wrenching, incredible process to be a part of. It's such an honor to be a small group leader to nine girls whose hearts are in completely different places, who come from intensely different situations and families but still have beautiful characteristics or past happenings in common. Each one of "my girls", and every single other student on this base--male or female--is a profound statement of the love and passion that Jesus has for this earth. The fact that He's brought together 34 incredibly different personalities and somehow made them all click is a testimony of His greatness in itself. Each one of these beautiful children of the Most High are becoming more and more precious in my heart, and I can't wait to see where He will bring them. 

Jesus is good. His love is pouring over this school--over the staff and the students--in an alarming wave of healing and freedom. This is like walking over coals to some of us--to most of us. The students are heading into unknown territory; walking through their pasts and making a decision whether or not to live in freedom and let healing overtake them.

PRAYER REQUESTS

Please continue to pray that we would all be open to the Holy Spirit and His movement and direction. He's been leading us into battle against the enemy, and it's been a beautiful and difficult process. 

Please continue to pray for spiritual strength and unity for the staff members, that we would be completely open with each other and that God's grace, peace and courage would infiltrate every situation that we walk through with the students.

Please pray that the students would continue to embrace Jesus, to let Him hug them in return and take away their pain. They're unsure and frustrated, but it's been amazing so far. The enemy SO wants to take them down, and in a way it's working with some of them. 

But we as believers have a bigger power and the authority, so let's claim that! 

God has SO much healing and restoration in store for this school. He has been speaking integrity and character over them at every single turn, and I am praying that they begin to own that. 

Galatians 5:19-25

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;  idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

Thank you for your support--I appreciate every single one of you!

This Is Real.

I want to love through--and with--everything inside of me. I want my love to do. I want my love to serve.

These past two weeks have been eye-opening. I've spent every day learning and rediscovering just what this time is going to be about, for myself as well as the current students.

As DTS staff we sit in on lectures with the students, and this week has been powerful. John Gotz, the speaker this week, is from Punta Gorda, Belize, and speaks on Warrior-ship and the Warrior mentality that we are called to have. Every day here on Earth is a battle. Every day I need to actively fight against the lies that are barraging me on every side... this is something that I realized last year during my own DTS, but it just intensified. Now I am not only fighting for my own faith and my own relationship with Jesus, but also for the lives and mentalities and attitudes and relationships of 34 students. Spiritual warfare isn't just for me. It's for everyone around, every single person within my scope of influence. I have been called to action, called to fight for these students in whatever way needed.

Fighting takes character. Galatians 5 has been an incredibly empowering chapter for me, inspiring me to take on the attributes of the Father, to emulate Him and to imitate Him in every single movement. I have been called to take on His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control. I have been called to cast away all deception, selfishness, anger, frustration, jealousy.

It is for freedom that Christ has set me free, therefore I will cast aside all chains that have hindered me and will step into this freedom in purity, never looking back. I am called to live a life on integrity and of character.

A week before the students arrived, we had staff training week. During this week we learned about small groups, how to deal with different situations, and how to effectively release control to the Spirit every moment of the day. We were challenged to meditate on Galatians 5:22-23, to seek God about how to really, effectively live out His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control.

How do I reflect God and His character of integrity every moment, with everything in me? How can I get to that place where my littlest actions reflect Him, and not just my big decisions? I want to get to the point where every movement and every breath I take screams His name, His character. Is this obtainable? I believe so. It takes practice, it takes determination, it takes integrity to choose every single day to make a point to think like Him and act like Him. By pressing into Him, putting Him into the center of my life way more than I ever have before.

This is a journey. Working with students, living in community, choosing every day to live for the rest of the staff, to live for the students instead of myself, that's hard. But it's getting easier every single day. I am here to honor my Father, and I am so privileged to be in His presence and work with His children every day.

This is my heart right now, my cry. I need to thank all of you for making this a possibility. I can't explain how crucial my time is here, and how incredible the team here is. God has hand-picked each of us for this moment, and every day I'm reminded of His sovereignty and His power and love. So thank you, you are such an amazing support system, and I am so thankful to be here, so honored to be here and to be able to speak into the lives of these students.

I'll write again later this week, including more of what's going on here and how God has been moving in the physical as well as the spiritual around base. God is so good.

Belize. Laughter. Mosquitoes.

All I hear is laughter. It's like I've stepped into a realm of joy, and I've been told my presence brings the promise of more.

Being back in Belize is a breath of fresh air. Seeing those whom I'd previously met here as well as forming friendships with the new staff members who are coming in to DP this next season has been incredible! There are four new staff members; myself included. David, Dallas, and Zoe are all new this year, the boys did their DTS with DP this past January, while Zoe's was in 2008 while Destination Paradise still had their boats.

I've been here almost a full week, as I arrived last Tuesday morning. The past week has been spent settling into this new space and getting to know the rest of the staff here. Zoe and I spent a few mornings sanding and painting bunk beds that Rene, one of the other staff members, built for the students. It was hot, sweaty work and took us three days to finish six beds, but it was so fulfilling! It wasn't hard work, but we were productive and it was fun to bond and laugh with Zoe while we worked.

Today we started staff training week and I think the next few days will be amazing. It's beautiful hearing the hearts of these incredible people, coming together in the name of our Father, working towards one common goal. We're preparing for 34 students to arrive on base and praying that as they arrive, the presence of Jesus would be tangible to them on base.

Please join in prayer with us as we ask Jesus to prepare our hearts to be His hands and feet, as we prepare to give our all to these kids, pouring out His love and grace over them and walking with integrity and strong character as we lead.

I'm excited for the students to arrive. A little nervous if I'm honest, but mostly stoked to be a part of their lives and have the opportunity to speak truth and freedom and love over the lives of these young people. I know Jesus will blow them away with His presence and His intense, graceful, beautiful love. I know He will challenge me in ways I might not have been challenged before. I am so excited to see how He decides to lead this next school!

