"I have so much pain inside of me. I need you to heal me, because sometimes I can’t even feel the pain, but I know its there. I’ve become numb to it. And that almost scares me more than anything. I don’t want to be numb to it. I want to feel it, because then I know I can feel. Then I know that I have a hope of curing it. I have a hope of knowing it’ll be gone someday..." (Journal entry. May 25, 2011)
When I wrote these words almost a year ago, my heart was so confused and in such a place of hurt that I couldn't even begin to explain what I was feeling. I was not capable of the full range of human emotions--I had blocked them out in attempt to shut out the pain. And it didn't work.
As I sit here writing this right now, and reading back over this excerpt, I cannot believe that I am the same girl who wrote this tortured journal entry almost a year ago. Over the past six months my life has been completely changed. I went on a YWAM DTS in Belize, and my heart finally met my Maker.
Standing before God on the end of a dock in paradise, looking out over the blue water of the Caribbean, is one of the most terrifying, beautiful experiences I have had. His raw power was so reflected in the tides, in the way the wind moved the palms on the beach, in the swirling of the ocean, that all I could do was stand and stare. I remember staying up until 3am one night, confusion swirling inside of me as I sat on the beach under the stars and talked to God. My heart was in a place of frustration, and that night He met me in an intimate and beautiful way. My healing process has not been an easy one, but that night I felt His love and His acceptance so clearly that my breathing quickened, my hands shook.
God is so good. Cliche, I know, but it is so incredibly true. I give every moment of every day to Him, because I know that He is the only one who is able to handle all of me. He is the only one who is capable of taking all that I am, and molding me into something perfect, rather than my poorly shaped self.
The beauty of God's love for me--for you--is truly magnificent. I can't explain His healing power, except to say that all that I have been in the past, all that I was and all the pain I carried, it is no longer there. He has shaped me into something entirely different, and His love has captured me so completely that sometimes I think I can taste it.
Thank you Jesus for healing. Thank you for freedom. Thank you for LIFE.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Breathe. Today is New.
Sometimes I am so blown away by God, by how incredibly passionate He is about me, by how intense His heart is for me, that all I can do is sit and breathe. Every breath, every time I am aware of Him, every time I take a step...it speaks of HIS beauty. It speaks of HIS glory. His heart absolutely thrives when I take the time to look Him in the eye and say, "Hey... I love you Dad."
Each breath of mine whispers a heartbeat of His. I long for my step to fall in with His path. My eyes to be full of His love. My hands to cradle the ones He loves, to hold them and to cherish them as if they were royalty. When I look at others, I don't want to see their faces. I want to see their hearts, their spirits as God created them to be.
I desire to be so in tune with Him and His presence that my confidence in Him doesn't stand on circumstance. It doesn't waver when people look me in the eye and tell me to prove His existence. It doesn't falter when my future is unclear.
I long to be so caught up in Him that there is hardly a distinction between where He begins and I end. No distinction at all, if possible. And the day when I get to run to His arms and have him swing me around, the day I get to sit in His presence and laugh with Him... that will be a sweet, sweet day.
Each breath of mine whispers a heartbeat of His. I long for my step to fall in with His path. My eyes to be full of His love. My hands to cradle the ones He loves, to hold them and to cherish them as if they were royalty. When I look at others, I don't want to see their faces. I want to see their hearts, their spirits as God created them to be.
I desire to be so in tune with Him and His presence that my confidence in Him doesn't stand on circumstance. It doesn't waver when people look me in the eye and tell me to prove His existence. It doesn't falter when my future is unclear.
I long to be so caught up in Him that there is hardly a distinction between where He begins and I end. No distinction at all, if possible. And the day when I get to run to His arms and have him swing me around, the day I get to sit in His presence and laugh with Him... that will be a sweet, sweet day.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Airports. Chai Tea. Giddy.
In the past four days, I have traveled through 4 countries, over three continents, on less than 12 hours of sleep. This is honestly the most fun I have ever had traveling!
Welcome to South Africa, friends! I am currently sitting in the Johannesburg airport in South Africa, waiting with our group to make our connecting flight to Durban, which leaves around 6:20 a.m. I'm sitting here, finishing a cup of Chai tea, watching over all of our bags as the rest of the team sleeps and wanders the area. We are all wiped out. Traveling through four time zones in three days is exhausting.
