Musings.

"The best equipping is living

in My presence,

My hand that never lets go of yours. 

Discuss everything with Me... Remember that 

I am on your side, and that I have overcome the world."

Often I live as if I'm on the losing side of the battle. I find myself focusing on my insecurities and I allow the little nagging thoughts of doubt take root and idly observe as they begin to bloom. 

I've been reading through John; a chronicled account of Jesus' coming and going, of His passionate and radical and beautifully messy lifestyle. I find hope in that, because I can identify with the messy. I identify with the characters that encounter Him; with the woman at the well in chapter 4 who is caught up in something that she tries to hide and He calls her out in love, drawing her in to drink of His wellspring, calling her into true life. 

I identify with the blind man in chapter 9 who, without question, did exactly as Jesus instructed and was able to see for the first time, tasting the freedom of His gift fully.

And while I find a common ground with many of these ancient characters, I take heart in the fact that my God is indeed the Father of all, that He is Mighty, Strong, a Wonderful Counselor and a God of unabashed Love. And I find that, rather than taking up the mindset of the defeated, He has given me the Spirit, and  "He who believes in Me [Jesus], as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water". (John 7:38) 

We constantly live in a place of war within ourselves; trying to decide whether to follow our hearts or follow that which we know to be true. We borrow advice from the deep places in our hearts and believe them to be absolute truth without testing them first, however, Jeremiah 17:9 challenges that very concept;

The heart is deceitful above all things,

and desperately sick,

who can understand it?

You know what strikes me? Not even the fact that my heart is deceitful above ALL things, but that it is desperately sick. My heart. My heart, which has been seeking and craving and running after God for years. My heart, which I want with every part of me to believe is good and whole and pure. But even in saying that, I know that my assumptions are incorrect. 

I am flawed; I am desperately sick; and I am grateful for this.

Because that gives me a chance to be like the blind man; to be in a place of humility and raw desperation where my Jesus can place His hands over me and instruct me towards healing. Because He promises that in my belief of Him, He will equip me with the Holy Spirit, which will flow from me like a river of water, quenching the dark and spreading light within. Because my flaws are the very things He is going to heal when I enter into His kingdom for the rest of eternity. Because when I am passing through His gates into His glorious, unleashed presence, I will experience Him like never before.

I know that in Him I am on the winning side. That I don't have to strive to fight the battle in my own strength, but that He is next to me grinning, effortlessly holding up His defense against the enemy and urging me to do the same, drawing from His unending strength. 

He is my Champion. He has overcome.

Let The Blind Eyes be Opened

"Wilderness and desert will sing joyously,
    the badlands will celebrate and flower—
Like the crocus in spring, bursting into blossom,
    a symphony of song and color.
Mountain glories of Lebanon—a gift.
    Awesome Carmel, stunning Sharon—gifts.
God’s resplendent glory, fully on display.
    God awesome, God majestic.

Energize the limp hands,
    strengthen the rubbery knees.
Tell fearful souls,
    “Courage! Take heart!
God is here, right here,
    on his way to put things right
And redress all wrongs.
    He’s on his way! He’ll save you!”

Blind eyes will be opened,
    deaf ears unstopped,
Lame men and women will leap like deer,
    the voiceless break into song.
Springs of water will burst out in the wilderness,
    streams flow in the desert.
Hot sands will become a cool oasis,
    thirsty ground a splashing fountain.
Even lowly jackals will have water to drink,
    and barren grasslands flourish richly.

There will be a highway
    called the Holy Road.
No one rude or rebellious
    is permitted on this road.
It’s for God’s people exclusively—
    impossible to get lost on this road.
    Not even fools can get lost on it.
No lions on this road,
    no dangerous wild animals—
Nothing and no one dangerous or threatening.
    Only the redeemed will walk on it.
The people God has ransomed
    will come back on this road.
They’ll sing as they make their way home to Zion,
    unfading halos of joy encircling their heads,
Welcomed home with gifts of joy and gladness
    as all sorrows and sighs scurry into the night."

-Isaiah 35 (MSG)

Today is about receiving the joy and strength that my Daddy has gifted me with! I'm dancing in His freedom!

I Have a Voice

There are nights when I sit on the dock and look out into the deep black that is the ocean in front of me, wondering why in the world I have been called to be here. I lean against the pole of the palapa roof that is hovering over my head, breathing the salt-and-wind laced air that is my constant companion.

I don't feel inadequate here; I can honestly say that that isn't what makes me question. I love what I do, I love the leadership role that I am in. I love being immersed in a culture that revolves around the Father from whom we all came. I wouldn't do any of this differently. Maybe 'why' isn't necessarily the correct question; rather, how? How am I equipped to continue to live here? How am I going to fulfill the calling that I know has been placed on my life? I have been called to inspire; to reach the college-age generation and to speak life and meaning and purpose over them. To call the youth of this world up into leadership, into a life-bringing people whose energy spills from them, engulfing those around and reaching to the depths of the souls that are hurting and crying out for freedom. I am called to protect and feed the weak, to encourage and challenge and push the strong, to call out the apathetic and to love on the hurting.

