Musings.

"The best equipping is living

in My presence,

My hand that never lets go of yours. 

Discuss everything with Me... Remember that 

I am on your side, and that I have overcome the world."

Often I live as if I'm on the losing side of the battle. I find myself focusing on my insecurities and I allow the little nagging thoughts of doubt take root and idly observe as they begin to bloom. 

I've been reading through John; a chronicled account of Jesus' coming and going, of His passionate and radical and beautifully messy lifestyle. I find hope in that, because I can identify with the messy. I identify with the characters that encounter Him; with the woman at the well in chapter 4 who is caught up in something that she tries to hide and He calls her out in love, drawing her in to drink of His wellspring, calling her into true life. 

I identify with the blind man in chapter 9 who, without question, did exactly as Jesus instructed and was able to see for the first time, tasting the freedom of His gift fully.

And while I find a common ground with many of these ancient characters, I take heart in the fact that my God is indeed the Father of all, that He is Mighty, Strong, a Wonderful Counselor and a God of unabashed Love. And I find that, rather than taking up the mindset of the defeated, He has given me the Spirit, and  "He who believes in Me [Jesus], as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water". (John 7:38) 

We constantly live in a place of war within ourselves; trying to decide whether to follow our hearts or follow that which we know to be true. We borrow advice from the deep places in our hearts and believe them to be absolute truth without testing them first, however, Jeremiah 17:9 challenges that very concept;

The heart is deceitful above all things,

and desperately sick,

who can understand it?

You know what strikes me? Not even the fact that my heart is deceitful above ALL things, but that it is desperately sick. My heart. My heart, which has been seeking and craving and running after God for years. My heart, which I want with every part of me to believe is good and whole and pure. But even in saying that, I know that my assumptions are incorrect. 

I am flawed; I am desperately sick; and I am grateful for this.

Because that gives me a chance to be like the blind man; to be in a place of humility and raw desperation where my Jesus can place His hands over me and instruct me towards healing. Because He promises that in my belief of Him, He will equip me with the Holy Spirit, which will flow from me like a river of water, quenching the dark and spreading light within. Because my flaws are the very things He is going to heal when I enter into His kingdom for the rest of eternity. Because when I am passing through His gates into His glorious, unleashed presence, I will experience Him like never before.

I know that in Him I am on the winning side. That I don't have to strive to fight the battle in my own strength, but that He is next to me grinning, effortlessly holding up His defense against the enemy and urging me to do the same, drawing from His unending strength. 

He is my Champion. He has overcome.

Consider a Jealous God

My heart cries out for more today. It screams for something deeper; something more vivid and alive. Something that I can grasp onto and hold, take it in as if it's my very own breath that I'm embracing. Something--no, Someone--that will hold me and keep me and birth in me a wild and abundant and lovely passion and burning for life.

I have been home in Washington for five weeks now. I left YWAM Destination Paradise in Belize five weeks ago with a heavy and faltering heart. I left with an angry and despairing and hurting spirit. I left with a sense of bitterness and frustration; towards others, but mostly focused towards myself.

I was reading in Hebrews 12 a few days ago and verse 3 kept playing over and over in my mind.

"For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, 

lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls."

When I left DP, I was weary, discouraged. I hadn't been considering God and His passions and heart for me, and I fell into a state of thinking that was so inwardly focused that I couldn't see what He was speaking over me. Since being home, I have found that peace again. I have found the rest in Him that I have so desperately been craving, discovered once more the excitement and intimacy with my Father. He has been speaking into me life and color, breathing into my weary soul and reviving the joy within that is so natural for me. My heart is still in a process of healing, of finding a place where I can communicate healthily with those whom I have hurt and who have hurt me, but within this process I am learning to focus on God's peace and humble myself before Him daily, hourly, in every moment, because according to Deuteronomy 4:24;

"...the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God."

and

"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken,
let us be thankful, and so worship God with reverence and awe,
for our God is a consuming fire." (Hebrews 12:28-29)

My God is a jealous God. He is a God thirsty for my love, hungering to get to know me better and craving my company. Who am I to deny Him His glory? It was foolish of me to step into sin and convince myself that He wasn't watching, that I could repent later. It would be foolish for me to run from that. Instead, I'm walking into His presence with a sense of utter peace and joy, because His grace and His love is bigger and more passionate than I could ever imagine. He is reining me in and teaching and growing and stretching me, and as this happens His restoration and His will for me encompasses me and burns in my heart; calling me and prodding me ever towards His feet, towards the throne, towards His beauty.