Being on staff definitely has a different quality to it than coming in as a student. I absolutely love bonding with the staff--laughing with them, watching movies, snorkeling, cooking, swimming, reading, discussing... Every bit of it. Like I said earlier; joy prevails here. Laughter doesn't seem to stop, and there are so many opportunities I claim joy in every situation, it's amazing. It blows me away that already God is opening me to things I hadn't realized before coming here, things He's been trying to teach me all summer that I'm finally realizing.

He is so good, the way He loves unconditionally and doesn't condemn. His patience with me is astounding!

Anyhow, these are just a ton of random thoughts and snippets of life since I've been here. I'll write more this week, I just wanted To put something out so you all know I'm doing well so far. T

Adventure is Out There!

One of the most exciting realizations I've had is that Jesus LOVES adventure! He LOVES taking me places I've never been. He LOVES sharing in the challenges that arise in the unknown waters, and He absolutely LOVES it when I invite Him to do more than just participate-- but to lead.

It's time for another adventure with my Daddy, and I can't explain how excited I am!

In about 13 hours I'll be boarding my first flight on my journey to Belize. Tomorrow evening, I'll be sitting in God's presence, listening to the water against the dock and looking into the blackness over the sea, inhaling the salty tropical air that my lungs so dearly love. I'll be laughing, talking, bonding with the rest of the staff members; some of which I know, others I'll be meeting for the first time. I'll be unpacking and getting ready for the next few months, settling down in my new home and learning to be comfortable there again.

JESUS IS GOOD. My heart has been drawn to Belize since I left, and only my Daddy knew I'd go back. He knew when I'd leave, and how perfect the timing would be, and how much money I would need, and how many people would donate or help with fundraisers or give me jobs. He knew that last night I'd be sad about leaving home and family, and He knew which songs I needed to hear to realize that only He can bring peace, only He can be my comfort. He is so good. I can't say it enough.

I am so excited to go on this adventure with Jesus. I am so excited for Him to break me, teach me, lead me, love on me. I am so excited to be in a place where I need to lean on Him every moment of every day, because my words are not enough, my actions fail, and my heart is selfish. But HE... He is perfect. He will speak, and His heart will shine through this frail human body and man... He will create some amazing, beautiful light in this world. I am so excited for Him to work; for Him to love, and love, and love, and love.

He is so good.

One-Way Ticket. Jesus is Gooooood.

I am three or four days from leaving this wonderful Island of Whidbey to head to another island that holds a precious warmth in my heart: the island of San Pedro, Belize. My heart constricts when I think of leaving my family behind indefinitely, of parting ways with my friends and those who I have grown up with. But the excitement and anticipation is even greater than the sadness.

I shared my testimony one week ago at my church, baring my heart to the community and inviting my audience to join me in worship with our Jesus after my story was told. My life has been one of pain and confusion, but Jesus has been faithful, and has never stopped loving on me. His breath has sweetened over me this past year; His presence has become more tangible, His voice more audible. 

One of my sisters was praying over me yesterday and as she was praying, one of the phrases she spoke to our Daddy caught me off guard, took my breath away.

"Daddy, thank You that our past is not just in the past, but that You are continuing to use it right now, and You will continue to use it in the future." That's not word-for-word, but that's the basic gist of what she said.

Jesus continues to use my past, my faults, my flaws, to bring Himself glory, and to heal this land. He's giving me the opportunity to take these experiences and to spread His love and His life in Belize. He's calling me to speak His good word over the hurting, the poor, the captive, the broken, the speechless, the weary, the angry, the rich and the powerful. He's taking me near to His heart and He is inviting me into His presence.

I have the wonderful opportunity to be on staff at YWAM Destination Paradise in Belize this next September. I'll be a small group leader to 9 girls. I will have the opportunity to speak Jesus' love into their lives, to listen to them, to be there for them, to love on them. I will have the privilege of teaching, of helping with team-building activities. But best of all, I will be doing what Jesus is calling me to do.

I'm headed to Belize in about three or four days. I'm buying a one-way ticket. I don't have the money for my plane ticket yet. But I believe. I believe He will provide, even if it's in the last moment. I've put a ticket on hold with American Airlines. It will only hold for 24 hours.

It costs $481.68.

Jesus has $481.68. I trust Him. I know that this is where I am supposed to be, and I know that He will provide, whether through people, or through a miracle. HE IS FAITHFUL.

Jesus, I surrender my financial state to You. I surrender every fear to You. I trust You. I trust You.

"I will depend on You. All of my hope is in You. I will depend on You.

I will have faith in You. All of my hope is in You. I will depend on You."

-United Pursuit Band

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I would love for you to join me in missions and in carrying out Jesus love! If you would like to partner with me in prayer, or financially, or just want to stay updated on what's going on in my life/walk with Jesus, please e-mail me for more information!

friedchicken177@gmail.com

Walking Forward.

My deepest fear is that I'll forget.

That I'll forget what's happened to me in the past year. That the memories will fade, and that I won't be able to recall the moments of bliss, of pain, of healing and of realization that I've experienced. I'm afraid that the relationships I've made will change, that they will fall away and become little more than dust. I'm afraid that I'll forget what my Jesus did for me, that I'll forget what it was like to live without Him, and that I'll slowly fall into a pattern of apathy regarding my relationship with Him.

And I've been letting this fear drive me. I've been re-living and writing down and going over and looking through the memories, whether in pictures or in my brain and heart, and I've been documenting them as best as I can. But, through this, I've lost sight of the road I'm on.

I was talking with a friend the other night, and in our conversation he mentioned that I seemed like the kind of person who looks to the past more than the future. I answered by saying, essentially, that I have a mix of both... but now that I've thought about it, I think he's right. I've spent too much time looking back while walking forward, and today I stumbled.