I am called to use my voice.

I had the incredible opportunity to teach one day of lectures here at YWAM Destination Paradise. I had 3 hours on January 17th to teach our students about leaving a legacy of integrity. However, you can't leave a legacy without knowing first who you are, without being secure in your identity. I taught on how to find your identity in Christ, about how to leave the baggage that we so easily and so harshly pack for ourselves and carry with us throughout our lives; those things that we are ashamed of and worried about and the things that we feel make us "dirty" or "unlovable" or "slutty" or a "jackass". Those things that we haul around that label us "unworthy", "abusive", "selfish", "stupid". These are things we are called to drop; to abandon and to leave behind us as we step into a new identity: an identity reflecting Isaiah 62.

I spent three hours speaking life into these students, praying over them and seeking God for truths and freedom to speak into their lives. I knew as soon as I stepped up in front of the students that this was where I wanted to be; in front of young adults, speaking life and love and freedom and healing over them. I am called to fulfill Isaiah 61; calling healing into people's lives and freeing the captives from their hurt and the chains that have so easily entangled them in the past.

Teaching is something that I know will be a part of my future with YWAM, whether it's just here at DP, or I might decide to develop my own teaching week. We'll see what God has for me. So far, this school has been wonderful; it's been challenging in it's own way, but I can see God moving so freely and so beautifully in the lives of everyone on base here; staff and students alike.

This past week has been particularly challenging for me; I'm learning to walk further in the truths that God's speaking over me and am finding areas that still need healing from my past. It's a journey, and it always will be, but it is so worth it to walk this out in a community of people that I know are fighting for me, with a God who I know has my back. He is continuing to blow my mind and is ever shaping me into a beautiful creature in Him.

I'm walking forth into further freedom, leaving behind the lies and the areas that I have been caught up in, claiming His life and love over myself.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set you free; stand fast, therefore, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." -Galatians 5:1

Not Just Another Journey

"You don't become a new person by changing your behavior. You discover the person that you already are in Christ and you start to behave accordingly because the Holy Spirit is with you. He makes moves on you. Uncommon love is present and active for your good." -Graham Cooke

I've been listening to a lot of Graham Cooke recently, diving into his 'Uncommon Love' series. A part of his message is about baggage, about the things that we've carried into our present-future from our past. 

We're four days into this January 2013 DTS here at DP, and it's going wonderfully. Right now the students are taking advantage of their first free day so far by heading into town, snorkeling, kayaking and playing volleyball. It's fantastic to have so many people around again. 

There's already been some insane freedom happening here; the students shared their testimonies last night and some of them bared their hearts like they've never bared them before. It's beautiful to see so many young people laying their hearts out and trusting that they will be safe; sharing their lives and letting their walls come down, their vulnerable sides be visible for a split second. 

My heart is already wrenching for them; some have come from some incredibly hard situations and I feel so privileged to have heard their stories and have them give permission for me to speak into their lives. Connections are being made between us as staff and them as students, and I feel more and more the need to be 100% real with them in everything I say and do. This isn't a group to trifle with. None of them ever are, but I already feel the strong pull of leadership in their lives and I feel like I've been given an ability to tap into their hearts and see what God wants to say specifically to each one of them.

His faithfulness has already been showing up to these 25 amazing college-aged men and women, and I am so excited to see how they respond and grow as He continues to break down the walls they've built up inside and pour into them until they have that moment where they get it. That moment where they absolutely get His love and get His touch and feel what He has for them. I can't wait for the dawn to break in their lives. So many of them have been found wanting, have been lacking something and have been searching for it for such a long time. My heart is pulled towards them with a love that can only come from the Father; a love and a passion to see them succeed, and to see them explode into a passionate, worshipful, strong and healthy school. 

These students have it. They have so much potential that it blows me away to even think about it. Their strong character and the depth of their hearts and personalities is breath-taking. I'm already so proud of them all, and we've just barely wrapped up orientation week! They have a hunger and a heartbeat and thirst for God that I haven't seen before; an almost dire desperation to find Him, to be close to Him, to find that purpose and that strength and that security and that love that only He can provide. 

This is always a journey, and I am so thankful for that. The ability to build and work and live together in relationship and community with one another is always an adventure. Having 25 more people move into our home here is wonderful, and I can't even begin to describe the excitement I feel when I think about how far these students will have come at the end of the school. I feel such fierce loyalty to fight for them, to urge them every step of the way towards Jesus, to love them with everything He gives me. They are so worth this. 