Forfeit.

You know what the greatest tragedy in life is? It's someone whose god gets smaller and smaller with each passing day.

Maybe it's time to stop placing four-dimensional limits on God. Maybe it's time to stop putting God in a box the size of your cerebral cortex. Maybe it's time to stop creating God in your image and let Him create you in His.

The more we grow, the bigger God should get. And the bigger God gets, the smaller our lions will become.

- Mark Batterson

I'm currently reading a book called 'In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day', written by Mark Batterson. It uses the story of Benaiah, from 2 Samuel 23. All we know about Benaiah is this:

Benaiah son of Jehoiada, a valiant fighter from Kabzeel, performed great exploits. He struck down Moab’s two mightiest warriors. He also went down into a pit on a snowy day and killed a lion. And he struck down a huge Egyptian. Although the Egyptian had a spear in his hand, Benaiah went against him with a club. He snatched the spear from the Egyptian’s hand and killed him with his own spear. (2 Sam. 23:20-21)

This book focuses on the fact that Benaiah followed a lion into a snowy pit... and killed it. Generally, one would never follow a lion down into a dark, snowy, cold pit with the sole purpose of killing it. Snow inhibits us as humans, it makes us cold and stiff. It's hard to maneuver in. And in the dark of a pit, it's even more slippery than usual because it's potentially crystallized into ice. Lions have superior vision to humans in the darkness; their eyes let in more light than ours, and they can see in the dark. They have four huge, sure paws and a thick fur coat to protect themselves from the cold. Clearly, the lion had the advantage.

Yet Benaiah wasn't fearful enough to run away from it; rather, he pursued this lion into it's own territory and killed it.

This is a wonderful analogy for my own personal fears. As I'm reading this book, I've been mulling over the fact that I have so many more fears underneath my surface than I imagined. I was sitting on the end of the dock last night, staring out at the deep black hovering over the sea, and I was intimately aware of the fact that I had fear welling up inside of me. I spent a good amount of time trying to decipher what the fear was from and I realized that, just as this book states, I've been putting my God into a four-dimensional box. I've been containing Him within the realms of my mind because that's what I understand. I can't understand or fathom the greatness of Him when He is outside of the confines that I've placed Him in.

This past week has been one of many such realizations, and I am actively taking a stand against the fear that so easily entangles me. I'm coming against the fear that my Father cannot protect me. I give up the control that I so desperately want to have, because I trust myself... and I choose to trust Him instead. I break the fear of failure, the fear of being hurt. I claim the freedom that has always been here, has always been placed in front of me, and I choose to dance in His wild and beautiful and fierce and loving presence with an expectancy of more life, of more depth.

I had a vision of myself dancing and twirling on top of the ocean, clothed in garments of silver, my hair flowing behind me, streaked with purple and gold, my eyes burning with an intense joy. A single crystalline tear traveled down my face, and I grinned. That was it. No explanation came for a few moments, and then I started to pray it out, and it made so much sense. I want to dance in the royalty and the raw, wild joy that He has given me. I will let myself be vulnerable, let my emotions show like that single tear on my cheek, clear and shining and real. I will let myself do the impossible; dancing on water and laughing in the face of the fear that says that I can't.

I will not forfeit my dreams for fear of the unknown. My dreams hold a weight of enormity; they speak of passion and they cry out for adventure. I will not quench or silence these dreams and ambitions because of the fear of inadequacy. I will tame my fear. I will walk in His freedom. And I will kill the lions within, because in Him, I can slaughter beasts and love the unlovable in the same breath.

My God will not be placed in a box.

I Have a Voice

There are nights when I sit on the dock and look out into the deep black that is the ocean in front of me, wondering why in the world I have been called to be here. I lean against the pole of the palapa roof that is hovering over my head, breathing the salt-and-wind laced air that is my constant companion.