I can't explain what happened exactly, but I realized that I've been ignoring what Jesus has been trying to teach me and where He's been leading me recently. And I don't like that.

Not one bit.

I think it's time for me to stop running in circles and focus on what He has for me, and while I can keep a healthy perspective of the past and a healthy outlook on the future, I need to be here, now, with Him, doing what He's calling me to do.

So that's my plan--not to plan, to let Him direct, to let Him do what He does best, and lead me.

And as for forgetting, I think He created the brain for a reason. I have the mental capacity to remember, so... I don't need to worry about it.

Worship Night/Fundraiser

September 2012 marks an incredible point in life for me as one of my passions will be fulfilled. I am traveling to Belize, Central America to staff at a YWAM (Youth With a Mission) school on an island called San Pedro. While staffing, I have the opportunity to mentor college-age students, lead small groups, teach, help lead team-building activities, and usher the Spirit of God into the lives of the broken, hurting, joyful and lovely children of our Father!

My goal is to share a taste of the passion and love that I have for the children of the Most High, and to help you gather a glimpse of how I will be able to impact and strengthen their lives in Christ, as well as growing in mine.

Please come support me in prayer, spirit, and funding as I share about my journeys to Belize and South Africa last year, as well as speak about where I will be going and exactly what I will be doing this year when I head back down to Central America. I would absolutely love to meet with you and share with you, as well as answer questions that you may have for me!

Join me as I share my life story with you, and speak about how incredible God's freedom and joy have been in my life! My heart is ready to open up, and I am so excited to bare myself and share my testimony with you in an intimate setting. My desire is for you to experience the passion that I have for Jesus and for His direction in my life.

Later in the evening, there will be a worship session, to which you are all invited! Feel free to come or go as you please during this time, but I encourage you to stay and enter into the presence of our Jesus as we devote this time back to Him and His glory!

Thank you so much for all of your support! I look forward to seeing you soon and being able to open up and share the deepest parts of my heart with you.

Date/time: August 10, 2012 at 7pm

Location:  Christian Life Center Church, 1832 Scott Rd. Freeland, WA 98249

If you have any questions, please call or text me at: 360-320-3112    
Or e-mail me at: friedchicken177@gmail.com

Spread the word. :)

I may be Weak... but You're Yahweh.

Today is hard. 

Today I skipped church and had my own personal worship time at home, because it's quiet here and I needed to cry. 

Today, I'm having a really hard time trusting God. I'm having a hard time trusting that He will come through, that He will provide. I'm having a hard time trusting Him with my funds for this September. I'm having a hard time letting Him take my fear.

Today, I give up.

I give up that fear that's lurking in my mind, the one that keeps whispering that I won't make it to Belize in a few weeks. I give up that fear that says that my money isn't going to come in. I give up that fear that I'm not worth donating money or prayer or time to. 

This is God's plan, not mine. It wasn't my plan to leave for Belize again this September. I wanted to go to North Carolina, or back to Africa. It wasn't my plan to be here in Washington for the summer. It definitely wasn't my plan to be in missions. But it was God's plan. And really, that's enough for me. 

That's enough. God, You are enough. And so I give up these fears, I give up these irrational thoughts that You won't come through, that You don't know what You're doing, and I choose to trust. I choose to give it up, give me up, to You. Simply because You are Yahweh. And I am not. 

So here. Take me.

"God, I look to You. I won't be overwhelmed. Give me vision to see things like You do. God, I look to You. You're where my help comes from. Give me wisdom, You know just what to do. So I will love you..."

-God I Look To You, Bethel Church

"You, God, are my God,

    earnestly I seek you;

I thirst for you, 

    my whole being longs for you,

in a dry and parched land

    where there is no water.

 I have seen you in the sanctuary 

    and beheld your power and your glory. 

 Because your love is better than life, 

    my lips will glorify you.

 I will praise you as long as I live, 

    and in your name I will lift up my hands. 

 I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; 

    with singing lips my mouth will praise you."

-Psalm 63:1-5 (NIV)

Finances, Prayer, Support. Going to the Zoo!

Hi friends!

As some of you may know, I'm headed back to Belize this next fall to staff at the Youth With a Mission (YWAM) school I attended last year. I will be staying at the YWAM Destination Paradise base in San Pedro, Ambergris Caye, Belize.

In writing this post, I am stepping out in boldness and asking that you would consider partnering with me in prayer. I have a few things I am praying for in specific, and I would absolutely love if you would join me in coming before our God and petitioning Him!


First, I would like to share a bit about what I will be doing as a staff member at the Destination Paradise base:

• The DP (Destination Paradise) YWAM base holds 3-4 Discipleship Training Schools throughout the year, so I will be working full time as school staff. 
• This means I have the opportunity to mentor students, lead academics, host leadership and team building exercises, direct small groups, and more.

There are a number of things that I need prayer for. Please check out the list below!

-First, there are finances that need to be taken care of. I need to budget about $700 a month while I am in Belize. I would greatly appreciate it if you would pray with me for the following financial situations!

• Plane Ticket: Right now, tickets are at about $660 for a round trip ticket to Belize from Seattle if I leave around the 19-20th to arrive in San Pedro on the 20-21st. (NOT included in the $700/month)
• $200 each month will go towards room and board. If I budget $700 dollars a month, that leaves $500 left to go towards the following things: 
• Water taxi (the Island’s main transportation, costing $7 Belize each time, about $3.50 USD) which is ridden a few times a week 
• Visa renewal costs $25 USD each month 
• Small group supplies/events including crafts, water taxi, etc. 
• Outreach; there’s always the possibility of leading an outreach with the students, for which I will need to save. 
• Additional living costs; including toiletries, bug spray, water bottles (the water is not drinkable), food, etc. 

