Musings.

"The best equipping is living

in My presence,

My hand that never lets go of yours. 

Discuss everything with Me... Remember that 

I am on your side, and that I have overcome the world."

Often I live as if I'm on the losing side of the battle. I find myself focusing on my insecurities and I allow the little nagging thoughts of doubt take root and idly observe as they begin to bloom. 

I've been reading through John; a chronicled account of Jesus' coming and going, of His passionate and radical and beautifully messy lifestyle. I find hope in that, because I can identify with the messy. I identify with the characters that encounter Him; with the woman at the well in chapter 4 who is caught up in something that she tries to hide and He calls her out in love, drawing her in to drink of His wellspring, calling her into true life. 

I identify with the blind man in chapter 9 who, without question, did exactly as Jesus instructed and was able to see for the first time, tasting the freedom of His gift fully.

And while I find a common ground with many of these ancient characters, I take heart in the fact that my God is indeed the Father of all, that He is Mighty, Strong, a Wonderful Counselor and a God of unabashed Love. And I find that, rather than taking up the mindset of the defeated, He has given me the Spirit, and  "He who believes in Me [Jesus], as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water". (John 7:38) 

We constantly live in a place of war within ourselves; trying to decide whether to follow our hearts or follow that which we know to be true. We borrow advice from the deep places in our hearts and believe them to be absolute truth without testing them first, however, Jeremiah 17:9 challenges that very concept;

The heart is deceitful above all things,

and desperately sick,

who can understand it?

You know what strikes me? Not even the fact that my heart is deceitful above ALL things, but that it is desperately sick. My heart. My heart, which has been seeking and craving and running after God for years. My heart, which I want with every part of me to believe is good and whole and pure. But even in saying that, I know that my assumptions are incorrect. 

I am flawed; I am desperately sick; and I am grateful for this.

Because that gives me a chance to be like the blind man; to be in a place of humility and raw desperation where my Jesus can place His hands over me and instruct me towards healing. Because He promises that in my belief of Him, He will equip me with the Holy Spirit, which will flow from me like a river of water, quenching the dark and spreading light within. Because my flaws are the very things He is going to heal when I enter into His kingdom for the rest of eternity. Because when I am passing through His gates into His glorious, unleashed presence, I will experience Him like never before.

I know that in Him I am on the winning side. That I don't have to strive to fight the battle in my own strength, but that He is next to me grinning, effortlessly holding up His defense against the enemy and urging me to do the same, drawing from His unending strength. 

He is my Champion. He has overcome.

Let The Blind Eyes be Opened

"Wilderness and desert will sing joyously,
    the badlands will celebrate and flower—
Like the crocus in spring, bursting into blossom,
    a symphony of song and color.
Mountain glories of Lebanon—a gift.
    Awesome Carmel, stunning Sharon—gifts.
God’s resplendent glory, fully on display.
    God awesome, God majestic.

Energize the limp hands,
    strengthen the rubbery knees.
Tell fearful souls,
    “Courage! Take heart!
God is here, right here,
    on his way to put things right
And redress all wrongs.
    He’s on his way! He’ll save you!”

Blind eyes will be opened,
    deaf ears unstopped,
Lame men and women will leap like deer,
    the voiceless break into song.
Springs of water will burst out in the wilderness,
    streams flow in the desert.
Hot sands will become a cool oasis,
    thirsty ground a splashing fountain.
Even lowly jackals will have water to drink,
    and barren grasslands flourish richly.

There will be a highway
    called the Holy Road.
No one rude or rebellious
    is permitted on this road.
It’s for God’s people exclusively—
    impossible to get lost on this road.
    Not even fools can get lost on it.
No lions on this road,
    no dangerous wild animals—
Nothing and no one dangerous or threatening.
    Only the redeemed will walk on it.
The people God has ransomed
    will come back on this road.
They’ll sing as they make their way home to Zion,
    unfading halos of joy encircling their heads,
Welcomed home with gifts of joy and gladness
    as all sorrows and sighs scurry into the night."

-Isaiah 35 (MSG)

Today is about receiving the joy and strength that my Daddy has gifted me with! I'm dancing in His freedom!

Church with a View.

Voices raised as knees touched the ground, heads lifted and arms stretched; life and joy and peace flooding the hearts of the people within the room. I stepped through the doorway and immediately a wave of raw love washed over me, pulling me further in. I was greeted by many, the love of their Jesus radiating from their faces as they welcomed me and my friend into the presence of the Almighty God with hugs and handshakes. We were invited to join in praising the Father as the music changed and Kim Walker's voice started to sing out glorious words over the sound system.

The Holy Spirit was alive here.