On Monday, November 28th, we met at 6 a.m. in our dining room at the YWAM DP base in Belize. We ate breakfast together, then traveled into San Pedro to catch a water taxi into Belize City. Once landing in Belize City, we said our farewells to our Guatemala team, who were not traveling with us to the airport.
Once at the airport, the South Africa team broke into two teams of seven. My team left for Miami first, about six hours ahead of the other team. We spent six hours in the Miami airport before heading into an 8 hour flight to Amsterdam. In Amsterdam, we had a 22 hour layover, which we spent at the house of Rene's brother, Dennis De Waard. He and his wife, Kirsten, took in Tracy, Megan, Jo and I, while Charis, Alicia and Duft stayed the night at the house of one of their church members. It was incredible seeing and tasting a bit of Holland. The cheese is incredible!
We met up with the second traveling team on November 30th, and from there we all traveled on an 11 hour flight to Johannesburg. We are currently taking turns alternating between sleeping and keeping an eye on our bags. This has been such an incredible journey so far! I will write more about it later, and add some pictures. I look forward to sharing more with you!
Welcome to South Africa, friends! I am currently sitting in the Johannesburg airport in South Africa, waiting with our group to make our connecting flight to Durban, which leaves around 6:20 a.m. I'm sitting here, finishing a cup of Chai tea, watching over all of our bags as the rest of the team sleeps and wanders the area. We are all wiped out. Traveling through four time zones in three days is exhausting.
On Monday, November 28th, we met at 6 a.m. in our dining room at the YWAM DP base in Belize. We ate breakfast together, then traveled into San Pedro to catch a water taxi into Belize City. Once landing in Belize City, we said our farewells to our Guatemala team, who were not traveling with us to the airport.
Once at the airport, the South Africa team broke into two teams of seven. My team left for Miami first, about six hours ahead of the other team. We spent six hours in the Miami airport before heading into an 8 hour flight to Amsterdam. In Amsterdam, we had a 22 hour layover, which we spent at the house of Rene's brother, Dennis De Waard. He and his wife, Kirsten, took in Tracy, Megan, Jo and I, while Charis, Alicia and Duft stayed the night at the house of one of their church members. It was incredible seeing and tasting a bit of Holland. The cheese is incredible!
We met up with the second traveling team on November 30th, and from there we all traveled on an 11 hour flight to Johannesburg. We are currently taking turns alternating between sleeping and keeping an eye on our bags. This has been such an incredible journey so far! I will write more about it later, and add some pictures. I look forward to sharing more with you!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Outreach, Determination, Family.
At this point in our school, we are about 5 weeks away from leaving for our outreach. The majority of us are heading to South Africa, though some of us are headed to Guatemala as well.
As you may know, our funds were due on Friday, October 14th. The cost for South Africa is $3,700 USD per person, while Guatemala $2,550 USD per person. By the deadline, less than half of us had our funds. At this point, there are still two of us who have about $800 each to raise.
Yesterday, we were given an ultimatum. This Friday, the 21st, is the final deadline for our money to be in.
Throughout these past weeks, we have been learning about teamwork, and about having a group mentality. We decided that, as a team, if one of us is short on funds, all of us are short, so we went over our financial situation together.
As of tonight, we are short about $1,500 USD. We believe that God is sovereign, and that He can provide, but we decided that we needed a plan of action. We are not called to be stagnant Christians, and we are called to work for our money. We have been fasting and praying over our financial situation for weeks on end, and God is delivering the funds to us. He has been providing in incredible ways. While we are being diligent in our prayer, we felt that we also needed to be proactive in our communication to you, and to involve others in our situation.
Dear family, we are coming to you in desperate need of prayer and financial support. I realize that no one person can donate $1,500 USD, but I urge you to seek God in this situation and consider helping us out financially. We believe that God can work miracles, and we are continuing to pray and be diligent and faithful in prayer. We believe that if God called us to this, He will not withdraw His hand from us. As a team, we decided that we need your help, friends. We need your prayer support. We desperately need funds.
