Thrive

I honestly don't know how to start this. I would absolutely love to describe the past three months in a way that grasps everything that has happened, but even the aspiration of such a task seems insurmountable.

I could try to paint a picture of the countless lives that were transformed; lay out stories of individuals whose hearts were wrecked by God in a way that one could only understand if their heart had been through a similar process.

I could draw out pages and pages of details on the healings and freedoms and perspectives gained. I could speak of the demons shattered and the heart-wrenching memories broken; of the strongholds of the enemy that were infiltrated and captured for the King.

I could describe the moments where I sat and held students shaking, sobbing, crying out in pain or fear. I could explain the way that my heart wrenched with anguish on the nights that I wandered around the deserted base, praying and crying, letting my frustration at the enemy vent as I prayed against his very existence on our base.

I could recount many nights of laughter, sitting at the drink palapa with guitars and coke, playing cards and losing game after game after game to one of the students. I could sketch moments of pure ecstasy, where I'm sitting with my small group girls on the end of the dock, washing their feet and blessing them one-by-one as the rest of them swim around the dock or stand on the bench dancing and shouting with laughter.

I could try to describe so many moments...but I don't think I can capture them in a way that they are meant to be captured. I could use all the adjectives in the world and still not convey the right meaning for certain moments.

These three months have been full of 34 students whose lives have been insanely transformed; both audaciously and subtly. Watching them flourish and rise from ashes of past hurts, misgivings, destructive behaviors, and hostile mindsets has been such an extraordinary happening to be a part of.

The September 2012 Lecture Phase is coming to a close for these students, and as they take off to head to their different countries for outreach, I couldn't be more proud. I have been here to witness and encourage them through three months of their lives, and I am ecstatic to hear about their adventures on outreach. I can't describe my love for them, and the best part is; I get to do this all over again in January, with a new set of students.

I realized a few days ago that I am a part of something so incredibly large, so incredibly important; something  that makes a large impression on the lives of many people. And I have the immense privilege of watching men and women of God filter through this school and learn about His awesome, magnificent, marvelous love. I get to be a part of guiding them, of encouraging and listening to them, of praying with them through the night and rejoicing with them through the brilliant dawn.

I am a part of a movement that is so large and encompassing; so important and beautiful; and I am so humbled by that. The fact that I get to live in Belize and watch freedom and healing happen before my very eyes--to facilitate freedom and healing... this is incredible. This is a huge responsibility. It's excruciatingly intricate sometimes. It's extremely taxing. It's abundantly rewarding. And I love every moment of it.

I feel like I'm in my element; learning and teaching, growing and molding, being and doing, following and leading. It's an endless cycle of hope and tears, of joy and sadness. It's beautiful.

And it takes more than just me. I am so privileged to have such a vast prayer team at home; friends and family that are willing to keep me on their hearts in prayer. They are the reason I am here right now; the reason this is so effective. The reason I can be with my small group girls and speak life over them as they sit before me voicing doubts, or dance with them as they gain healing and hope. I LOVE THIS. And I LOVE the team behind me that is supporting me.

So I continue to be thankful, to realize that this endeavor is more than I could ever imagine. To become more vulnerable and more stable in our Jesus, in the Holy Spirit, in my Daddy. I am taking hold of the joy He has given me as a gift, and embracing these students as they head off this week into a new adventure, into a new lifestyle. I've found my place for this season; my sweet spot.

And so I will continue to soak in Jesus, to write, and share my thoughts, and be present, and thrive.

Take Flight. Breathe In. Crush Fear.

I'm really good at running.

I'm exceptional at sprinting, actually. Away from hurt. Away from potential heartache. Away from frustration and away from misfortune. I flee from pain and I search for bliss. Not joy, mind you, but bliss; the encasing, short-lived, euphoric state of mind where no hurt can find you... and generally, I'm apt to find an avenue into that place of rapture. But then that feeling of ecstasy evaporates, and I'm left to abscond again, growing farther and farther away from myself as I try to escape the bitter reality that life sometimes is.

This week, I wanted to run. At some points, everything inside of me was screaming at me to take flight--to turn to the beach, to let my legs pump and my breath flow and the adrenaline carry me to a place of bliss. My mind wanted to shut down, to stop caring about what was happening around me, to enter that place inside of me that is pure imagination, where I can construct and breathe life into something around me that seems safe. But in all reality, I can't do that. I can't leave.