I don't feel inadequate here; I can honestly say that that isn't what makes me question. I love what I do, I love the leadership role that I am in. I love being immersed in a culture that revolves around the Father from whom we all came. I wouldn't do any of this differently. Maybe 'why' isn't necessarily the correct question; rather, how? How am I equipped to continue to live here? How am I going to fulfill the calling that I know has been placed on my life? I have been called to inspire; to reach the college-age generation and to speak life and meaning and purpose over them. To call the youth of this world up into leadership, into a life-bringing people whose energy spills from them, engulfing those around and reaching to the depths of the souls that are hurting and crying out for freedom. I am called to protect and feed the weak, to encourage and challenge and push the strong, to call out the apathetic and to love on the hurting.

I am called to use my voice.

I had the incredible opportunity to teach one day of lectures here at YWAM Destination Paradise. I had 3 hours on January 17th to teach our students about leaving a legacy of integrity. However, you can't leave a legacy without knowing first who you are, without being secure in your identity. I taught on how to find your identity in Christ, about how to leave the baggage that we so easily and so harshly pack for ourselves and carry with us throughout our lives; those things that we are ashamed of and worried about and the things that we feel make us "dirty" or "unlovable" or "slutty" or a "jackass". Those things that we haul around that label us "unworthy", "abusive", "selfish", "stupid". These are things we are called to drop; to abandon and to leave behind us as we step into a new identity: an identity reflecting Isaiah 62.

I spent three hours speaking life into these students, praying over them and seeking God for truths and freedom to speak into their lives. I knew as soon as I stepped up in front of the students that this was where I wanted to be; in front of young adults, speaking life and love and freedom and healing over them. I am called to fulfill Isaiah 61; calling healing into people's lives and freeing the captives from their hurt and the chains that have so easily entangled them in the past.

Teaching is something that I know will be a part of my future with YWAM, whether it's just here at DP, or I might decide to develop my own teaching week. We'll see what God has for me. So far, this school has been wonderful; it's been challenging in it's own way, but I can see God moving so freely and so beautifully in the lives of everyone on base here; staff and students alike.

This past week has been particularly challenging for me; I'm learning to walk further in the truths that God's speaking over me and am finding areas that still need healing from my past. It's a journey, and it always will be, but it is so worth it to walk this out in a community of people that I know are fighting for me, with a God who I know has my back. He is continuing to blow my mind and is ever shaping me into a beautiful creature in Him.

I'm walking forth into further freedom, leaving behind the lies and the areas that I have been caught up in, claiming His life and love over myself.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set you free; stand fast, therefore, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." -Galatians 5:1

Not Just Another Journey

"You don't become a new person by changing your behavior. You discover the person that you already are in Christ and you start to behave accordingly because the Holy Spirit is with you. He makes moves on you. Uncommon love is present and active for your good." -Graham Cooke

I've been listening to a lot of Graham Cooke recently, diving into his 'Uncommon Love' series. A part of his message is about baggage, about the things that we've carried into our present-future from our past. 

We're four days into this January 2013 DTS here at DP, and it's going wonderfully. Right now the students are taking advantage of their first free day so far by heading into town, snorkeling, kayaking and playing volleyball. It's fantastic to have so many people around again. 

There's already been some insane freedom happening here; the students shared their testimonies last night and some of them bared their hearts like they've never bared them before. It's beautiful to see so many young people laying their hearts out and trusting that they will be safe; sharing their lives and letting their walls come down, their vulnerable sides be visible for a split second. 

My heart is already wrenching for them; some have come from some incredibly hard situations and I feel so privileged to have heard their stories and have them give permission for me to speak into their lives. Connections are being made between us as staff and them as students, and I feel more and more the need to be 100% real with them in everything I say and do. This isn't a group to trifle with. None of them ever are, but I already feel the strong pull of leadership in their lives and I feel like I've been given an ability to tap into their hearts and see what God wants to say specifically to each one of them.

His faithfulness has already been showing up to these 25 amazing college-aged men and women, and I am so excited to see how they respond and grow as He continues to break down the walls they've built up inside and pour into them until they have that moment where they get it. That moment where they absolutely get His love and get His touch and feel what He has for them. I can't wait for the dawn to break in their lives. So many of them have been found wanting, have been lacking something and have been searching for it for such a long time. My heart is pulled towards them with a love that can only come from the Father; a love and a passion to see them succeed, and to see them explode into a passionate, worshipful, strong and healthy school. 