The baggage is about to be non-existent. Freedom is coming so swiftly that I can't even begin to follow it. Like I said; it's a process, but it's about to get real, and intense, and wonderful. God is so good!

Climb.

I admit, I've been procrastinating. I've been locking myself away and reading, and watching movies, and not writing. I've been preoccupied with moving through the days until the next school starts, rationalizing that once those days hit, I'll be doing something worthwhile. Guess what?

Today is worthwhile.

Today is worth living.

And I forgot that.

I forgot that I am here for a purpose; and every single day that I don't chase after that purpose, I'm wasting time. My purpose here is to know Jesus and to proclaim Him and His love and His majesty and wonder over everything I come in contact with. So, today I decided to do things differently. I spent the entire morning with Jesus. Not making up for lost time, because I can't get that time back, but making a conscious effort to restore my relationship with Him. I've been on a bit of a roller coaster since being in Belize; during the last school I was actively pursuing God, wandering in His wake. It was amazing, until I let my guard down. And then I started to become apathetic about it, and I didn't wake up for Him in the morning. I woke up for me...I woke up so I could walk through another day. I let things like homesickness and doubt distract me from His ever-waving arms. I let Him become something that was comfortable and worn, something that I put on when I want to feel warm and cozy, much like my old sweatpants.

I was reading this morning, and the book I was reading was talking about the God of Ezekiel. Have you ever read the book of Ezekiel? It's all about a jealous God. A God who doesn't stand up and let people get away with wickedness. It is about a fierce, warrior God who loves His people so much, He won't watch them go to ruin. He will let them take the consequences for their actions, though.

Want to know what crossed my mind this morning? God's not a pair of old, worn out sweatpants. God is a God of love, terrible and passionate love that will stop at no bounds. He is a God of fire and water, a God of justice and of mercy. A gentle God. An intense God. A lover God. A wild, and powerful, and relentless God. A holy God.

And I completely lost sight of that. Needless to say, I was humbled by this revelation, and I sat with Him talking and reading more about His incredible nature, listening to Him as He poured His devotion over me.

It's been hard for me recently. I'm a part of a school that disciples young people to go into life and become leaders in faith, leaders in ministry, leaders in integrity. We are now moving into a time where we will have 4 schools per year, and I have the wonderful privilege of staffing here. That means that I am a girls small group leader--I mentor and counsel and pray over and live for my girls as they are here. Last school, there were 9 girls in my group, and I was absolutely in rapture with the love that God gave me for them. I got to sit with them and hear their stories; stories of pain, of humiliation, of self-hurt and of abuse. I got to counsel them, to walk with them through memories and feelings and their own tortured thoughts, speaking God's light and life into them as we went.

I had the chance to chase after them as they bolted to the end of the dock and fell onto their knees, sobbing in the sheer pain of their circumstances. I had the freedom to pull them into my arms and hold them, tears slipping down my own face as I prayed for words, and if none came, I sat with them in silence, letting them cry it out as I held them, as Jesus held both of us in His presence.

And when those young women sat before me at the end of the school and I spoke to them about how they had impacted me, about how I had seen the change in them as they grew closer to God, I was so proud, so privileged to see them grin, their eyes glowing as they walked away with their heads held high in trust of the Father, in trust of His plan for them, in a new mindset of self-esteem and love.

I played a piece in a wild, incredible transformation. My girls left this space with a new breath in their lungs. They are changed for the better, and not by my doing. I was just a tool in this, and it's not over. They will continue to grow and flourish as they go on in life. 

This is what I do here, this is why I am here. To serve this awe-inspiring, trustworthy, fierce, loyal, loving, passionate, wonderful, crazy God. And He is constantly calling out His plea for us to join Him... today, I will.  And tomorrow, I will. And the next day, I will choose this.

Because He is worthy of this.

Dead Men Don't Care How They Feel.

You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you've been fasting for a few days (or just haven't eaten for quite a while)? When your stomach is contracting and seems to be screaming for food, for something to fill the emptiness, something to sink into it and fill it up?

And when you get to that point--the point of gnawing, almost agonizing hunger--it's almost all you can do at points to keep going. You just want something to eat.

Then you see it. A donut, sitting on a plate, perfectly glazed and beautiful and sweet and oh so worth it! You take a few steps towards it. But wait... you're fasting. You can't have it yet. Your stomach is begging, "Please! I need it. Please... it's all I want." But your mind knows that there needs to be a shift in something before the fast can end. There needs to be an action or a result before you can end your period of hunger.

Have you ever thought about how Jesus feels when we're wandering from Him? His heart is full of a burning, endless passion for us. I imagine that when we stray, when we decide to turn our backs to Him, His pain in hunger for our presence is much like that of the example above. Everything in Him cries to just take us, but He knows that that's not how it can be. It doesn't work like that. There has to be a shift first; we have to choose to turn and acknowledge Him first. He won't force us down, He will simply wait and see what we choose. But then, it isn't so simple, is it? His heart still longs for us, He craves our presence with the very essence of His being.