Fountains of glory rolled off the tongues of God's beautiful children as we opened our mouths and allowed His Spirit to speak in foreign languages through us. I closed my eyes and was overcome with the beauty and the passion that my Father has for me. Grasping the chair in front of me, I thanked Him and praised Him for His glorious love and presence within my life and the healing that He has brought to my heart. Joy cascaded over me and I laughed; a rich and deep flowing laughter that can only come from Him and His Spirit.

I felt alive here.

I spent three weeks in Orange County, California this month, and I learned so much more about the Father than I thought I was going to. The experience above was one of the most beautiful moments, one of the richest and most fulfilling nights of my time spent with the churches, but it only captures one facet of my Jesus.

He is diverse.

I was privileged to witness His love poured out on many different congregations; from the well-dressed beautiful souls at Saddleback Church to the tattered homeless at a local ministry church held in a back parking lot at a motel. A smaller, more familial-feeling church in Laguna hung in the balance between these two, evening it out with a more earthy, raw passion vibrating through its congregation. Throughout the entire process of meeting and worshiping with and loving on the wonderfully diverse and equally stunning people at each location, I was struck with an almost heart-wrenching, yet incredibly simple thought:

Jesus has so many faces.

Simply put, yet saddening because I often find myself, when thinking of Jesus and His children, stereotyping the people that should be in this "Christian" category. I place labels on people, I categorize and place them into mental boxes... and I absolutely hate that. I never want to judge by the exterior of the beautiful, fearfully and marvelously crafted men and women that stand before me at any given moment.

I can't describe how brilliantly wonderful it's been to see the many faces of God within this past month. And to think that He will continue to reveal Himself to me through the church; again and again... that is awe-inspiring.

His church has no denomination. It encompasses all who believe and trust in Him; the rich, the filthy, the Pentecostal and the Baptist, the alcoholic and the adulteress. There is no discrimination. His church is full of love; of life and of healing and of hope. It stands on His truth and His unwavering merciful and just nature; wrapping His children in His arms and showering them with His guidance and grace.

His church is beautiful.

Sing to God a brand new song;

sing His praises all over the world!

Let the sea and its fish give a round of applause

    with all the far-flung islands joining in.

Let the desert and its camps raise a tune

   Calling the Kedar nomads to join in.

Let the villagers in Sela round up a choir

    and perform from the tops of the mountains.

Make God’s glory resound;

    echo his praises from coast to coast."

-Isaiah 42:10-12

Consider a Jealous God

My heart cries out for more today. It screams for something deeper; something more vivid and alive. Something that I can grasp onto and hold, take it in as if it's my very own breath that I'm embracing. Something--no, Someone--that will hold me and keep me and birth in me a wild and abundant and lovely passion and burning for life.

I have been home in Washington for five weeks now. I left YWAM Destination Paradise in Belize five weeks ago with a heavy and faltering heart. I left with an angry and despairing and hurting spirit. I left with a sense of bitterness and frustration; towards others, but mostly focused towards myself.

I was reading in Hebrews 12 a few days ago and verse 3 kept playing over and over in my mind.

"For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, 

lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls."

When I left DP, I was weary, discouraged. I hadn't been considering God and His passions and heart for me, and I fell into a state of thinking that was so inwardly focused that I couldn't see what He was speaking over me. Since being home, I have found that peace again. I have found the rest in Him that I have so desperately been craving, discovered once more the excitement and intimacy with my Father. He has been speaking into me life and color, breathing into my weary soul and reviving the joy within that is so natural for me. My heart is still in a process of healing, of finding a place where I can communicate healthily with those whom I have hurt and who have hurt me, but within this process I am learning to focus on God's peace and humble myself before Him daily, hourly, in every moment, because according to Deuteronomy 4:24;

"...the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God."

and

"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken,
let us be thankful, and so worship God with reverence and awe,
for our God is a consuming fire." (Hebrews 12:28-29)

My God is a jealous God. He is a God thirsty for my love, hungering to get to know me better and craving my company. Who am I to deny Him His glory? It was foolish of me to step into sin and convince myself that He wasn't watching, that I could repent later. It would be foolish for me to run from that. Instead, I'm walking into His presence with a sense of utter peace and joy, because His grace and His love is bigger and more passionate than I could ever imagine. He is reining me in and teaching and growing and stretching me, and as this happens His restoration and His will for me encompasses me and burns in my heart; calling me and prodding me ever towards His feet, towards the throne, towards His beauty.