These students have it. They have so much potential that it blows me away to even think about it. Their strong character and the depth of their hearts and personalities is breath-taking. I'm already so proud of them all, and we've just barely wrapped up orientation week! They have a hunger and a heartbeat and thirst for God that I haven't seen before; an almost dire desperation to find Him, to be close to Him, to find that purpose and that strength and that security and that love that only He can provide. 

This is always a journey, and I am so thankful for that. The ability to build and work and live together in relationship and community with one another is always an adventure. Having 25 more people move into our home here is wonderful, and I can't even begin to describe the excitement I feel when I think about how far these students will have come at the end of the school. I feel such fierce loyalty to fight for them, to urge them every step of the way towards Jesus, to love them with everything He gives me. They are so worth this. 

The baggage is about to be non-existent. Freedom is coming so swiftly that I can't even begin to follow it. Like I said; it's a process, but it's about to get real, and intense, and wonderful. God is so good!

Climb.

I admit, I've been procrastinating. I've been locking myself away and reading, and watching movies, and not writing. I've been preoccupied with moving through the days until the next school starts, rationalizing that once those days hit, I'll be doing something worthwhile. Guess what?

Today is worthwhile.

Today is worth living.

And I forgot that.

I forgot that I am here for a purpose; and every single day that I don't chase after that purpose, I'm wasting time. My purpose here is to know Jesus and to proclaim Him and His love and His majesty and wonder over everything I come in contact with. So, today I decided to do things differently. I spent the entire morning with Jesus. Not making up for lost time, because I can't get that time back, but making a conscious effort to restore my relationship with Him. I've been on a bit of a roller coaster since being in Belize; during the last school I was actively pursuing God, wandering in His wake. It was amazing, until I let my guard down. And then I started to become apathetic about it, and I didn't wake up for Him in the morning. I woke up for me...I woke up so I could walk through another day. I let things like homesickness and doubt distract me from His ever-waving arms. I let Him become something that was comfortable and worn, something that I put on when I want to feel warm and cozy, much like my old sweatpants.

I was reading this morning, and the book I was reading was talking about the God of Ezekiel. Have you ever read the book of Ezekiel? It's all about a jealous God. A God who doesn't stand up and let people get away with wickedness. It is about a fierce, warrior God who loves His people so much, He won't watch them go to ruin. He will let them take the consequences for their actions, though.

Want to know what crossed my mind this morning? God's not a pair of old, worn out sweatpants. God is a God of love, terrible and passionate love that will stop at no bounds. He is a God of fire and water, a God of justice and of mercy. A gentle God. An intense God. A lover God. A wild, and powerful, and relentless God. A holy God.

And I completely lost sight of that. Needless to say, I was humbled by this revelation, and I sat with Him talking and reading more about His incredible nature, listening to Him as He poured His devotion over me.

It's been hard for me recently. I'm a part of a school that disciples young people to go into life and become leaders in faith, leaders in ministry, leaders in integrity. We are now moving into a time where we will have 4 schools per year, and I have the wonderful privilege of staffing here. That means that I am a girls small group leader--I mentor and counsel and pray over and live for my girls as they are here. Last school, there were 9 girls in my group, and I was absolutely in rapture with the love that God gave me for them. I got to sit with them and hear their stories; stories of pain, of humiliation, of self-hurt and of abuse. I got to counsel them, to walk with them through memories and feelings and their own tortured thoughts, speaking God's light and life into them as we went.

I had the chance to chase after them as they bolted to the end of the dock and fell onto their knees, sobbing in the sheer pain of their circumstances. I had the freedom to pull them into my arms and hold them, tears slipping down my own face as I prayed for words, and if none came, I sat with them in silence, letting them cry it out as I held them, as Jesus held both of us in His presence.

And when those young women sat before me at the end of the school and I spoke to them about how they had impacted me, about how I had seen the change in them as they grew closer to God, I was so proud, so privileged to see them grin, their eyes glowing as they walked away with their heads held high in trust of the Father, in trust of His plan for them, in a new mindset of self-esteem and love.

I played a piece in a wild, incredible transformation. My girls left this space with a new breath in their lungs. They are changed for the better, and not by my doing. I was just a tool in this, and it's not over. They will continue to grow and flourish as they go on in life. 