We ask that you would consider coming alongside us in this, and prayerfully seeking God about our situation. As a support group, you are so important to us, you are crucial. We appreciate you! Thank you so much for stepping out in prayer, faith, and support on our behalf. We are incredibly grateful!
Again, thank you for reading and following us as we outline our experiences, trials, and triumphs. We are praying for you, as you pray for us!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Outreach
Dear Family,
I have about six more weeks until I leave for outreach! I am so incredibly excited for this new adventure that God is planning in my life. We're headed to South Africa (and a few from our team to Guatemala) with our outreach leaders, Noah and Tracy Applegate, whom we have yet to meet, but they are arriving in early/mid November.
As of right now, there aren't many concrete details, but I have a few details below, taken from our support letter:
Noah and Tracy Applegate
This is an incredible opportunity! I ask that you would be willing to share it with me. As you can see, October 14th has come and gone. I am excited to say that I have $700 dollars for outreach so far! While this is not the full amount, I know that God can provide what I need, and that He knows what is going on, even if I do not.
Friends, I humbly yet boldly ask that you would consider supporting me financially. I realize that money is tight right now, and I thank you so much for supporting me in prayer if that is the case. Our God works through prayer like none other! However, I ask that you would also prayerfully consider financial support as well. The deadline for our money was here and gone, and I admit that I am a tad anxious about finances. Please consider this, bring it to our Father in prayer. If you are feeling prompted, there are a few ways to donate, outline above in the excerpt from our support letter.
Thank you so much for reading and following along with my blog, my life, my needs and frustrations. For sharing in my joys and my pain. I love you all dearly, and I am so excited to see what God has in store for all of us in the future. God bless you! :)
I have about six more weeks until I leave for outreach! I am so incredibly excited for this new adventure that God is planning in my life. We're headed to South Africa (and a few from our team to Guatemala) with our outreach leaders, Noah and Tracy Applegate, whom we have yet to meet, but they are arriving in early/mid November.
As of right now, there aren't many concrete details, but I have a few details below, taken from our support letter:
Some information about upcoming needs:
- The cost of Outreach is $2200 + approx. $1500 travel to outreach location = approx. $3700 US dollars
- Deadline for funds to be submitted Friday October 14th 2011.
If you are interested in supporting students financially you can send funds in these ways:
· Check to YWAM Destination Paradise PO Box 355, Freeland, WA, 98249 USA
· Google Checkout or PayPal at www.ywamdp.org- ‘Get Involved’- ‘Give’ - ‘Student Fees’ –‘Outreach Fee’
Prayer support is also a huge part of outreach; if you could join with us in praying for the following we would appreciate that as well:
· Wisdom and leading for the ministry opportunities
· God to prepare the hearts of people we will connect with
· Unity for the team as we prepare for outreach and while on outreach
Already during Lecture Phase our students have seen and experienced God’s goodness, different aspects of His character and found new freedom in His love for them. The team is tight and have really bonded through times of teaching, sharing and living in close community. In order to make preparations for the Outreach students will be pulling together the funds before October 14th.
Thank you for being a support to the students throughout this first, important stage of training. We know great things will happen in our students and through our students in this Outreach. We hope that their continued journey and experience through Outreach will encourage you.
Best Regards,
This is an incredible opportunity! I ask that you would be willing to share it with me. As you can see, October 14th has come and gone. I am excited to say that I have $700 dollars for outreach so far! While this is not the full amount, I know that God can provide what I need, and that He knows what is going on, even if I do not.
Friends, I humbly yet boldly ask that you would consider supporting me financially. I realize that money is tight right now, and I thank you so much for supporting me in prayer if that is the case. Our God works through prayer like none other! However, I ask that you would also prayerfully consider financial support as well. The deadline for our money was here and gone, and I admit that I am a tad anxious about finances. Please consider this, bring it to our Father in prayer. If you are feeling prompted, there are a few ways to donate, outline above in the excerpt from our support letter.
Thank you so much for reading and following along with my blog, my life, my needs and frustrations. For sharing in my joys and my pain. I love you all dearly, and I am so excited to see what God has in store for all of us in the future. God bless you! :)
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Family, Funds, and Freedom.