Not Just Another Journey

"You don't become a new person by changing your behavior. You discover the person that you already are in Christ and you start to behave accordingly because the Holy Spirit is with you. He makes moves on you. Uncommon love is present and active for your good." -Graham Cooke

I've been listening to a lot of Graham Cooke recently, diving into his 'Uncommon Love' series. A part of his message is about baggage, about the things that we've carried into our present-future from our past. 

We're four days into this January 2013 DTS here at DP, and it's going wonderfully. Right now the students are taking advantage of their first free day so far by heading into town, snorkeling, kayaking and playing volleyball. It's fantastic to have so many people around again. 

There's already been some insane freedom happening here; the students shared their testimonies last night and some of them bared their hearts like they've never bared them before. It's beautiful to see so many young people laying their hearts out and trusting that they will be safe; sharing their lives and letting their walls come down, their vulnerable sides be visible for a split second. 

My heart is already wrenching for them; some have come from some incredibly hard situations and I feel so privileged to have heard their stories and have them give permission for me to speak into their lives. Connections are being made between us as staff and them as students, and I feel more and more the need to be 100% real with them in everything I say and do. This isn't a group to trifle with. None of them ever are, but I already feel the strong pull of leadership in their lives and I feel like I've been given an ability to tap into their hearts and see what God wants to say specifically to each one of them.

His faithfulness has already been showing up to these 25 amazing college-aged men and women, and I am so excited to see how they respond and grow as He continues to break down the walls they've built up inside and pour into them until they have that moment where they get it. That moment where they absolutely get His love and get His touch and feel what He has for them. I can't wait for the dawn to break in their lives. So many of them have been found wanting, have been lacking something and have been searching for it for such a long time. My heart is pulled towards them with a love that can only come from the Father; a love and a passion to see them succeed, and to see them explode into a passionate, worshipful, strong and healthy school. 

These students have it. They have so much potential that it blows me away to even think about it. Their strong character and the depth of their hearts and personalities is breath-taking. I'm already so proud of them all, and we've just barely wrapped up orientation week! They have a hunger and a heartbeat and thirst for God that I haven't seen before; an almost dire desperation to find Him, to be close to Him, to find that purpose and that strength and that security and that love that only He can provide. 

This is always a journey, and I am so thankful for that. The ability to build and work and live together in relationship and community with one another is always an adventure. Having 25 more people move into our home here is wonderful, and I can't even begin to describe the excitement I feel when I think about how far these students will have come at the end of the school. I feel such fierce loyalty to fight for them, to urge them every step of the way towards Jesus, to love them with everything He gives me. They are so worth this. 

The baggage is about to be non-existent. Freedom is coming so swiftly that I can't even begin to follow it. Like I said; it's a process, but it's about to get real, and intense, and wonderful. God is so good!

Climb.

I admit, I've been procrastinating. I've been locking myself away and reading, and watching movies, and not writing. I've been preoccupied with moving through the days until the next school starts, rationalizing that once those days hit, I'll be doing something worthwhile. Guess what?

Today is worthwhile.

Today is worth living.

And I forgot that.

I forgot that I am here for a purpose; and every single day that I don't chase after that purpose, I'm wasting time. My purpose here is to know Jesus and to proclaim Him and His love and His majesty and wonder over everything I come in contact with. So, today I decided to do things differently. I spent the entire morning with Jesus. Not making up for lost time, because I can't get that time back, but making a conscious effort to restore my relationship with Him. I've been on a bit of a roller coaster since being in Belize; during the last school I was actively pursuing God, wandering in His wake. It was amazing, until I let my guard down. And then I started to become apathetic about it, and I didn't wake up for Him in the morning. I woke up for me...I woke up so I could walk through another day. I let things like homesickness and doubt distract me from His ever-waving arms. I let Him become something that was comfortable and worn, something that I put on when I want to feel warm and cozy, much like my old sweatpants.

I was reading this morning, and the book I was reading was talking about the God of Ezekiel. Have you ever read the book of Ezekiel? It's all about a jealous God. A God who doesn't stand up and let people get away with wickedness. It is about a fierce, warrior God who loves His people so much, He won't watch them go to ruin. He will let them take the consequences for their actions, though.

Want to know what crossed my mind this morning? God's not a pair of old, worn out sweatpants. God is a God of love, terrible and passionate love that will stop at no bounds. He is a God of fire and water, a God of justice and of mercy. A gentle God. An intense God. A lover God. A wild, and powerful, and relentless God. A holy God.

And I completely lost sight of that. Needless to say, I was humbled by this revelation, and I sat with Him talking and reading more about His incredible nature, listening to Him as He poured His devotion over me.