I've been learning the process of complete abandon to Him. Staffing with YWAM as a DTS staff member, among having other responsibilities, has been one of the most challenging journeys I've embarked on. But every single moment of victory and triumph over then enemy trumps the frustration and chaos of the harder moments. There have been so many changes here in the past week; laced with miscommunication, tragedy, joy, freedom, and subtle yet powerful shifts in the spiritual and physical realms. 

Along with the rest of the staff, I've been walking through freedom and denial with the students; each one with an individual story, a different thought process, a unique passion. Being in a position where I am constantly pouring God's truth and heart into them is a delicate yet exhilarating place to be. When the Father gives me words to speak or actions to take, I am responsible to say or take those actions... That's a lot of responsibility. But then again, it all comes down to abandoning myself to Him. There's been so many opportunities to speak His love over the students, and there have honestly been times where I haven't wanted to be His mouthpiece. Honestly though--I'm not here for me. I'm not here to do what I want to do, in my time, on my terms. 

There's an amazing thing happening here--God's been having some incredible moments of freedom within these students, and I've been so privileged to be a part of this. I'm learning every day, in every moment, to abandon every single part of me to the Father. I'm not perfect; I don't always follow His instruction, I'm not the most refined in speech or conduct, but I am trying to be closer to Him. I'm learning, I'm asking questions, I'm wanting to be closer to His heart in every way. And I think that maybe I'm getting a tad closer. Maybe. 

I've been challenged by a quote I found while researching for a project this past week:

Are you prepared to let God take you into total oneness with Himself, paying no more attention to what you call the great things of life? Are you prepared to surrender totally and let go?  -OswaldChambers

I want this.

I want to be completely, totally, irrevocably His. My heart burns for His presence, and I want to crave Him in such a way as I described above in the donut illustration. I want to want Him as badly as He wants and calls for me. I pray for that. It'd be a crazy experience... but then again, His love is crazy for me, so why shouldn't my love for Him be equally as mad?

Join me as I pray for more of a passion for Him. I ask that you'd partner with me in prayer, and pray over the lives of these students, of the staff, as we continue to walk out this path that He's placed us on. Pray that we as staff are able to communicate His love in a way that outlines His enduring passion for the students. Because really, if He wants me that bad... He wants them even more. And I can't wait for them to realize that,

I want to walk as one who is dead; one who doesn't care what happens to them; one whose feelings don't steer everything they do, but they walk out what they're called to do. I want to have a heart for others like Jesus had. Not a cheap imitation or a counterfeit worthy only to pawn off onto others, but the real thing. Genuine. 

This is my heart: to be completely abandoned to Him, to let Him take me into total oneness with Himself.

I want to walk as the dead. Because dead men don't care how they feel. They care only of the will and heart of the Master.

Walking Over Fire

Three weeks have passed since this school started, and each day has been packed full of activity. 

Week three is coming to a close, and the students are blowing my mind.

This past week Lynn Toney has been teaching. Her week was all about gaining freedom through forgiveness, acknowledging your patterns of sin, and processing everything that's happened to you in your past to shape who you are today. Every day this week has been intense; Lynn has been cracking down on the students and pouring God's love and passion over them--challenging them every step of the way to face their pasts, acknowledge their present behavior and thought process, and to gain freedom for their future.

I am so proud of every single student here. They've been slowly moving forward, taking ownership of their character and deciding whether or not to live out their lives in integrity. We've been constantly praying and doing spiritual battle with them over their relationships with God and their roles here on earth. Some of these students are challenging--there are always a few--but it's been incredibly encouraging and beautiful to see every single person opening up a bit more to the prospect that they have a significant dent on this earth, and that God has so much more for them than living in the places that they're at; full of hurt, anger, apathy. 

It's a beautiful thing when you start to see 34 students have light-bulb moments, moments where they start to get that they're not as put together as they think, and that they want God so much more than the worlds influences. They're learning that their pasts dictate how they see God, that they need to get past that point where they think He brought everything upon them, but that He did in fact walk through every moment with them.

This week has been powerful, we've seen some students start to break apart the walls around their hearts and embrace the love and freedom that God is pouring into them. Some of them don't realize it's a process quite yet and it won't happen in one moment, but they'll get it.

This is a beautiful, heart-wrenching, incredible process to be a part of. It's such an honor to be a small group leader to nine girls whose hearts are in completely different places, who come from intensely different situations and families but still have beautiful characteristics or past happenings in common. Each one of "my girls", and every single other student on this base--male or female--is a profound statement of the love and passion that Jesus has for this earth. The fact that He's brought together 34 incredibly different personalities and somehow made them all click is a testimony of His greatness in itself. Each one of these beautiful children of the Most High are becoming more and more precious in my heart, and I can't wait to see where He will bring them. 