This is what I do here, this is why I am here. To serve this awe-inspiring, trustworthy, fierce, loyal, loving, passionate, wonderful, crazy God. And He is constantly calling out His plea for us to join Him... today, I will.  And tomorrow, I will. And the next day, I will choose this.

Because He is worthy of this.

Take Flight. Breathe In. Crush Fear.

I'm really good at running.

I'm exceptional at sprinting, actually. Away from hurt. Away from potential heartache. Away from frustration and away from misfortune. I flee from pain and I search for bliss. Not joy, mind you, but bliss; the encasing, short-lived, euphoric state of mind where no hurt can find you... and generally, I'm apt to find an avenue into that place of rapture. But then that feeling of ecstasy evaporates, and I'm left to abscond again, growing farther and farther away from myself as I try to escape the bitter reality that life sometimes is.

This week, I wanted to run. At some points, everything inside of me was screaming at me to take flight--to turn to the beach, to let my legs pump and my breath flow and the adrenaline carry me to a place of bliss. My mind wanted to shut down, to stop caring about what was happening around me, to enter that place inside of me that is pure imagination, where I can construct and breathe life into something around me that seems safe. But in all reality, I can't do that. I can't leave.

That's something I've learned working here; I can't run. I can't just pick up and check out of what's happening at the moment. For one, what is happening here--however intense, however chaotic--it's happening under Jesus' name. He encompasses every move here, whether it brings glory to Him or not. He can't help it, His presence just automatically permeates everything. All that is going on isn't necessarily from Him, but He is always encasing every situation, and that which is evil and disgusting is shown for what it really is in a heartbeat. The deception game doesn't work too well here. But then, I'm getting ahead of myself.

This week has been draining. Every day has been a constant battle for truth and healing. It's been amazingly breathtaking. He has been amazingly breathtaking. He has propelled us as staff members forward through a web of deceit and hurt and given us ears and eyes to hear and see the truth as lies unfold before us. He has given us strength to wake up every morning, ready for a new day. And He has taught me that it's okay to face pain head-on. Granted, it's not my pain that I'm facing, but He has still given me a will to fight for His children, a passion to see freedom break through the hurt and the confusion that so easily entangles. This past week has been full of a pain and a confusion that I've never had to face before. I've never dealt with the circumstances that we're in at the moment. I've never walked through some of these things with people. In essence--I have no idea what I'm doing, or how I'm going to do this.

But then...that's the beauty of it, isn't it? Because when I end...that's where Jesus really begins to work. Where the Father floods His grace on me and those around. When the Spirit is allowed to completely flow through me and wreck my heart for Him, and make me thirst for more of Him in my depravity. And so I stop running. I slow down... I take a deep breath. The adrenaline drains and I begin to feel the exhaustion steal in. My heart rate slows and my eyes grow heavy, my limbs almost too weary to propel myself along...and suddenly, the hair on my arms stands up. 

I feel a burst of energy come from thin air, crashing into me and taking my breath away, even as it gives me the strength to keep gasping for the oxygen my body so eagerly craves. My muscles start to strengthen, seemingly of their own accord. I suddenly have the will to fight, the will to keep walking in the direction I was headed in the first place--away from bliss, into this messy, painful, hard, beautiful, crushing lifestyle called missions, where some days you don't get to rest, some nights you're pulled from your sleep and you can feel the enemy crushing down on you, you can see dark shadows in the room trying to oppress you, and all you can do is pray and pray in earnest faith, knowing that these dark beings have no power over you if you can just open your mouth to speak His name... where sometimes you're jerked from your dreams by a knock on the door, and suddenly you're throwing on clothing to rush into some unknown emotional or mental territory with one of the students.

But in those moments I realize that this is really what I love. I wouldn't change this. Even when I'm waking up to a knock on my door at 1am. Even when I'm sitting on the end of the dock crying in anguish for the hurting souls gathered on this base. I wouldn't change any of the pain, or the hurt, because along with it comes great growth, and great joy, and an even greater sense of His presence and Spirit. Because even though, yes, this is hard...I know that it is fully worth it. Every second of it. All the tears, all the laughter, all the silly moments I have with those around, all the sad hugs shared, all the smiles and wry looks given and sarcasm and dancing and singing and twirling together.