-Health Insurance; About $350 is needed to pay health insurance from September 2012-February 2013. Please pray that that money would come in as I work and receive support.

-A laptop; I am currently petitioning God about acquiring a laptop for my travels, or for the funds to buy one. A laptop would be of incredible use to me while staffing in Belize, as I would use it for communication with my supporters; to keep up blog posts and answer/send e-mails back and forth to keep my home community involved in every aspect of my journey and growth in the Lord.

-I would also use it to take notes during the weekly lectures in the school, and to perform other projects I am assigned as a staffer. 

-Spiritual readiness: As I have the opportunity to mentor and help direct the lives of college age youth, I will be entering into a spiritual battle that is intense and challenging. Please pray that God would continue to prepare my heart and spirit for what I will encounter while in Belize. Please pray that I would look to Him continually and guard my heart. My desire is to reflect Him while staffing and directing these students closer to Him and His love and His heart and path for them.

-Students: Please pray spiritual protection over the students as they prepare to attend this upcoming school, and as they ready themselves to head off onto what could possibly be the most life-changing event of their history. Pray for protection from the lies of the enemy as he tries to take them out in any way he can; insecurity, fears, anger, frustration, and as he pinpoints their weaknesses and preys on them. Come against the enemy in the name of Jesus with me, as we fight for these students!

THANK YOU! I appreciate your prayer support so incredibly much, and I am so thankful for you and your heart. If you would like more information about the school and about my part in it, please e-mail me at friedchicken177@gmail.com. I would love to share more with you!

Thank you so much, again, for partnering with me. Let's wreck this world for our Jesus!

Abandon Me

Dear Father,

Worship. Pure, unadulterated, passion-filled worship.

Jesus, I desire You. This weekend I was able to worship You in a way I rarely am able to worship. You gave me the privilege of coming together with three other talented musicians, under YOUR name, in YOUR presence. Father, thank You. Both Friday and Saturday nights we were able to worship You in song, in prayer. Jesus... I have no words. I can't describe my heart for You right now, because this weekend, you shattered it for You. I don't want me.


I don't want the way I do worship. I don't want the way I interact with others. I don't want my plans. 

You revealed to me this weekend Your plans for me. You revealed to me a piece of Your heart, and Father... that's what I want. 

I thirst for you. No, I yearn for you. And even more than that; I crave you. I ache for You, for Your voice, for Your breath on me. I covet Your presence and Your Spirit. I want you really, really bad Jesus. 

And so I abandon me. 

I lay down my fear of failure. I lay down my pride. I lay down my vanity. I lay down my hurt. I lay down my anger. God, I give to You my desire for a future relationship, for a marriage, for children. I give those to You, Father. Because right now, all I need is You. 

I give up my rights, Father. I give up every piece of my heart. I give my family to You. I give my friends to You. I give my church to You. I give my music; my voice and my guitar to You. I give you my desires. Every piece of my life, Father, reign over. Please be my Lord. I give you the throne.

I abandon me. I choose to pursue You.

I love you, Father. I love you. I love you.

Your Daughter,

Pure, Untainted, Joyous, WILD,

Emily Grace

My Salvation Lies in Your Love

I get scared.

Especially when I realize that my talents and character and all the things that I pride myself on are nothing more than dust. 

My talents fail me. My character fails me. My thoughts--my very flesh--it will always, always fail me. I can not rely on myself. 

I can rely on my God. I can rely on the fact that day after day, no matter where I am, what I'm doing, He will be there, right next to me. He will always be the one taking my hand and helping me up, leading me over mountains and through the deep recesses of the earth. 

And even better, when I am feeling weak and terrified and am worrying that what I am about to do will fail me, He gives me His voice. He gives me His strength. He gives me His hands, and His feet, and His heart. 

And when I feel like I'm being attacked, like life is getting too hard, he steps in carries me. He rides the heavens to help me. And He promises to do it again, and again, and again...

Because He loves me.

Jesus, YOU are worthy. Take my life and let it be used for Your glory. Take all of me, everything, my faults and my failures and my joys and my strengths. And Jesus... run with it. Shape me. Create, and re-create, and  chisel away, and bring forth your sweet fragrance in my heart, in my life. 

Because I love you. 

And I desire more.

Oh What a Day is Today!

You ever have those moments where you're sitting somewhere (this time I happened to be in a crowd of people, in the middle of church) and you get a thought that just completely blows your mind? I was walking to my chair during church after grabbing a cup of coffee and filling my water bottle, had almost made it, and one of those thoughts hit me.

Before I go further, you have to realize that I'm not the most graceful person on the face of the planet. One of my friends tells me that I have "helmet and crayons" moments. I always seem to wind up in awkward or messy situations. (Like getting mashed potatoes in my hair and steak in my eye (what?!) during a date in high school... who does that?) Also, we have a pretty small church, ranging from about 100-175 people, in a room smaller than a gym, where you can hear everything that's going on.

Anyways, earlier today I'm almost to my seat, cup of coffee (no lid... bad choice) in hand, and am about to slip into my row of chairs when one of those mind-blowing thoughts hits me. It's so mind-blowing that I decide to drop my water bottle. In the middle of church. While the pastor is talking.

As I drop my water bottle, the hand holding the cup of coffee jerks a bit, and hot coffee splashes over the rim and drenches my fingers. I stable it with the other hand, effectively drenching that one in coffee as well (I'm still standing in the middle of the aisle, and people are staring. And I'm getting coffee everywhere, including all over my forehead as I wipe my hair out of my eyes) and I can't figure out how to get my water bottle off of the ground without flashing everyone because I'm wearing a short-ish dress, so I just sit down in the nearest chair, giggling hysterically as my friends around me are all trying to contain their laughter and my pastor is trying not to be distracted.

Thankfully an older gentleman across the aisle retrieved my water bottle for me, and I was able to find something to wipe my hands (and forehead) off with. 