Jesus is good. His love is pouring over this school--over the staff and the students--in an alarming wave of healing and freedom. This is like walking over coals to some of us--to most of us. The students are heading into unknown territory; walking through their pasts and making a decision whether or not to live in freedom and let healing overtake them.

PRAYER REQUESTS

Please continue to pray that we would all be open to the Holy Spirit and His movement and direction. He's been leading us into battle against the enemy, and it's been a beautiful and difficult process. 

Please continue to pray for spiritual strength and unity for the staff members, that we would be completely open with each other and that God's grace, peace and courage would infiltrate every situation that we walk through with the students.

Please pray that the students would continue to embrace Jesus, to let Him hug them in return and take away their pain. They're unsure and frustrated, but it's been amazing so far. The enemy SO wants to take them down, and in a way it's working with some of them. 

But we as believers have a bigger power and the authority, so let's claim that! 

God has SO much healing and restoration in store for this school. He has been speaking integrity and character over them at every single turn, and I am praying that they begin to own that. 

Galatians 5:19-25

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;  idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

Thank you for your support--I appreciate every single one of you!

Worship Night/Fundraiser

September 2012 marks an incredible point in life for me as one of my passions will be fulfilled. I am traveling to Belize, Central America to staff at a YWAM (Youth With a Mission) school on an island called San Pedro. While staffing, I have the opportunity to mentor college-age students, lead small groups, teach, help lead team-building activities, and usher the Spirit of God into the lives of the broken, hurting, joyful and lovely children of our Father!

My goal is to share a taste of the passion and love that I have for the children of the Most High, and to help you gather a glimpse of how I will be able to impact and strengthen their lives in Christ, as well as growing in mine.

Please come support me in prayer, spirit, and funding as I share about my journeys to Belize and South Africa last year, as well as speak about where I will be going and exactly what I will be doing this year when I head back down to Central America. I would absolutely love to meet with you and share with you, as well as answer questions that you may have for me!

Join me as I share my life story with you, and speak about how incredible God's freedom and joy have been in my life! My heart is ready to open up, and I am so excited to bare myself and share my testimony with you in an intimate setting. My desire is for you to experience the passion that I have for Jesus and for His direction in my life.

Later in the evening, there will be a worship session, to which you are all invited! Feel free to come or go as you please during this time, but I encourage you to stay and enter into the presence of our Jesus as we devote this time back to Him and His glory!

Thank you so much for all of your support! I look forward to seeing you soon and being able to open up and share the deepest parts of my heart with you.

Date/time: August 10, 2012 at 7pm

Location:  Christian Life Center Church, 1832 Scott Rd. Freeland, WA 98249

If you have any questions, please call or text me at: 360-320-3112    
Or e-mail me at: friedchicken177@gmail.com

Spread the word. :)

Abandon Me

Dear Father,

Worship. Pure, unadulterated, passion-filled worship.

Jesus, I desire You. This weekend I was able to worship You in a way I rarely am able to worship. You gave me the privilege of coming together with three other talented musicians, under YOUR name, in YOUR presence. Father, thank You. Both Friday and Saturday nights we were able to worship You in song, in prayer. Jesus... I have no words. I can't describe my heart for You right now, because this weekend, you shattered it for You. I don't want me.


I don't want the way I do worship. I don't want the way I interact with others. I don't want my plans. 

You revealed to me this weekend Your plans for me. You revealed to me a piece of Your heart, and Father... that's what I want. 

I thirst for you. No, I yearn for you. And even more than that; I crave you. I ache for You, for Your voice, for Your breath on me. I covet Your presence and Your Spirit. I want you really, really bad Jesus. 

And so I abandon me. 

I lay down my fear of failure. I lay down my pride. I lay down my vanity. I lay down my hurt. I lay down my anger. God, I give to You my desire for a future relationship, for a marriage, for children. I give those to You, Father. Because right now, all I need is You. 

I give up my rights, Father. I give up every piece of my heart. I give my family to You. I give my friends to You. I give my church to You. I give my music; my voice and my guitar to You. I give you my desires. Every piece of my life, Father, reign over. Please be my Lord. I give you the throne.

I abandon me. I choose to pursue You.

I love you, Father. I love you. I love you.

Your Daughter,

Pure, Untainted, Joyous, WILD,

Emily Grace

I Had a Dream Once

Imagine a river, its silvery water writhing and collapsing around itself. It cascades along, careless. You can hear the power in that water. You can see the intensity, feel the noise of the waves bouncing off rapids. Stemming from the mountains, the water is frigid, breathtaking. It's purifying, refreshing, cleansing water. Even when you're standing hundreds of feet away, you can still hear the music of the water, screaming its melodies over rocks and branches and banks, rushing and falling and lapping against itself and the earth.