These past few weeks have been crazy. It's getting to the time where we need to pay our Outreach funds...this friday is the deadline. Our Team has been spending these past weeks praying, fasting, and praising Jesus for His unfailing love and His provision. Honestly, ore than half of us have the funds for this school, myself included, but I have constantly been blown away by the insight and the hope that continues to flourish in our group. Last night we had a prayer meeting for our Team, and we met out on the dock after dinner...our prayer meeting turned into an impromptu praise session! We broke out the songbooks, clapped, jumped, sang at the top of our lungs, laughed really hard, almopst fell in the water, danced, shouted. It was the most beautiful thing I have seen.
One of my team members, Dawson, did a Devotion yesterday, and he talked about how we need to trust. He told a story about how, when we had been praying the previous week, we were all silent for a time, our group communally seeking God's direction. Dawson heard something from God in that time that he didn't share until this last Monday. As he was sitting and listening to the sound of God's voice, he heard Him say, "Dawson. Do you trust me? Will you trust me if I bring you home? Will you trust me if I bring you to Guatemala? Will you trust me if I bring you to South Africa?" This hit us hard. We had been seeking God's hands, not His face, and we realized that we need to trust Him no matter what or where He brings us in the future. Last night, on the dock, jumping and singing and shouting our praises to Him, we chose to take that step. To trust.
Our outreach funds are due this week. They are due friday. $3,700 USD each...and no matter what happens, no matter where God brings me, brings my group, I choose to trust.
Family, I ask that you would pray for the state of our hearts. That we would choose to trust Him on a daily, hourly basis. That He would be our identity, and we would not claim our lives back from Him. I humbly ask that you would pray for our Team, for our mission. You are such a blessing to us. You are such a blessing to me. Thank you for your support! I will write a bit more later, this weekend. Thank you so much for all of the prayers and blessings and donations that you have been giving. God is good, is He not? Choose to trust. :)
One of my team members, Dawson, did a Devotion yesterday, and he talked about how we need to trust. He told a story about how, when we had been praying the previous week, we were all silent for a time, our group communally seeking God's direction. Dawson heard something from God in that time that he didn't share until this last Monday. As he was sitting and listening to the sound of God's voice, he heard Him say, "Dawson. Do you trust me? Will you trust me if I bring you home? Will you trust me if I bring you to Guatemala? Will you trust me if I bring you to South Africa?" This hit us hard. We had been seeking God's hands, not His face, and we realized that we need to trust Him no matter what or where He brings us in the future. Last night, on the dock, jumping and singing and shouting our praises to Him, we chose to take that step. To trust.
Our outreach funds are due this week. They are due friday. $3,700 USD each...and no matter what happens, no matter where God brings me, brings my group, I choose to trust.
Family, I ask that you would pray for the state of our hearts. That we would choose to trust Him on a daily, hourly basis. That He would be our identity, and we would not claim our lives back from Him. I humbly ask that you would pray for our Team, for our mission. You are such a blessing to us. You are such a blessing to me. Thank you for your support! I will write a bit more later, this weekend. Thank you so much for all of the prayers and blessings and donations that you have been giving. God is good, is He not? Choose to trust. :)
Saturday, September 17, 2011
God, Stars, Laughter, Friends, Ocean, Stingrays, Diving.
Where to begin? Life in Belize is unfathomable. I'm here, in this place, at this moment, and I can't wrap my head around it. I suppose I should start by stating a fact. Our God is indescribable. His works and His paintings in the sky are indescribable. His people are indescribable. His love is jealous. His healing is intense. I could go on and on, for eternity, and never be able to describe anything that is Him or His. It's just too much.