I suppose the appropriate thing to say is that I have previously been fantastic at running away. But Jesus is teaching me to saunter, to savor the moment--whether filled with sorrow or joy--and to take it one step at a time, letting all the hard moments be erased with every laugh, with every smile that shows itself.

And so I stop sprinting. I slow down...I take a deep breath. And I let His touch sear like a million wildfires inside of my soul.

Walking Over Fire

Three weeks have passed since this school started, and each day has been packed full of activity. 

Week three is coming to a close, and the students are blowing my mind.

This past week Lynn Toney has been teaching. Her week was all about gaining freedom through forgiveness, acknowledging your patterns of sin, and processing everything that's happened to you in your past to shape who you are today. Every day this week has been intense; Lynn has been cracking down on the students and pouring God's love and passion over them--challenging them every step of the way to face their pasts, acknowledge their present behavior and thought process, and to gain freedom for their future.

I am so proud of every single student here. They've been slowly moving forward, taking ownership of their character and deciding whether or not to live out their lives in integrity. We've been constantly praying and doing spiritual battle with them over their relationships with God and their roles here on earth. Some of these students are challenging--there are always a few--but it's been incredibly encouraging and beautiful to see every single person opening up a bit more to the prospect that they have a significant dent on this earth, and that God has so much more for them than living in the places that they're at; full of hurt, anger, apathy. 

It's a beautiful thing when you start to see 34 students have light-bulb moments, moments where they start to get that they're not as put together as they think, and that they want God so much more than the worlds influences. They're learning that their pasts dictate how they see God, that they need to get past that point where they think He brought everything upon them, but that He did in fact walk through every moment with them.

This week has been powerful, we've seen some students start to break apart the walls around their hearts and embrace the love and freedom that God is pouring into them. Some of them don't realize it's a process quite yet and it won't happen in one moment, but they'll get it.

This is a beautiful, heart-wrenching, incredible process to be a part of. It's such an honor to be a small group leader to nine girls whose hearts are in completely different places, who come from intensely different situations and families but still have beautiful characteristics or past happenings in common. Each one of "my girls", and every single other student on this base--male or female--is a profound statement of the love and passion that Jesus has for this earth. The fact that He's brought together 34 incredibly different personalities and somehow made them all click is a testimony of His greatness in itself. Each one of these beautiful children of the Most High are becoming more and more precious in my heart, and I can't wait to see where He will bring them. 

Jesus is good. His love is pouring over this school--over the staff and the students--in an alarming wave of healing and freedom. This is like walking over coals to some of us--to most of us. The students are heading into unknown territory; walking through their pasts and making a decision whether or not to live in freedom and let healing overtake them.

PRAYER REQUESTS

Please continue to pray that we would all be open to the Holy Spirit and His movement and direction. He's been leading us into battle against the enemy, and it's been a beautiful and difficult process. 

Please continue to pray for spiritual strength and unity for the staff members, that we would be completely open with each other and that God's grace, peace and courage would infiltrate every situation that we walk through with the students.

Please pray that the students would continue to embrace Jesus, to let Him hug them in return and take away their pain. They're unsure and frustrated, but it's been amazing so far. The enemy SO wants to take them down, and in a way it's working with some of them. 

But we as believers have a bigger power and the authority, so let's claim that! 

God has SO much healing and restoration in store for this school. He has been speaking integrity and character over them at every single turn, and I am praying that they begin to own that. 

Galatians 5:19-25

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;  idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

Thank you for your support--I appreciate every single one of you!

This Is Real.

I want to love through--and with--everything inside of me. I want my love to do. I want my love to serve.

These past two weeks have been eye-opening. I've spent every day learning and rediscovering just what this time is going to be about, for myself as well as the current students.

As DTS staff we sit in on lectures with the students, and this week has been powerful. John Gotz, the speaker this week, is from Punta Gorda, Belize, and speaks on Warrior-ship and the Warrior mentality that we are called to have. Every day here on Earth is a battle. Every day I need to actively fight against the lies that are barraging me on every side... this is something that I realized last year during my own DTS, but it just intensified. Now I am not only fighting for my own faith and my own relationship with Jesus, but also for the lives and mentalities and attitudes and relationships of 34 students. Spiritual warfare isn't just for me. It's for everyone around, every single person within my scope of influence. I have been called to action, called to fight for these students in whatever way needed.