Somehow though, as you go about whatever you have on your agenda during the day, the fact that a river exists a short distance away slips your mind. Oh, the remembrance of it still exists in the back of your mind, you haven't actually forgotten, but it's no longer a conscious thought. You no longer revel in the throaty, beautiful sound it produces. The incredible sense of peace and passion it had previously evoked in your spirit has dimmed...

Sometimes you remember the river and your heart beats a little faster in anticipation of hearing it once again, seeing its power and hearing the glorious noise it creates.

Sometimes your concentration breaks a bit and the noise rushes over you again and you breathe a sigh, because it's a wonderful sound.

Sometimes you don't even notice that you're not noticing anymore.

Sometimes you forget altogether, and wander away, and never return.

Oh, that we would remember.

Can you imagine? Can you imagine living every day being able to hear the glorious, melodious sound echoing slightly in your spirit? And when you really want to experience it in its fullness, all you need to do is wander to the edges and take it in. Immerse yourself in it, even, if you need refreshment. It may seem painful or cold at first, but afterwards you won't regret it, because you feel renewed, awake and alive and alert. It's wonderful.

Imagine if Jesus was this river. Just think about it. And then, when you've thought about that for a bit, 

re-read this post. 

My desire is to live with the crash and murmur of His presence, of His voice, living in my spirit every moment of my life. I desire Him. 

What would it be like to feel Him every second of the day, whether awake or asleep? Can you imagine the beauty, the refreshing, gorgeous, incredible, awe-inspiring, breathtaking wonder that would be?

Can you imagine?

GOLLY! This is real life.

Let me just open this little post with a fabulous verse from one of my favorite books in the Bible:

"Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the Lord with all his might," -2 Samuel 6:14 (I encourage you to read the entire passage, though, because it both speaks of God's holy power, and it's hilarious. Just a side note.) I've had a ton of realizations and deep thoughts lately, and I just wanted to take a second and praise Jesus. So, join with me as I give all the glory to HIM!

I am stoked for life, because Jesus is in life, which means life is exquisite, and lovely, and no matter what happens, I can have JOY, and I have PURPOSE, and I can sing and dance and shout and look like a complete fool, and people can stare at me and make fun of me, and I don't have to worry because I am flawed, and I know it, and I know that I am exceptionally beautiful to my Daddy, Jesus, and He is all that matters to me right now, and is the One who lifts my head in EVERY circumstance, and He has SO much power and has given me SO much potential and love for people and for life, and a passion to see healing and restoration brought to our generation and to our world, and HE is the center of my passions and I look to HIM for direction, and He knows of every imperfection in me and still loves me, and I can do nothing to change that; I can dance unashamedly before my God and sing with all of my might (those are worth repeating, so much FREEDOM in these actions!), I am so thankful and in awe and completely blown away that I am my Beloved's, and He is mine!

Spinning.

Some days, my life takes a turn and suddenly, I'm staring down a road that I don't recognize. I'm left gazing down a dusty path that seems too harsh, or too uncomfortable, or too unfamiliar for me to travel down. And so I sit down, and I wait. For what? I'm not sure. Maybe I wait for a car to come along, so I can ride along the dusty path in comfort, letting the air conditioning and the radio carry me along. Maybe it's a truck that I'm waiting for, then I'll get to my destination faster, even if I am riding on a bumpy road in the back of a truck. I'll get a little dirty, but hey! I get to the end quicker.

As I sit at the beginning of my own little road, I wonder if I'm waiting for another path to reveal itself, to open up, to conjure itself into being. And, as I sit staring down this existing road, I wonder. What am I really doing here?

I spend so much time waiting and waiting, wondering where my life is going to go and how I'm going to get to my destination, what I'm going to eat or do on the way there... where I'm doing to live, work, and who I'm going to meet. I waste my time daydreaming about how my life will be, hoping something comes along that will sweep me up and carry me towards the end of whatever I'm trying to accomplish faster.... when really, the answer to my pondering is staring right at me. All I have to do is take a step forward.

This is what my life looked like six months ago. I was in Africa, working with a team of 12 other YWAM students and leaders, visiting orphanages and picking up trash on streets around our home. I was doing street ministry on a daily basis, praying over people, performing skits, singing songs, preaching, giving my testimony. I was going to drug rehab programs and hanging out with people whose lives were just as messed up as mine--albeit in a different way. I was experiencing freedom through holding African children, tickling them, chasing them, making faces at them, rubbing their little backs during church while they slept, draped across my lap. 

Now I am home. I sleep, eat, hang out with my family, and look for work. I go to church, I wonder what is next. 