That's something I've learned working here; I can't run. I can't just pick up and check out of what's happening at the moment. For one, what is happening here--however intense, however chaotic--it's happening under Jesus' name. He encompasses every move here, whether it brings glory to Him or not. He can't help it, His presence just automatically permeates everything. All that is going on isn't necessarily from Him, but He is always encasing every situation, and that which is evil and disgusting is shown for what it really is in a heartbeat. The deception game doesn't work too well here. But then, I'm getting ahead of myself.

This week has been draining. Every day has been a constant battle for truth and healing. It's been amazingly breathtaking. He has been amazingly breathtaking. He has propelled us as staff members forward through a web of deceit and hurt and given us ears and eyes to hear and see the truth as lies unfold before us. He has given us strength to wake up every morning, ready for a new day. And He has taught me that it's okay to face pain head-on. Granted, it's not my pain that I'm facing, but He has still given me a will to fight for His children, a passion to see freedom break through the hurt and the confusion that so easily entangles. This past week has been full of a pain and a confusion that I've never had to face before. I've never dealt with the circumstances that we're in at the moment. I've never walked through some of these things with people. In essence--I have no idea what I'm doing, or how I'm going to do this.

But then...that's the beauty of it, isn't it? Because when I end...that's where Jesus really begins to work. Where the Father floods His grace on me and those around. When the Spirit is allowed to completely flow through me and wreck my heart for Him, and make me thirst for more of Him in my depravity. And so I stop running. I slow down... I take a deep breath. The adrenaline drains and I begin to feel the exhaustion steal in. My heart rate slows and my eyes grow heavy, my limbs almost too weary to propel myself along...and suddenly, the hair on my arms stands up. 

I feel a burst of energy come from thin air, crashing into me and taking my breath away, even as it gives me the strength to keep gasping for the oxygen my body so eagerly craves. My muscles start to strengthen, seemingly of their own accord. I suddenly have the will to fight, the will to keep walking in the direction I was headed in the first place--away from bliss, into this messy, painful, hard, beautiful, crushing lifestyle called missions, where some days you don't get to rest, some nights you're pulled from your sleep and you can feel the enemy crushing down on you, you can see dark shadows in the room trying to oppress you, and all you can do is pray and pray in earnest faith, knowing that these dark beings have no power over you if you can just open your mouth to speak His name... where sometimes you're jerked from your dreams by a knock on the door, and suddenly you're throwing on clothing to rush into some unknown emotional or mental territory with one of the students.

But in those moments I realize that this is really what I love. I wouldn't change this. Even when I'm waking up to a knock on my door at 1am. Even when I'm sitting on the end of the dock crying in anguish for the hurting souls gathered on this base. I wouldn't change any of the pain, or the hurt, because along with it comes great growth, and great joy, and an even greater sense of His presence and Spirit. Because even though, yes, this is hard...I know that it is fully worth it. Every second of it. All the tears, all the laughter, all the silly moments I have with those around, all the sad hugs shared, all the smiles and wry looks given and sarcasm and dancing and singing and twirling together.

I suppose the appropriate thing to say is that I have previously been fantastic at running away. But Jesus is teaching me to saunter, to savor the moment--whether filled with sorrow or joy--and to take it one step at a time, letting all the hard moments be erased with every laugh, with every smile that shows itself.

And so I stop sprinting. I slow down...I take a deep breath. And I let His touch sear like a million wildfires inside of my soul.

I trust...Sometimes.

I trust.

I trust the chair I'm sitting in to hold me. 

I trust the floor I walk on to carry my weight.

I trust the water I drink and the food I consume to keep me alive.

But do I trust God?

I have a hard time trusting that He will take care of me. And so today, I'm taking a step of faith. I had a lengthy conversation with Him this morning about my lack of funds, and I kept hearing Him say, 

"Trust me." Not a suggestion. Not a casual, "Hey, Em, maybe you should trust me a little more. Think you can do that?" But a sincere, peace-filled, I-Know-What-I'm-Doing statement. 

"Trust me." And so I am. I'm trusting that He will provide the money I need to pay staff fees/visa renewal, and general living costs. I asked Him this morning if He would provide just enough, and heard Him replying to me;

"How much do you want?"

Well, God. I need enough for staff fees. It'd be nice to pay off a few months in advance so I don't need to worry about it... but I'll take what you give me.