Fighting takes character. Galatians 5 has been an incredibly empowering chapter for me, inspiring me to take on the attributes of the Father, to emulate Him and to imitate Him in every single movement. I have been called to take on His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control. I have been called to cast away all deception, selfishness, anger, frustration, jealousy.

It is for freedom that Christ has set me free, therefore I will cast aside all chains that have hindered me and will step into this freedom in purity, never looking back. I am called to live a life on integrity and of character.

A week before the students arrived, we had staff training week. During this week we learned about small groups, how to deal with different situations, and how to effectively release control to the Spirit every moment of the day. We were challenged to meditate on Galatians 5:22-23, to seek God about how to really, effectively live out His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control.

How do I reflect God and His character of integrity every moment, with everything in me? How can I get to that place where my littlest actions reflect Him, and not just my big decisions? I want to get to the point where every movement and every breath I take screams His name, His character. Is this obtainable? I believe so. It takes practice, it takes determination, it takes integrity to choose every single day to make a point to think like Him and act like Him. By pressing into Him, putting Him into the center of my life way more than I ever have before.

This is a journey. Working with students, living in community, choosing every day to live for the rest of the staff, to live for the students instead of myself, that's hard. But it's getting easier every single day. I am here to honor my Father, and I am so privileged to be in His presence and work with His children every day.

This is my heart right now, my cry. I need to thank all of you for making this a possibility. I can't explain how crucial my time is here, and how incredible the team here is. God has hand-picked each of us for this moment, and every day I'm reminded of His sovereignty and His power and love. So thank you, you are such an amazing support system, and I am so thankful to be here, so honored to be here and to be able to speak into the lives of these students.

I'll write again later this week, including more of what's going on here and how God has been moving in the physical as well as the spiritual around base. God is so good.

One-Way Ticket. Jesus is Gooooood.

I am three or four days from leaving this wonderful Island of Whidbey to head to another island that holds a precious warmth in my heart: the island of San Pedro, Belize. My heart constricts when I think of leaving my family behind indefinitely, of parting ways with my friends and those who I have grown up with. But the excitement and anticipation is even greater than the sadness.

I shared my testimony one week ago at my church, baring my heart to the community and inviting my audience to join me in worship with our Jesus after my story was told. My life has been one of pain and confusion, but Jesus has been faithful, and has never stopped loving on me. His breath has sweetened over me this past year; His presence has become more tangible, His voice more audible. 

One of my sisters was praying over me yesterday and as she was praying, one of the phrases she spoke to our Daddy caught me off guard, took my breath away.

"Daddy, thank You that our past is not just in the past, but that You are continuing to use it right now, and You will continue to use it in the future." That's not word-for-word, but that's the basic gist of what she said.

Jesus continues to use my past, my faults, my flaws, to bring Himself glory, and to heal this land. He's giving me the opportunity to take these experiences and to spread His love and His life in Belize. He's calling me to speak His good word over the hurting, the poor, the captive, the broken, the speechless, the weary, the angry, the rich and the powerful. He's taking me near to His heart and He is inviting me into His presence.

I have the wonderful opportunity to be on staff at YWAM Destination Paradise in Belize this next September. I'll be a small group leader to 9 girls. I will have the opportunity to speak Jesus' love into their lives, to listen to them, to be there for them, to love on them. I will have the privilege of teaching, of helping with team-building activities. But best of all, I will be doing what Jesus is calling me to do.

I'm headed to Belize in about three or four days. I'm buying a one-way ticket. I don't have the money for my plane ticket yet. But I believe. I believe He will provide, even if it's in the last moment. I've put a ticket on hold with American Airlines. It will only hold for 24 hours.

It costs $481.68.

Jesus has $481.68. I trust Him. I know that this is where I am supposed to be, and I know that He will provide, whether through people, or through a miracle. HE IS FAITHFUL.

Jesus, I surrender my financial state to You. I surrender every fear to You. I trust You. I trust You.

"I will depend on You. All of my hope is in You. I will depend on You.

I will have faith in You. All of my hope is in You. I will depend on You."

-United Pursuit Band

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I would love for you to join me in missions and in carrying out Jesus love! If you would like to partner with me in prayer, or financially, or just want to stay updated on what's going on in my life/walk with Jesus, please e-mail me for more information!

friedchicken177@gmail.com

Walking Forward.