This past Saturday night, I received some major revelations from God, words of life were spoke over me and my eyes were opened to things that I had never before considered. And I had one incredible realization: 

I have given up on freedom. 

Wait, what? Ninety percent of my blog posts are about freedom, how could I have given up on it? I have been experiencing freedom to a degree since I have been home, but really... I have given up on it's true and pure form. Arriving home, I slowly let myself forget what it was like to wake up in the morning and give the day to God, and then really listen to Him throughout the day for direction. I forgot what it was like to drink water from the tap and open my fridge and have food in it, and stop and take a moment to thank Him for what I have when I know others have so little. I forgot what it was like to truly worship Him, with every aspect of my life, rather than just when I hear a good song that convicts me or moves me in my spirit. I forgot what He was like.

What am I really doing here? This is the question I have been asking myself for the past few days. Am I really, truly seeking my Father's face? Am I really, honestly wanting to grow closer? I think about spending time with Him a lot, but am I really willing to go there? 

And I find myself nodding. I thirst for Him more now that I ever have before, and I think that's because I know what He is like. I know His presence, and I know that I have been running from it. And so here I am. Wrecked, and vulnerable, and wanting Him so badly that I ache, because His presence and direction is so worth it to me. I am willing to go there, willing to bare myself to Him, willing to come out of hiding, because really... He is the only One who can bring me everything I need. Including true freedom.

"My dove in the clefts of the rock,

    in the hiding places on the mountainside,

show me your face,

    let me hear your voice;

for your voice is sweet,

    and your face is lovely."

Song of Songs 2:14 

Here I am.

Right now, my heart is raw. Sometimes my awe for my God seems like it will take over me. It almost feels like I'm drowning in the intensity of it, in the ecstasy that His presence in my life evokes. I was home alone on Tuesday morning and I plugged my iPod into our sound system in my living room and was blasting worship music, and I could feel Him so strongly... I spent most of the time on my knees, arms limp at my sides, tears on my cheeks, because really, I can't comprehend Him. I can't even begin to grasp how much He loves me. I can't begin to fathom the pure, unbridled, unashamed, unadulterated LOVE that He pours on me. Seriously. He loves me. ME. Silly, clumsy, goofy, uncoordinated, ridiculous, messy, unintentionally-rude-half-the-time me. 

Tonight, this is what is blowing my mind. Tonight, YOU blow my mind, God. Thank You Jesus for never giving up on me. Thank You that in all Your fullness, You make me whole. You take away my emptiness and You re-create me. Thank You, Jesus. Thank You for Your undying passion for me. Thank You that Your nature, Your Character, they are unchanging. Just thank you.

And... to wrap this up, a beautiful song, with one of my best friends singing; Joanie Banville. Thanks Jesus, for Jo and her pure love for You. :)

And so the Fear Stops.

I have officially become undone.

Last night I was Skyping with a friend, and after our conversation had progressed a bit, she asked me how I was doing. Not the normal, "How are you?" but the deep, probing, "How ARE you? Really? What's going on in your heart?". 

When people ask me that question, I usually want to skip right by it, ignore the fact that I am hurting, that my relationship with people and with Jesus isn't where it should be. I don't want to lay myself out for them to see, I don't want to admit that I'm messing up a little--or a lot. But as I began to open up and let my dear friend know how I was doing--really-- I found that I had thoughts and realizations and feelings pent up that I didn't know about. Fancy that.

We began to discuss our relationships with Jesus at present, and as our hearts poured out to each other, I began to cry. My relationship with my Father in heaven hasn't been what it should be, I've been tossing up prayers and barely acknowledging Him as I go throughout my day, hoping He'll cater to my wishes. How jacked up is that? My perspective has been jaunted at a seriously dangerous angle. As my friend (Charis) and I continued our conversation, we encouraged each other and discussed the differences between mistakes and sin, and how we often write sin off as a mistake, rather than taking responsibility and admitting we have done wrong. Guess what? I do that all the time! I have been doing it with my relationship with God, and last night I had some serious convictions about it. 

Charis and I have a beautiful sister relationship, and as we expressed our desires for a deeper and more meaningful relationship with Christ, something amazing emerged. My heart has been wrapped up in apathy and self-centeredness, and I have been unwilling to acknowledge that. I have been unwilling to admit that I am "slipping back" or falling into the sins that I used to practice daily. But as we were talking, I stepped up to admit that I have been failing at actively pursuing God, which, ironically, is the only thing I truly desire. 

In Romans 7:14-20, Paul has it nailed. I want to glorify God with everything that I do, but instead, I do what I hate and go in the complete opposite direction. And then I try to justify it by blaming it on the atmosphere around or how busy I am. Goodness, this whole sin thing sucks. But the beauty of it all is that there is Grace. I had an amazing epiphany last night.