"No, that wasn't my question, Em. How much do you want?"

Um. I need enough to pay for my visa renewal every month, so $150 would last me for 6 months. Plus staff fees to pay for a few months out. And staff fees are $200 a month... so, I don't know, maybe about $950 would be generous.

"Baby Girl, my Wild One, whom I've chosen, how much money do you want Me to provide?"

I wrestled with His question for quite awhile, and it finally hit me--He wants to provide more than I need. He wants to give me above and beyond that which I ask for. So I'm praying in $8000. I don't know where it will come from, or how it will come, or how long it will take to get, but I believe that He can provide. I believe He has the means to support me while I'm here. This was His idea in the first place, and I believe that as long as I am obedient, He will provide. I do need to take action as well and send support letters out, but that's in the process. I'm trusting Him.

Jesus, I want $8000. I realize that some may think that's greedy, or too much. But it's not. You know what I need it for, what I will use it for, who I will bless with bits a pieces of it. I trust You to provide. 

I trust.

Dead Men Don't Care How They Feel.

You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you've been fasting for a few days (or just haven't eaten for quite a while)? When your stomach is contracting and seems to be screaming for food, for something to fill the emptiness, something to sink into it and fill it up?

And when you get to that point--the point of gnawing, almost agonizing hunger--it's almost all you can do at points to keep going. You just want something to eat.

Then you see it. A donut, sitting on a plate, perfectly glazed and beautiful and sweet and oh so worth it! You take a few steps towards it. But wait... you're fasting. You can't have it yet. Your stomach is begging, "Please! I need it. Please... it's all I want." But your mind knows that there needs to be a shift in something before the fast can end. There needs to be an action or a result before you can end your period of hunger.

Have you ever thought about how Jesus feels when we're wandering from Him? His heart is full of a burning, endless passion for us. I imagine that when we stray, when we decide to turn our backs to Him, His pain in hunger for our presence is much like that of the example above. Everything in Him cries to just take us, but He knows that that's not how it can be. It doesn't work like that. There has to be a shift first; we have to choose to turn and acknowledge Him first. He won't force us down, He will simply wait and see what we choose. But then, it isn't so simple, is it? His heart still longs for us, He craves our presence with the very essence of His being.

I've been learning the process of complete abandon to Him. Staffing with YWAM as a DTS staff member, among having other responsibilities, has been one of the most challenging journeys I've embarked on. But every single moment of victory and triumph over then enemy trumps the frustration and chaos of the harder moments. There have been so many changes here in the past week; laced with miscommunication, tragedy, joy, freedom, and subtle yet powerful shifts in the spiritual and physical realms. 

Along with the rest of the staff, I've been walking through freedom and denial with the students; each one with an individual story, a different thought process, a unique passion. Being in a position where I am constantly pouring God's truth and heart into them is a delicate yet exhilarating place to be. When the Father gives me words to speak or actions to take, I am responsible to say or take those actions... That's a lot of responsibility. But then again, it all comes down to abandoning myself to Him. There's been so many opportunities to speak His love over the students, and there have honestly been times where I haven't wanted to be His mouthpiece. Honestly though--I'm not here for me. I'm not here to do what I want to do, in my time, on my terms. 

There's an amazing thing happening here--God's been having some incredible moments of freedom within these students, and I've been so privileged to be a part of this. I'm learning every day, in every moment, to abandon every single part of me to the Father. I'm not perfect; I don't always follow His instruction, I'm not the most refined in speech or conduct, but I am trying to be closer to Him. I'm learning, I'm asking questions, I'm wanting to be closer to His heart in every way. And I think that maybe I'm getting a tad closer. Maybe. 

I've been challenged by a quote I found while researching for a project this past week:

Are you prepared to let God take you into total oneness with Himself, paying no more attention to what you call the great things of life? Are you prepared to surrender totally and let go?  -OswaldChambers

I want this.

I want to be completely, totally, irrevocably His. My heart burns for His presence, and I want to crave Him in such a way as I described above in the donut illustration. I want to want Him as badly as He wants and calls for me. I pray for that. It'd be a crazy experience... but then again, His love is crazy for me, so why shouldn't my love for Him be equally as mad?