Point of story: Life is messy.

I can't share the realization I had at the moment, because I can't put it into words, but you'll probably get that later this week. For now though, it's been amazing to realize just how human I am today. I have not had one non-awkward day this entire week, though I think today was by far the most hilarious. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm looking through lenses that are slightly out of focus and a little off, and maybe the frames are bent and they don't fit right over my eyes. I feel like life is a little like that--disjointed and battered, and if you focus on one thing for too long it just starts to hurt and make you dizzy. 

Basically, I just want to tell you not to worry about it. Life is messy. I know I am messy! (Ask any of my old roommates...) And if you focus too hard, or try to do everything at once, you might end up like I did today; in the middle of a crowd, at a loss for what to do, too overwhelmed to do anything but laugh (or cry), and completely embarrassed. So don't worry about it. Go with it, give it to God, and let Him be the one who directs you. Learn to laugh at yourself and your mistakes, and take them in stride. Easier said than done, yes, but it's worth it. 

Don't worry about it. :)

There You go Making my Heart Beat Again

My day has been consumed with Skype dates, writing music and doing dishes. I look out the window into the overcast fields and see rain throwing itself from the sky and exploding into a million pieces onto the ground, gracing the face of the earth with its watery freckles. My brother and I are singing country music and exchanging playful banter while we hang out and laugh together.

Basically, it's a typical day. Except for one thing. 

All day, God has been speaking His exquisite, colorful love over me. I have slipped into His presence and have been standing in it all day. He whispers little things to my spirit and my flesh breaks out in chills, my mind coursing and climbing and plummeting to new depths and heights, exploring the things He's revealing to me. His voice has been present all day.

Recently I've been having a number of revelations, which you can tell by reading my past posts. A few weeks ago I felt like I was underwater spiritually; gasping for Him to breathe His air into me while swimming away from the surface, sabotaging myself of the one thing I desired the most. 

Today I broke surface. I've been striving for it for a week and a half and finally, I made it.

My heart has begun to beat again.

He fills my lungs with His sweet breath and I inhale... savoring the scent of His presence. And this is just the beginning. If I keep looking toward Him, I will soon recover from my bout beneath the choppy waters, and I will learn to climb into a boat with Him. I will learn to sail with Him and to explore new territory, all the while looking to the sky, looking up, breathing in, exhaling the poison from my system and taking in the wind and the oxygen He's provided for me. 

He's showing me what it's like to be a burst of vibrant color amidst the thunderstorms that are thrown in my face. And the most exciting part? In Him, I can be unstoppable. And I can provide color. 

So really all I need to do is breathe, and climb in this boat, and unfurl the sails, and let Him be my heartbeat.

This is What it Looks Like to be Real Sometimes.

I'm so incredibly small.

Sometimes, I get frustrated because I can't eat what I want to eat. Sometimes I get frustrated that I live in a state that has rain 90% of the year. (Made that statistic up... but it's probably true.) Sometimes I get frustrated because I don't like my clothing. Today was one of those days.

I found myself in my room, standing helplessly in the middle of a pile of clothing, upset because I didn't want to wear any of it. I felt like my clothing was outdated, out of style, old. I felt like it didn't fit just how I wanted it to, or it didn't look as good as last time I wore it. 

And then I realized what I was doing. Honestly, how utterly sick is it that I stand in the middle of a warm, carpeted room with three windows, a bed, closets, mirrors, shoes, a couch, on the top floor of a rambling farm house, and I am upset about my clothing choice? I know people--I know children--whose clothing is ripped, and baggy, and fading, and literally falling off of their back. I know people whose only house is a couple of random pieces of wood set up together and placed against a concrete wall. I know people who have no place to sleep at night, except for the cold, hard ground under the trash on the side of the street. Yet here I am, standing in my room whining because I don't want to wear my striped shirt today, and I can't find clean socks. 

It saddens me to remember that before I fell in love with God I was a selfish and haughty, proud human being. What saddens me even more than that though, is that I have found myself slowly slipping back into that same cycle. 

The fact that "fitting in" or being "in style" concerns me even a little is almost a warning flag to me. It's not a bad thing to be stylish, or to be able to relate to people. However, I find myself questioning my motives when that is consuming me, and I know that I have gone too far when I step back and see that I am in a situation like the one I found myself in today... standing in the middle of a heap of blessings, and complaining because I don't have more, or better, or bigger, or prettier. 

How did I become this? The realization of where I had let my attitude drift to started a whole new round of frustration, and with it determination. So today, I wage war. I don't know how to be any different than the selfish woman that I am on my own, and so I make a choice. I will cling to my Jesus harder and fiercer than before, because without Him, this life of mine is worthless. I don't want to be proud, or haughty, or selfish, or flaunt myself in any way, and so I cast those cares aside and I claim freedom from those. I want to live a life of servanthood.

I remember the sweetness of His presence and the sound of His voice in my spirit, the rush of His wind against my skin and the colors He painted around me. I remember visions He has given me and His promise of more to come. I remember Him being so much that I literally cannot describe Him. I am so thirsty to return to that place where I could sit in His presence and feel His peace and His heartbeat and stay there for hours without becoming restless. So once again, I sit before Him, a pitiful human, and I offer myself up.

I mentioned in my last post that I am ready for whatever He has for me, and I truly am. I am a broken, tired little girl, but honestly... that doesn't even matter. Because where I end, He begins. Where my spirit is full of frustration, His is full of grace. When I don't know what to sing, He places a melody in my heart. And that, my friends... that is extraordinary.

And then I Became Undone

There's something about a bonfire that draws me in. The flame is so mesmerizing, dancing and twirling around the wood, creating and re-creating an endless recital of passion.

Last night I was gathered around a bonfire with five of my closest friends, and as we sat and talked and laughed together, something in the atmosphere was unleashed. A passion that had been kindled in each of our hearts was slowly loosed as we began to venture deeper into topics close to our hearts.