My deepest fear is that I'll forget.

That I'll forget what's happened to me in the past year. That the memories will fade, and that I won't be able to recall the moments of bliss, of pain, of healing and of realization that I've experienced. I'm afraid that the relationships I've made will change, that they will fall away and become little more than dust. I'm afraid that I'll forget what my Jesus did for me, that I'll forget what it was like to live without Him, and that I'll slowly fall into a pattern of apathy regarding my relationship with Him.

And I've been letting this fear drive me. I've been re-living and writing down and going over and looking through the memories, whether in pictures or in my brain and heart, and I've been documenting them as best as I can. But, through this, I've lost sight of the road I'm on.

I was talking with a friend the other night, and in our conversation he mentioned that I seemed like the kind of person who looks to the past more than the future. I answered by saying, essentially, that I have a mix of both... but now that I've thought about it, I think he's right. I've spent too much time looking back while walking forward, and today I stumbled.

I can't explain what happened exactly, but I realized that I've been ignoring what Jesus has been trying to teach me and where He's been leading me recently. And I don't like that.

Not one bit.

I think it's time for me to stop running in circles and focus on what He has for me, and while I can keep a healthy perspective of the past and a healthy outlook on the future, I need to be here, now, with Him, doing what He's calling me to do.

So that's my plan--not to plan, to let Him direct, to let Him do what He does best, and lead me.

And as for forgetting, I think He created the brain for a reason. I have the mental capacity to remember, so... I don't need to worry about it.

My Salvation Lies in Your Love

I get scared.

Especially when I realize that my talents and character and all the things that I pride myself on are nothing more than dust. 

My talents fail me. My character fails me. My thoughts--my very flesh--it will always, always fail me. I can not rely on myself. 

I can rely on my God. I can rely on the fact that day after day, no matter where I am, what I'm doing, He will be there, right next to me. He will always be the one taking my hand and helping me up, leading me over mountains and through the deep recesses of the earth. 

And even better, when I am feeling weak and terrified and am worrying that what I am about to do will fail me, He gives me His voice. He gives me His strength. He gives me His hands, and His feet, and His heart. 

And when I feel like I'm being attacked, like life is getting too hard, he steps in carries me. He rides the heavens to help me. And He promises to do it again, and again, and again...

Because He loves me.

Jesus, YOU are worthy. Take my life and let it be used for Your glory. Take all of me, everything, my faults and my failures and my joys and my strengths. And Jesus... run with it. Shape me. Create, and re-create, and  chisel away, and bring forth your sweet fragrance in my heart, in my life. 

Because I love you. 

And I desire more.

There You go Making my Heart Beat Again

My day has been consumed with Skype dates, writing music and doing dishes. I look out the window into the overcast fields and see rain throwing itself from the sky and exploding into a million pieces onto the ground, gracing the face of the earth with its watery freckles. My brother and I are singing country music and exchanging playful banter while we hang out and laugh together.

Basically, it's a typical day. Except for one thing. 

All day, God has been speaking His exquisite, colorful love over me. I have slipped into His presence and have been standing in it all day. He whispers little things to my spirit and my flesh breaks out in chills, my mind coursing and climbing and plummeting to new depths and heights, exploring the things He's revealing to me. His voice has been present all day.

Recently I've been having a number of revelations, which you can tell by reading my past posts. A few weeks ago I felt like I was underwater spiritually; gasping for Him to breathe His air into me while swimming away from the surface, sabotaging myself of the one thing I desired the most. 

Today I broke surface. I've been striving for it for a week and a half and finally, I made it.

My heart has begun to beat again.

He fills my lungs with His sweet breath and I inhale... savoring the scent of His presence. And this is just the beginning. If I keep looking toward Him, I will soon recover from my bout beneath the choppy waters, and I will learn to climb into a boat with Him. I will learn to sail with Him and to explore new territory, all the while looking to the sky, looking up, breathing in, exhaling the poison from my system and taking in the wind and the oxygen He's provided for me. 

He's showing me what it's like to be a burst of vibrant color amidst the thunderstorms that are thrown in my face. And the most exciting part? In Him, I can be unstoppable. And I can provide color. 

So really all I need to do is breathe, and climb in this boat, and unfurl the sails, and let Him be my heartbeat.