It's been hard for me recently. I'm a part of a school that disciples young people to go into life and become leaders in faith, leaders in ministry, leaders in integrity. We are now moving into a time where we will have 4 schools per year, and I have the wonderful privilege of staffing here. That means that I am a girls small group leader--I mentor and counsel and pray over and live for my girls as they are here. Last school, there were 9 girls in my group, and I was absolutely in rapture with the love that God gave me for them. I got to sit with them and hear their stories; stories of pain, of humiliation, of self-hurt and of abuse. I got to counsel them, to walk with them through memories and feelings and their own tortured thoughts, speaking God's light and life into them as we went.

I had the chance to chase after them as they bolted to the end of the dock and fell onto their knees, sobbing in the sheer pain of their circumstances. I had the freedom to pull them into my arms and hold them, tears slipping down my own face as I prayed for words, and if none came, I sat with them in silence, letting them cry it out as I held them, as Jesus held both of us in His presence.

And when those young women sat before me at the end of the school and I spoke to them about how they had impacted me, about how I had seen the change in them as they grew closer to God, I was so proud, so privileged to see them grin, their eyes glowing as they walked away with their heads held high in trust of the Father, in trust of His plan for them, in a new mindset of self-esteem and love.

I played a piece in a wild, incredible transformation. My girls left this space with a new breath in their lungs. They are changed for the better, and not by my doing. I was just a tool in this, and it's not over. They will continue to grow and flourish as they go on in life. 

This is what I do here, this is why I am here. To serve this awe-inspiring, trustworthy, fierce, loyal, loving, passionate, wonderful, crazy God. And He is constantly calling out His plea for us to join Him... today, I will.  And tomorrow, I will. And the next day, I will choose this.

Because He is worthy of this.

Thrive

I honestly don't know how to start this. I would absolutely love to describe the past three months in a way that grasps everything that has happened, but even the aspiration of such a task seems insurmountable.

I could try to paint a picture of the countless lives that were transformed; lay out stories of individuals whose hearts were wrecked by God in a way that one could only understand if their heart had been through a similar process.

I could draw out pages and pages of details on the healings and freedoms and perspectives gained. I could speak of the demons shattered and the heart-wrenching memories broken; of the strongholds of the enemy that were infiltrated and captured for the King.

I could describe the moments where I sat and held students shaking, sobbing, crying out in pain or fear. I could explain the way that my heart wrenched with anguish on the nights that I wandered around the deserted base, praying and crying, letting my frustration at the enemy vent as I prayed against his very existence on our base.

I could recount many nights of laughter, sitting at the drink palapa with guitars and coke, playing cards and losing game after game after game to one of the students. I could sketch moments of pure ecstasy, where I'm sitting with my small group girls on the end of the dock, washing their feet and blessing them one-by-one as the rest of them swim around the dock or stand on the bench dancing and shouting with laughter.

I could try to describe so many moments...but I don't think I can capture them in a way that they are meant to be captured. I could use all the adjectives in the world and still not convey the right meaning for certain moments.

These three months have been full of 34 students whose lives have been insanely transformed; both audaciously and subtly. Watching them flourish and rise from ashes of past hurts, misgivings, destructive behaviors, and hostile mindsets has been such an extraordinary happening to be a part of.

The September 2012 Lecture Phase is coming to a close for these students, and as they take off to head to their different countries for outreach, I couldn't be more proud. I have been here to witness and encourage them through three months of their lives, and I am ecstatic to hear about their adventures on outreach. I can't describe my love for them, and the best part is; I get to do this all over again in January, with a new set of students.

I realized a few days ago that I am a part of something so incredibly large, so incredibly important; something  that makes a large impression on the lives of many people. And I have the immense privilege of watching men and women of God filter through this school and learn about His awesome, magnificent, marvelous love. I get to be a part of guiding them, of encouraging and listening to them, of praying with them through the night and rejoicing with them through the brilliant dawn.

I am a part of a movement that is so large and encompassing; so important and beautiful; and I am so humbled by that. The fact that I get to live in Belize and watch freedom and healing happen before my very eyes--to facilitate freedom and healing... this is incredible. This is a huge responsibility. It's excruciatingly intricate sometimes. It's extremely taxing. It's abundantly rewarding. And I love every moment of it.

I feel like I'm in my element; learning and teaching, growing and molding, being and doing, following and leading. It's an endless cycle of hope and tears, of joy and sadness. It's beautiful.

And it takes more than just me. I am so privileged to have such a vast prayer team at home; friends and family that are willing to keep me on their hearts in prayer. They are the reason I am here right now; the reason this is so effective. The reason I can be with my small group girls and speak life over them as they sit before me voicing doubts, or dance with them as they gain healing and hope. I LOVE THIS. And I LOVE the team behind me that is supporting me.