I have been struggling in the weeks past. I have been hearing from God and blatantly ignoring His call and His direction. He has been pouring into me a desire and a passion that I have been pushing aside and refusing to take a closer look at. Last night I expressed my distress and frustration over this, and a friend asked me, "Emily. What are you afraid of?"

Though I knew the answer, this question knocked me off of my feet. How blind I have been! I have seen what God asks of me, I have seen visions and heard songs that speak of what will come, should I choose to follow His calling. I have had dreams full of His heart for others and His desire to heal and provide for the hurting, for the desperate, for the lost and the angry. I know what I am supposed to do. And until now, I haven't wanted to acknowledge it. Last night, however... something broke. My heart has been harboring fear of the unknown, and as my friend provoked me to think about this, something in my spirit came undone.

I am afraid of people. I am afraid that when I step out into what my Father is calling me to do, I will look like a fool. I'm afraid that I will be looked down upon, and I will be despised, rejected, and cast away from people. I know that what I am called to do is big, and I know that I will lose face. I have been afraid of stepping away from my pride for fear I will lose it, and I have been afraid that my reputation will be shot once I move into this boldness that is drawing me nearer.

Today, I am here to say that I am willing. I am willing to look the part of a fool. I am willing to be cast aside. I am willing to lose my reputation, to lose my friendships, to lose my family and my church and my house and every single comfort that I have. I am willing, because I know that no matter what, no matter how far I go, no matter where I am called, the Protector and the Redeemer is standing right next to me. Ultimately, that is what matters. I am willing to lose my life of comfort and of standards and of expectations to pick up the life of a servant, a life of servitude and blessing others, a life of joy and of pain and of laughter and tears, of stepping into the places no one else is willing to go, of going there with people and being one hundred percent vulnerable and open. I am willing to lose it all, because through losing this life, I am gaining a much better one.

So this is me, expressing my fears and my faults and my failures and thanking God that HE is sovereign and that HE is my identity and my drivng force. Without Him, I will come undone. Within Him, I am unstoppable. I claim His power and His freedom and His strength, boldness, and courage, and I say that this life I am living, it's His.

Here I am, I stand with arms wide open, to the One, the Son, the everlasting God.

I Had a Dream Once

Imagine a river, its silvery water writhing and collapsing around itself. It cascades along, careless. You can hear the power in that water. You can see the intensity, feel the noise of the waves bouncing off rapids. Stemming from the mountains, the water is frigid, breathtaking. It's purifying, refreshing, cleansing water. Even when you're standing hundreds of feet away, you can still hear the music of the water, screaming its melodies over rocks and branches and banks, rushing and falling and lapping against itself and the earth.

Somehow though, as you go about whatever you have on your agenda during the day, the fact that a river exists a short distance away slips your mind. Oh, the remembrance of it still exists in the back of your mind, you haven't actually forgotten, but it's no longer a conscious thought. You no longer revel in the throaty, beautiful sound it produces. The incredible sense of peace and passion it had previously evoked in your spirit has dimmed...

Sometimes you remember the river and your heart beats a little faster in anticipation of hearing it once again, seeing its power and hearing the glorious noise it creates.

Sometimes your concentration breaks a bit and the noise rushes over you again and you breathe a sigh, because it's a wonderful sound.

Sometimes you don't even notice that you're not noticing anymore.

Sometimes you forget altogether, and wander away, and never return.

Oh, that we would remember.

Can you imagine? Can you imagine living every day being able to hear the glorious, melodious sound echoing slightly in your spirit? And when you really want to experience it in its fullness, all you need to do is wander to the edges and take it in. Immerse yourself in it, even, if you need refreshment. It may seem painful or cold at first, but afterwards you won't regret it, because you feel renewed, awake and alive and alert. It's wonderful.

Imagine if Jesus was this river. Just think about it. And then, when you've thought about that for a bit, 

re-read this post. 

My desire is to live with the crash and murmur of His presence, of His voice, living in my spirit every moment of my life. I desire Him. 

What would it be like to feel Him every second of the day, whether awake or asleep? Can you imagine the beauty, the refreshing, gorgeous, incredible, awe-inspiring, breathtaking wonder that would be?

Can you imagine?

Oregon. Laughter. Waterfall.

I'm sitting at my computer in sweats and a t-shirt, drinking steaming homemade Chai tea, face scrubbed clean of makeup. It's raining outside. I'm exhausted. I'm listening to chill music. I went camping this past weekend, so being clean, in clean sweats and having clean hair feels incredible.

This past weekend was a challenge for me. I was invited by a friend to go camping near Roseburg, Oregon, with her former college group from Suburban Christian Church. I headed to Oregon on Monday the 21st, and spent a few days with my friend before we drove down to Corvallis to meet up at Suburban on Friday with the group of campers who were heading in earlier than others. 

First of all: I love camping. And I absolutely love meeting new people. But this weekend, God had a lesson for me.

When we arrived at our campsite and had finished setting up, and the rest of the campers arrived, we ate dinner and played a few games that helped us familiarize ourselves with each other. Normally, I'm pretty good at meeting people and starting up conversations, but for some reason this weekend, I was scared. Terrified of messing up and of letting people down. I hadn't realized I had slipped back into the fear of man until Saturday afternoon. I was invited multiple times to go hiking with a few different groups of people during free time Saturday, but I declined. I suppose that I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to keep up (I have exercise-induced asthma... LAME excuse not to go hiking!) or that I'd not know how to strike up conversation. Essentially, I was being a complete bore and absolutely ridiculous. 

Instead of hiking, I went down to the river and sat against one of the concrete pillars holding up one side of the bridge. I brought my Bible and notebook down with me and set them both down under a plant growing on the side of the concrete and rocks I was sitting on. I took a sip of my tea from my mug... and just listened.