Join me as I pray for more of a passion for Him. I ask that you'd partner with me in prayer, and pray over the lives of these students, of the staff, as we continue to walk out this path that He's placed us on. Pray that we as staff are able to communicate His love in a way that outlines His enduring passion for the students. Because really, if He wants me that bad... He wants them even more. And I can't wait for them to realize that,

I want to walk as one who is dead; one who doesn't care what happens to them; one whose feelings don't steer everything they do, but they walk out what they're called to do. I want to have a heart for others like Jesus had. Not a cheap imitation or a counterfeit worthy only to pawn off onto others, but the real thing. Genuine. 

This is my heart: to be completely abandoned to Him, to let Him take me into total oneness with Himself.

I want to walk as the dead. Because dead men don't care how they feel. They care only of the will and heart of the Master.

Walking Over Fire

Three weeks have passed since this school started, and each day has been packed full of activity. 

Week three is coming to a close, and the students are blowing my mind.

This past week Lynn Toney has been teaching. Her week was all about gaining freedom through forgiveness, acknowledging your patterns of sin, and processing everything that's happened to you in your past to shape who you are today. Every day this week has been intense; Lynn has been cracking down on the students and pouring God's love and passion over them--challenging them every step of the way to face their pasts, acknowledge their present behavior and thought process, and to gain freedom for their future.

I am so proud of every single student here. They've been slowly moving forward, taking ownership of their character and deciding whether or not to live out their lives in integrity. We've been constantly praying and doing spiritual battle with them over their relationships with God and their roles here on earth. Some of these students are challenging--there are always a few--but it's been incredibly encouraging and beautiful to see every single person opening up a bit more to the prospect that they have a significant dent on this earth, and that God has so much more for them than living in the places that they're at; full of hurt, anger, apathy. 

It's a beautiful thing when you start to see 34 students have light-bulb moments, moments where they start to get that they're not as put together as they think, and that they want God so much more than the worlds influences. They're learning that their pasts dictate how they see God, that they need to get past that point where they think He brought everything upon them, but that He did in fact walk through every moment with them.

This week has been powerful, we've seen some students start to break apart the walls around their hearts and embrace the love and freedom that God is pouring into them. Some of them don't realize it's a process quite yet and it won't happen in one moment, but they'll get it.

This is a beautiful, heart-wrenching, incredible process to be a part of. It's such an honor to be a small group leader to nine girls whose hearts are in completely different places, who come from intensely different situations and families but still have beautiful characteristics or past happenings in common. Each one of "my girls", and every single other student on this base--male or female--is a profound statement of the love and passion that Jesus has for this earth. The fact that He's brought together 34 incredibly different personalities and somehow made them all click is a testimony of His greatness in itself. Each one of these beautiful children of the Most High are becoming more and more precious in my heart, and I can't wait to see where He will bring them. 

Jesus is good. His love is pouring over this school--over the staff and the students--in an alarming wave of healing and freedom. This is like walking over coals to some of us--to most of us. The students are heading into unknown territory; walking through their pasts and making a decision whether or not to live in freedom and let healing overtake them.

PRAYER REQUESTS

Please continue to pray that we would all be open to the Holy Spirit and His movement and direction. He's been leading us into battle against the enemy, and it's been a beautiful and difficult process. 

Please continue to pray for spiritual strength and unity for the staff members, that we would be completely open with each other and that God's grace, peace and courage would infiltrate every situation that we walk through with the students.

Please pray that the students would continue to embrace Jesus, to let Him hug them in return and take away their pain. They're unsure and frustrated, but it's been amazing so far. The enemy SO wants to take them down, and in a way it's working with some of them. 

But we as believers have a bigger power and the authority, so let's claim that! 

God has SO much healing and restoration in store for this school. He has been speaking integrity and character over them at every single turn, and I am praying that they begin to own that. 

Galatians 5:19-25

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;  idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

Thank you for your support--I appreciate every single one of you!

This Is Real.

I want to love through--and with--everything inside of me. I want my love to do. I want my love to serve.

These past two weeks have been eye-opening. I've spent every day learning and rediscovering just what this time is going to be about, for myself as well as the current students.

As DTS staff we sit in on lectures with the students, and this week has been powerful. John Gotz, the speaker this week, is from Punta Gorda, Belize, and speaks on Warrior-ship and the Warrior mentality that we are called to have. Every day here on Earth is a battle. Every day I need to actively fight against the lies that are barraging me on every side... this is something that I realized last year during my own DTS, but it just intensified. Now I am not only fighting for my own faith and my own relationship with Jesus, but also for the lives and mentalities and attitudes and relationships of 34 students. Spiritual warfare isn't just for me. It's for everyone around, every single person within my scope of influence. I have been called to action, called to fight for these students in whatever way needed.