Life here is overwhelming in the sense that God is everywhere. I love it! It's not overwhelming to the point of confusion or frustration. It just...is. The YWAM DP base is incredible, there is a front property, right on the beach, and a back property, which is across the road. In my school there are 14 students, 9 of which are girls, and 5 of which are guys. The guys live on the back property in the casitas, and us girls live up front in our little rooms, three of us to a room. I have amazing roommates, Joanie and Alicia (from Quebec City, and Colorado). I have never clicked with a group of friends this fast or this easily before! Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we know we will be living together for about half a year, and that makes us want to get along, but I think it goes deeper than that. God definitely orchestrated this. He designed every student for this school, and He put us together in a way that no one else could have. We all have different senses of humor, but they all click, they all intertwine and we all somehow end up on the ground laughing, or holding onto something to keep from falling over from weakness and joy. We have formed a bond, even in these past two weeks, and have become family.
This past week our little family had the priveledge of being taught by Chris Toney, the base director. Our lecture this week was on World Views, and we learned about religions such as Islam, Catholicism, Mormanism, Hinduism, Rastafarianism, and a few others. We have had debates and disagreements and jokes and stories about intense times of need and brokenness. And it couldn't be better! Chris is a fantastic speaker. He gives his lectures in a way that challenges your mind to think hard about what is going on, but it is also very clear. (that doesn't make too much sense...but its completely true) He adds humor and tells things like they are. But what I love about Chris and his teaching methods is his immense amount of respect for other cultures, religions, people. He puts it in perspective, and God has given him the ability to gently and firmly get the point across that we are NOT here to judge. We are here to LOVE. And that is one of the most beautiful things ever.
Now we come to the fun part! I have been snorkeling, playing volleyball, spending nights out on the dock with my team laughing, praising Jesus, and talking about home and our dreams, goals, fears, life experiences. We have been playing cards a LOT; Uno, President, BS, Egyptian Rat Screw, and probably some others that I have forgotten about. I learned that I SUCK at volleyball, but it's fun to play with everyone because we joke and tease, and mess around while we play. I love it :)
Today I get to go open-water diving for the first time! Last sunday we took a diving course in the pool and learned a ton of stuff about it, and this week we have been working on our PADI diving books, and today is the day we get to put our knowledge into action! I am incredibly excited/nervous, but I know that it will all be good, and I can't wait to get 60 feet under the ocean surface at the reef, and see God's glory in a way that I have never experienced.
I need to wrap this up, but I want to let y'all (There's a Texan on our team...he's rubbing off on all of us.) know that I love you so much, and I am very excited to hear about what is going on at home, and in your lives. Know that God is keeping me in His arms and I am daily relenquishing control to Him. Pray that I will continue to do so. Thanks so much!
This past week our little family had the priveledge of being taught by Chris Toney, the base director. Our lecture this week was on World Views, and we learned about religions such as Islam, Catholicism, Mormanism, Hinduism, Rastafarianism, and a few others. We have had debates and disagreements and jokes and stories about intense times of need and brokenness. And it couldn't be better! Chris is a fantastic speaker. He gives his lectures in a way that challenges your mind to think hard about what is going on, but it is also very clear. (that doesn't make too much sense...but its completely true) He adds humor and tells things like they are. But what I love about Chris and his teaching methods is his immense amount of respect for other cultures, religions, people. He puts it in perspective, and God has given him the ability to gently and firmly get the point across that we are NOT here to judge. We are here to LOVE. And that is one of the most beautiful things ever.
Now we come to the fun part! I have been snorkeling, playing volleyball, spending nights out on the dock with my team laughing, praising Jesus, and talking about home and our dreams, goals, fears, life experiences. We have been playing cards a LOT; Uno, President, BS, Egyptian Rat Screw, and probably some others that I have forgotten about. I learned that I SUCK at volleyball, but it's fun to play with everyone because we joke and tease, and mess around while we play. I love it :)
Today I get to go open-water diving for the first time! Last sunday we took a diving course in the pool and learned a ton of stuff about it, and this week we have been working on our PADI diving books, and today is the day we get to put our knowledge into action! I am incredibly excited/nervous, but I know that it will all be good, and I can't wait to get 60 feet under the ocean surface at the reef, and see God's glory in a way that I have never experienced.
I need to wrap this up, but I want to let y'all (There's a Texan on our team...he's rubbing off on all of us.) know that I love you so much, and I am very excited to hear about what is going on at home, and in your lives. Know that God is keeping me in His arms and I am daily relenquishing control to Him. Pray that I will continue to do so. Thanks so much!
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