Have you ever sat beside a river and just let the noise of the water wash over you? It's healing. It's cleansing. It's exhilarating. As I was sitting, a thought popped into my head.

"Em... what are you afraid of?" 

Confused, I answered. "Sickness. Pain...being caged...?" I wasn't entirely sure where this was going.

"No." The thought echoed, persistent, "What are you afraid of? Why are you afraid to speak to people? Why are you afraid to interact?" 

I was blown away. Here I was, sitting alone by a river, feeling sorry for myself, when I had clearly been asked and sought after by multiple people. I had been given opportunity to engage in numerous activities and tasks, and had backed out on each one. Seriously, how silly can I be? 

I spent some time in prayer and talking to God about my fears of people, and He so graciously reminded me that His strength is sufficient, and that my joy can be found in Him, not in the approval or thoughts of man. GOODNESS how freeing that can be! 

I'd love to say that I didn't give it another thought that weekend, but that would be lying. However, I did make an effort to be interactive with the rest of the group, and as I let myself out of my shell more, I received an incredible amount of acceptance, understanding, and love from those around me. I was talking with a friend about this, and she brought up an interesting question:

How often do we miss the love and grace that's offered or poured out to us, just because we are so intent on ourselves and our "protection"? I tend to completely, if unintentionally, ignore what's being set right in front of me out of concern for myself. I had realized this half a year ago, but I didn't realize how incredibly easy it was to slip back into this. Once I opened up, though... dang. God used my time so well. I was privileged to be able to share my complete story with two of my new friends, and stay up late talking with a friend about life, passions, dreams, and all the in-between things. 

Moral of this post: Trust. Don't let the little things get in the way. Deep down, there will always be a bit of insecurity. It's sad, but true, and being human and sinners, I don't think that it will ever go away. Thankfully, we serve a God, a Daddy, who is bigger, and stronger, and so much more on fire with passion for us that we can ever imagine. He will always carry us through, and when it's too much for us, that's where He begins to work most powerfully, because that is where we need to surrender. It was hard to learn surrender this weekend, but it ended up being a beautiful exchange, and in turn I was able to experience incredible grace and joy.

So, sitting here, in my sweats and finishing up my Chai... I'm entirely thankful to claim the love of my Daddy who fought for me, and will continue to fight for me. Thanks Jesus, for Your gentle and passionate ways of reminding me of my fragility and Your unending strength.

Rain. Pour. Flood.

Raindrops. They basically define the Northwest United States. We joke about "liquid sunshine" and about how you know you're from the Northwest when you don't own an umbrella, but own about 4 NorthFace raincoats. We play in the rain, we walk in the rain, we sing in the rain, we drink coffee in the rain. It's a way of life here. We don't let it hinder us. Yes, we would rather have sunshine, but the rain is such a constant companion that we are accustomed to dancing in it as skillfully as we dance under the sunshine.

Raindrops. I've been reading Psalm 104 over and over for the past few weeks, and GOODNESS. I've never heard so much about life-giving water. The psalmist speaks of God's intense and beautiful glory, His passion for His creation, His life-breathing, drenching, soaking, purifying rain that invokes in the plants and the beasts of the land the desire to thrive. The waters flee at the sound of His name, yet they flow and rush over the inhabitants of the land when the appointed time has come. After the flood that Noah and his family survived, God gave us a promise that He wouldn't flood the earth with water again.

I went on a hike yesterday with my friend, and when we reached the top of this huge hill (Angel's Rest, Oregon), you could see for miles around. We could see out over the Colombia river into Washington State, and we could see the clouds unleashing their water over the land a few miles away, heading towards us. We read Psalm 104 just as it began to rain, and the power of those words combined with the physical rain that the heavens were unleashing brought bouts of giggles from both of us. I've been sensing the re-occurring theme of rain. Songs keep coming up on Pandora about rain, I watched a movie last night where moments of beauty happened in the rain, and I woke up to rain this morning.    

JESUS. I desire rain.

What if the rain that we speak about doesn't just come in physical form? What if the rain that Psalm 104 expounds on isn't just the rain that falls from the clouds above, but is also the rain of Jesus' presence and love, falling from the heavens in a tangible and incredible, soaking way? What if when we woke up in the morning and looked out the window and saw sunshine, we thanked God for His life-giving rain that was to fall that day? WHAT IF WE PRAYED FOR RAIN?

JESUS. I want rain. I want YOU. I want YOUR rain on my face, Your floodwaters drowning me, Your raindrops splattering all over me and drenching me in YOUR presence and in YOUR power. I want You to flood us not with the physical water, Lord, but with Your rushing waters of passion and love and the desire to thrive in YOUR name! I want to feel Your rain splashing on my feet, rushing in streams and rivers and lakes and oceans over this world, over these dry and dusty, desolate lands and hearts. I want to sing of Your rain, I want to dance in Your rain, I want to climb the mountains around and look over the valleys and the towns and see Your rain.

Rain down on us, Lord. Rain down. Open the floodgates of heaven. Let all these songs that shout of Your rain begin to shout even louder as my desire, as the desire of passionate hearts around the world cry out and yearn for Your rain. Let Your rain come, Father. We will cry out, we will never relent, we will speak of Your rain and of Your glorious life water until You come to bring us into Your kingdom. Flood us, Father. Drench us. Consume us. 

Bring on the rain.

GOLLY! This is real life.

Let me just open this little post with a fabulous verse from one of my favorite books in the Bible:

"Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the Lord with all his might," -2 Samuel 6:14 (I encourage you to read the entire passage, though, because it both speaks of God's holy power, and it's hilarious. Just a side note.) I've had a ton of realizations and deep thoughts lately, and I just wanted to take a second and praise Jesus. So, join with me as I give all the glory to HIM!