Charis and I were talking about grace, and she mentioned that in Greek, her name means 'Grace', and my middle name is Grace, and our friend Hannah's name means Grace of God. While we were discussing how cool it is that we all have similar names, my mind got hit by a freight train, and was blown away. 

Okay, so my middle name is Grace. I have always joked about it, because I am anything but graceful. I'm clumsy. I mess up a lot. I trip and fall over all the time. So my name is a joke, right? No. Not anymore.

I am not named Grace because it describes my abilities or the way I walk or talk or my character. I am named Grace because I was given grace by the only One who is worthy to give it. My flesh fails Him day in and day out, and no matter what I do in my own strength, I will always fail, because I am weak. BUT. 

HE GAVE ME GRACE. He gives me grace. He will continue to shower me with grace.

Ho-ly crap. I thought about this and my mouth seriously dropped open and I sat staring into space sputtering like a little kid who hasn't gotten his candy on Halloween. Really, my mind was blown. I don't need to describe the word Grace. I am not Grace. HE is Grace. And He loves me enough to give me His grace, every day. And just to remind me, just to assure me that He will never fail me, He tells my parents to name me after Him. Sometimes I want to knock on His door and be like, "Um, excuse me? You named me wrong. I'm not very full of Grace. I get impatient. I want to hurt people sometimes. It's not fitting for me... change it?" and I imagine Him smiling and taking me into His arms and saying something like, "Baby Girl... It's not your grace I wanted to give you. It's mine. So take it, it's free, it's yours, it is always there. Draw strength from Me, and you won't have to worry about failing, because I've got your back. Always. I've got you, darlin'." And again: HOLY crap. Mind blown. He wants to give me Grace--He has given me Grace-- and He wants me to draw my power from Him always.

So. My perspective has once again shifted, this time towards Him, and I wanted to share this with you because He completely reconstructed my way of thinking last night. I am stepping into this Grace with everything that I have, because it was made for me and it was tailored to fit me perfectly. I am honored to take this Name that He has given me and ride out on His power.

This is who I am now. This is what I was made for. I worship You, Jesus.

Love. Passion. Explosion. Voice.

Sometimes it seems like there's not much reason to sing. It's raining outside, and it's cold, and my heart is feeling more uncertain by the minute... God doesn't seem to be answering, or He doesn't even seem to be there. Nothing is working out the way I expected. I lost my job. It's hard to play guitar when my fingers are no longer used to the strings. I have no drive to do anything, I have no motivation... why sing?

And then I remember.

I remember that I just ate rice with chicken curry over it. I remember that my stomach is satisfied, and my lips are sipping from a warm cup of tea. I remember that I am in a house, full of things that I am free to use: a shower, a toilet, a sink, a dishwasher, a refrigerator, a bed, a mirror, a computer, shoes. I have access to everything I need. I remember that I don't need to stand out in that cold rain and become drenched by its chill as I beg for food or steal money from the pockets of passers-by, in hopes to get a little nourishment before night falls once again. I remember that my home is full of people who love me. I don't need to go searching for acceptance, because I'm secure. I remember that I have a God who has promised to fight for me, always. I remember that I am not alone.

Some days it's difficult to remember. Some days, it's hard to remember that I know who I am, and I know that I have a purpose. 

And then days like today come around. Days where I wake up, look out the window at the rain, and can't help but burst into laughter. Who would have ever thought that water would be able to fall from the sky? It's intriguing, really. Today I remember why I have a reason to sing. I remember what God's presence feels like, and I know that if I seek Him, I will find Him. I know that He will never leave me alone. 

Today reminds me why I can sing. Today reminds me that I am free. I was talking with a friend on Monday  about fear. Confession: I used to be deathly afraid of the dark. I slept with a light on in my room, because if something was going to kill me (and I was positive that something was going to), I wanted to be able to see it first. Then at least I had a fighting chance. But while we were talking about fear, I realized that my fears have been set to rest. My fears have fled, because I have grasped onto something bigger, something stronger than fear. I have grasped onto JOY. I have held onto the promise that God gave me in Deuteronomy 33:26-28. I have grabbed onto His hand and trusted Him with my life, with my future, no matter what the cost.

I can sing today, I can sing forever, because He has taken me from fear, He has taken me from uncertainty and insecurity into a freedom that will last forever. FOREVER. His presence and life is something that I cannot be robbed of, and I don't have to run away from fear anymore. Now I can face it, now I can sing directly into it's wailing winds and remember that as long as I cling to my Father, as long as I cling to His promise, to His light... there will always be a reason to sing.

So tell me why I should run for cover

At the sound of the coming thunder

All I hear is the cry of my Lover

Yeah take your shot

I won't turn back.

(lyrics from Won't Turn Back, by Need To Breathe)