So I continue to be thankful, to realize that this endeavor is more than I could ever imagine. To become more vulnerable and more stable in our Jesus, in the Holy Spirit, in my Daddy. I am taking hold of the joy He has given me as a gift, and embracing these students as they head off this week into a new adventure, into a new lifestyle. I've found my place for this season; my sweet spot.

And so I will continue to soak in Jesus, to write, and share my thoughts, and be present, and thrive.

This Is Real.

I want to love through--and with--everything inside of me. I want my love to do. I want my love to serve.

These past two weeks have been eye-opening. I've spent every day learning and rediscovering just what this time is going to be about, for myself as well as the current students.

As DTS staff we sit in on lectures with the students, and this week has been powerful. John Gotz, the speaker this week, is from Punta Gorda, Belize, and speaks on Warrior-ship and the Warrior mentality that we are called to have. Every day here on Earth is a battle. Every day I need to actively fight against the lies that are barraging me on every side... this is something that I realized last year during my own DTS, but it just intensified. Now I am not only fighting for my own faith and my own relationship with Jesus, but also for the lives and mentalities and attitudes and relationships of 34 students. Spiritual warfare isn't just for me. It's for everyone around, every single person within my scope of influence. I have been called to action, called to fight for these students in whatever way needed.

Fighting takes character. Galatians 5 has been an incredibly empowering chapter for me, inspiring me to take on the attributes of the Father, to emulate Him and to imitate Him in every single movement. I have been called to take on His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control. I have been called to cast away all deception, selfishness, anger, frustration, jealousy.

It is for freedom that Christ has set me free, therefore I will cast aside all chains that have hindered me and will step into this freedom in purity, never looking back. I am called to live a life on integrity and of character.

A week before the students arrived, we had staff training week. During this week we learned about small groups, how to deal with different situations, and how to effectively release control to the Spirit every moment of the day. We were challenged to meditate on Galatians 5:22-23, to seek God about how to really, effectively live out His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control.

How do I reflect God and His character of integrity every moment, with everything in me? How can I get to that place where my littlest actions reflect Him, and not just my big decisions? I want to get to the point where every movement and every breath I take screams His name, His character. Is this obtainable? I believe so. It takes practice, it takes determination, it takes integrity to choose every single day to make a point to think like Him and act like Him. By pressing into Him, putting Him into the center of my life way more than I ever have before.

This is a journey. Working with students, living in community, choosing every day to live for the rest of the staff, to live for the students instead of myself, that's hard. But it's getting easier every single day. I am here to honor my Father, and I am so privileged to be in His presence and work with His children every day.

This is my heart right now, my cry. I need to thank all of you for making this a possibility. I can't explain how crucial my time is here, and how incredible the team here is. God has hand-picked each of us for this moment, and every day I'm reminded of His sovereignty and His power and love. So thank you, you are such an amazing support system, and I am so thankful to be here, so honored to be here and to be able to speak into the lives of these students.

I'll write again later this week, including more of what's going on here and how God has been moving in the physical as well as the spiritual around base. God is so good.

Adventure is Out There!

One of the most exciting realizations I've had is that Jesus LOVES adventure! He LOVES taking me places I've never been. He LOVES sharing in the challenges that arise in the unknown waters, and He absolutely LOVES it when I invite Him to do more than just participate-- but to lead.

It's time for another adventure with my Daddy, and I can't explain how excited I am!

In about 13 hours I'll be boarding my first flight on my journey to Belize. Tomorrow evening, I'll be sitting in God's presence, listening to the water against the dock and looking into the blackness over the sea, inhaling the salty tropical air that my lungs so dearly love. I'll be laughing, talking, bonding with the rest of the staff members; some of which I know, others I'll be meeting for the first time. I'll be unpacking and getting ready for the next few months, settling down in my new home and learning to be comfortable there again.

JESUS IS GOOD. My heart has been drawn to Belize since I left, and only my Daddy knew I'd go back. He knew when I'd leave, and how perfect the timing would be, and how much money I would need, and how many people would donate or help with fundraisers or give me jobs. He knew that last night I'd be sad about leaving home and family, and He knew which songs I needed to hear to realize that only He can bring peace, only He can be my comfort. He is so good. I can't say it enough.

I am so excited to go on this adventure with Jesus. I am so excited for Him to break me, teach me, lead me, love on me. I am so excited to be in a place where I need to lean on Him every moment of every day, because my words are not enough, my actions fail, and my heart is selfish. But HE... He is perfect. He will speak, and His heart will shine through this frail human body and man... He will create some amazing, beautiful light in this world. I am so excited for Him to work; for Him to love, and love, and love, and love.

He is so good.