I am stoked for life, because Jesus is in life, which means life is exquisite, and lovely, and no matter what happens, I can have JOY, and I have PURPOSE, and I can sing and dance and shout and look like a complete fool, and people can stare at me and make fun of me, and I don't have to worry because I am flawed, and I know it, and I know that I am exceptionally beautiful to my Daddy, Jesus, and He is all that matters to me right now, and is the One who lifts my head in EVERY circumstance, and He has SO much power and has given me SO much potential and love for people and for life, and a passion to see healing and restoration brought to our generation and to our world, and HE is the center of my passions and I look to HIM for direction, and He knows of every imperfection in me and still loves me, and I can do nothing to change that; I can dance unashamedly before my God and sing with all of my might (those are worth repeating, so much FREEDOM in these actions!), I am so thankful and in awe and completely blown away that I am my Beloved's, and He is mine!

Storytelling.

Art. It's something that I've always wanted to be good at. As far back as I can remember, I've admired art. I've always envied good artists, or those who are so creative that everything that they do or say seems beautiful, just because you know they have amazing art skills.

This week, I embarked on a journey to find out why this meant so much to me.

Sometimes my life is so messy that I just want to create; to be in control of something that is beautiful, and perfect, and flowing, and meaningful.

And so I begin to draw, and to paint, and to write poetry and songs and short stories, I begin to collage pictures together that represent something noble and beautiful to me. I begin to strive for perfection, and every single time I am disappointed. I look back into my sketch book and look at the pictures that I've previously drawn--sloppy and misguided figures that vaguely resemble the picture I remember having in my mind at the moment. I move away from drawing and enter the musically-oriented door in my mind, stepping into a room that I know well, full of instruments and melodies and intricate harmonies that if I could just write down, if I could just figure them out long enough to get one stanza out on paper, out in the open, I know I would reach success. But even this isn't attainable.

I found something out this week. Life is messy. I am messy. Therefore everything I create will be messy, or flawed at some point. With this realization came another decision: I give up. I give up trying to attain perfection. I give up trying to control life. I give up my desire to be more talented than artists around me, because that desire will just drive bitterness and frustration deep into my soul.

However, I will not give up creating. I will not give up painting, and drawing, and writing, and singing, and loving every second of it, because that, too, would drain me completely. Rather, I will change my focus. I will not create perfection.

I will aspire to bring into sight or sound that which is lovely, beautiful, flawed, fierce, speaking of the One who created every talent that I, and those around me, possess. I will tell stories. And I will continue to seek His face as He brings me farther along this path, closer to His presence, to His art.

Spinning.

Some days, my life takes a turn and suddenly, I'm staring down a road that I don't recognize. I'm left gazing down a dusty path that seems too harsh, or too uncomfortable, or too unfamiliar for me to travel down. And so I sit down, and I wait. For what? I'm not sure. Maybe I wait for a car to come along, so I can ride along the dusty path in comfort, letting the air conditioning and the radio carry me along. Maybe it's a truck that I'm waiting for, then I'll get to my destination faster, even if I am riding on a bumpy road in the back of a truck. I'll get a little dirty, but hey! I get to the end quicker.

As I sit at the beginning of my own little road, I wonder if I'm waiting for another path to reveal itself, to open up, to conjure itself into being. And, as I sit staring down this existing road, I wonder. What am I really doing here?

I spend so much time waiting and waiting, wondering where my life is going to go and how I'm going to get to my destination, what I'm going to eat or do on the way there... where I'm doing to live, work, and who I'm going to meet. I waste my time daydreaming about how my life will be, hoping something comes along that will sweep me up and carry me towards the end of whatever I'm trying to accomplish faster.... when really, the answer to my pondering is staring right at me. All I have to do is take a step forward.

This is what my life looked like six months ago. I was in Africa, working with a team of 12 other YWAM students and leaders, visiting orphanages and picking up trash on streets around our home. I was doing street ministry on a daily basis, praying over people, performing skits, singing songs, preaching, giving my testimony. I was going to drug rehab programs and hanging out with people whose lives were just as messed up as mine--albeit in a different way. I was experiencing freedom through holding African children, tickling them, chasing them, making faces at them, rubbing their little backs during church while they slept, draped across my lap. 

Now I am home. I sleep, eat, hang out with my family, and look for work. I go to church, I wonder what is next. 

This past Saturday night, I received some major revelations from God, words of life were spoke over me and my eyes were opened to things that I had never before considered. And I had one incredible realization: 

I have given up on freedom. 

Wait, what? Ninety percent of my blog posts are about freedom, how could I have given up on it? I have been experiencing freedom to a degree since I have been home, but really... I have given up on it's true and pure form. Arriving home, I slowly let myself forget what it was like to wake up in the morning and give the day to God, and then really listen to Him throughout the day for direction. I forgot what it was like to drink water from the tap and open my fridge and have food in it, and stop and take a moment to thank Him for what I have when I know others have so little. I forgot what it was like to truly worship Him, with every aspect of my life, rather than just when I hear a good song that convicts me or moves me in my spirit. I forgot what He was like.

What am I really doing here? This is the question I have been asking myself for the past few days. Am I really, truly seeking my Father's face? Am I really, honestly wanting to grow closer? I think about spending time with Him a lot, but am I really willing to go there? 

And I find myself nodding. I thirst for Him more now that I ever have before, and I think that's because I know what He is like. I know His presence, and I know that I have been running from it. And so here I am. Wrecked, and vulnerable, and wanting Him so badly that I ache, because His presence and direction is so worth it to me. I am willing to go there, willing to bare myself to Him, willing to come out of hiding, because really... He is the only One who can bring me everything I need. Including true freedom.

"My dove in the clefts of the rock,

    in the hiding places on the mountainside,

show me your face,

    let me hear your voice;

for your voice is sweet,

    and your face is lovely."

Song of Songs 2:14