Fighting takes character. Galatians 5 has been an incredibly empowering chapter for me, inspiring me to take on the attributes of the Father, to emulate Him and to imitate Him in every single movement. I have been called to take on His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control. I have been called to cast away all deception, selfishness, anger, frustration, jealousy.

It is for freedom that Christ has set me free, therefore I will cast aside all chains that have hindered me and will step into this freedom in purity, never looking back. I am called to live a life on integrity and of character.

A week before the students arrived, we had staff training week. During this week we learned about small groups, how to deal with different situations, and how to effectively release control to the Spirit every moment of the day. We were challenged to meditate on Galatians 5:22-23, to seek God about how to really, effectively live out His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control.

How do I reflect God and His character of integrity every moment, with everything in me? How can I get to that place where my littlest actions reflect Him, and not just my big decisions? I want to get to the point where every movement and every breath I take screams His name, His character. Is this obtainable? I believe so. It takes practice, it takes determination, it takes integrity to choose every single day to make a point to think like Him and act like Him. By pressing into Him, putting Him into the center of my life way more than I ever have before.

This is a journey. Working with students, living in community, choosing every day to live for the rest of the staff, to live for the students instead of myself, that's hard. But it's getting easier every single day. I am here to honor my Father, and I am so privileged to be in His presence and work with His children every day.

This is my heart right now, my cry. I need to thank all of you for making this a possibility. I can't explain how crucial my time is here, and how incredible the team here is. God has hand-picked each of us for this moment, and every day I'm reminded of His sovereignty and His power and love. So thank you, you are such an amazing support system, and I am so thankful to be here, so honored to be here and to be able to speak into the lives of these students.

I'll write again later this week, including more of what's going on here and how God has been moving in the physical as well as the spiritual around base. God is so good.

Belize. Laughter. Mosquitoes.

All I hear is laughter. It's like I've stepped into a realm of joy, and I've been told my presence brings the promise of more.

Being back in Belize is a breath of fresh air. Seeing those whom I'd previously met here as well as forming friendships with the new staff members who are coming in to DP this next season has been incredible! There are four new staff members; myself included. David, Dallas, and Zoe are all new this year, the boys did their DTS with DP this past January, while Zoe's was in 2008 while Destination Paradise still had their boats.

I've been here almost a full week, as I arrived last Tuesday morning. The past week has been spent settling into this new space and getting to know the rest of the staff here. Zoe and I spent a few mornings sanding and painting bunk beds that Rene, one of the other staff members, built for the students. It was hot, sweaty work and took us three days to finish six beds, but it was so fulfilling! It wasn't hard work, but we were productive and it was fun to bond and laugh with Zoe while we worked.

Today we started staff training week and I think the next few days will be amazing. It's beautiful hearing the hearts of these incredible people, coming together in the name of our Father, working towards one common goal. We're preparing for 34 students to arrive on base and praying that as they arrive, the presence of Jesus would be tangible to them on base.

Please join in prayer with us as we ask Jesus to prepare our hearts to be His hands and feet, as we prepare to give our all to these kids, pouring out His love and grace over them and walking with integrity and strong character as we lead.

I'm excited for the students to arrive. A little nervous if I'm honest, but mostly stoked to be a part of their lives and have the opportunity to speak truth and freedom and love over the lives of these young people. I know Jesus will blow them away with His presence and His intense, graceful, beautiful love. I know He will challenge me in ways I might not have been challenged before. I am so excited to see how He decides to lead this next school!

Being on staff definitely has a different quality to it than coming in as a student. I absolutely love bonding with the staff--laughing with them, watching movies, snorkeling, cooking, swimming, reading, discussing... Every bit of it. Like I said earlier; joy prevails here. Laughter doesn't seem to stop, and there are so many opportunities I claim joy in every situation, it's amazing. It blows me away that already God is opening me to things I hadn't realized before coming here, things He's been trying to teach me all summer that I'm finally realizing.

He is so good, the way He loves unconditionally and doesn't condemn. His patience with me is astounding!

Anyhow, these are just a ton of random thoughts and snippets of life since I've been here. I'll write more this week, I just wanted To put something out so you all know I'm doing well so far. T