Little Chunk of Sunshine

I was at work today (I work at a Pizzeria), clearing off tables and re-setting them, going through the now-familiar motions and listening to the chatter of the customers around me. I was just about to walk away from the area I was in when an older couple sitting at a nearby table stopped me. The gentleman peered at me from behind his glasses-clad blue eyes and gave me a grin,

"Young lady, are you going to school?" I replied that I wasn't right now, but was saving money to go to school for psychology and music. His wife's eyes lit up and she put her hand on my arm, thoroughly excited for me. I spent the next ten minutes talking with this couple as they asked me about my dreams and my adventures; encouraging me in my interests and very sternly telling me that, "The world can always find more waitresses, but not many are willing to help others psychologically. Go after your dream!"

I can't describe how incredibly blessed I am by this couple. I don't know their names, but I dearly hope that this lovely couple realized how much they mean to those around them; their willingness to take the time to stop and get to know a 20-year-old waitress at a pizzeria for a few minutes drastically changed the atmosphere of my entire day. It was a beautifully God-orchestrated meeting, and though God wasn't once mentioned in our conversation, I believe that He was specifically placing them in my day to bless me, and in turn for me to bless them.

I love kind people. I love how excitement spreads. I love that a ten-minute conversation with complete strangers can inspire in me an attitude to exhort the passions and desires in others, encouraging them to follow their dreams as I chase after mine.

I am so thankful for the generations that have gone before mine; for those who are wise and experienced in this world. I am so thankful for this couple; for the time and energy they spend encouraging others.

I am ridiculously blessed.

Let The Blind Eyes be Opened

"Wilderness and desert will sing joyously,
    the badlands will celebrate and flower—
Like the crocus in spring, bursting into blossom,
    a symphony of song and color.
Mountain glories of Lebanon—a gift.
    Awesome Carmel, stunning Sharon—gifts.
God’s resplendent glory, fully on display.
    God awesome, God majestic.

Energize the limp hands,
    strengthen the rubbery knees.
Tell fearful souls,
    “Courage! Take heart!
God is here, right here,
    on his way to put things right
And redress all wrongs.
    He’s on his way! He’ll save you!”

Blind eyes will be opened,
    deaf ears unstopped,
Lame men and women will leap like deer,
    the voiceless break into song.
Springs of water will burst out in the wilderness,
    streams flow in the desert.
Hot sands will become a cool oasis,
    thirsty ground a splashing fountain.
Even lowly jackals will have water to drink,
    and barren grasslands flourish richly.

There will be a highway
    called the Holy Road.
No one rude or rebellious
    is permitted on this road.
It’s for God’s people exclusively—
    impossible to get lost on this road.
    Not even fools can get lost on it.
No lions on this road,
    no dangerous wild animals—
Nothing and no one dangerous or threatening.
    Only the redeemed will walk on it.
The people God has ransomed
    will come back on this road.
They’ll sing as they make their way home to Zion,
    unfading halos of joy encircling their heads,
Welcomed home with gifts of joy and gladness
    as all sorrows and sighs scurry into the night."

-Isaiah 35 (MSG)

Today is about receiving the joy and strength that my Daddy has gifted me with! I'm dancing in His freedom!

Church with a View.

Voices raised as knees touched the ground, heads lifted and arms stretched; life and joy and peace flooding the hearts of the people within the room. I stepped through the doorway and immediately a wave of raw love washed over me, pulling me further in. I was greeted by many, the love of their Jesus radiating from their faces as they welcomed me and my friend into the presence of the Almighty God with hugs and handshakes. We were invited to join in praising the Father as the music changed and Kim Walker's voice started to sing out glorious words over the sound system.

The Holy Spirit was alive here.

Fountains of glory rolled off the tongues of God's beautiful children as we opened our mouths and allowed His Spirit to speak in foreign languages through us. I closed my eyes and was overcome with the beauty and the passion that my Father has for me. Grasping the chair in front of me, I thanked Him and praised Him for His glorious love and presence within my life and the healing that He has brought to my heart. Joy cascaded over me and I laughed; a rich and deep flowing laughter that can only come from Him and His Spirit.

I felt alive here.

I spent three weeks in Orange County, California this month, and I learned so much more about the Father than I thought I was going to. The experience above was one of the most beautiful moments, one of the richest and most fulfilling nights of my time spent with the churches, but it only captures one facet of my Jesus.

He is diverse.

I was privileged to witness His love poured out on many different congregations; from the well-dressed beautiful souls at Saddleback Church to the tattered homeless at a local ministry church held in a back parking lot at a motel. A smaller, more familial-feeling church in Laguna hung in the balance between these two, evening it out with a more earthy, raw passion vibrating through its congregation. Throughout the entire process of meeting and worshiping with and loving on the wonderfully diverse and equally stunning people at each location, I was struck with an almost heart-wrenching, yet incredibly simple thought:

Jesus has so many faces.

Simply put, yet saddening because I often find myself, when thinking of Jesus and His children, stereotyping the people that should be in this "Christian" category. I place labels on people, I categorize and place them into mental boxes... and I absolutely hate that. I never want to judge by the exterior of the beautiful, fearfully and marvelously crafted men and women that stand before me at any given moment.

I can't describe how brilliantly wonderful it's been to see the many faces of God within this past month. And to think that He will continue to reveal Himself to me through the church; again and again... that is awe-inspiring.

His church has no denomination. It encompasses all who believe and trust in Him; the rich, the filthy, the Pentecostal and the Baptist, the alcoholic and the adulteress. There is no discrimination. His church is full of love; of life and of healing and of hope. It stands on His truth and His unwavering merciful and just nature; wrapping His children in His arms and showering them with His guidance and grace.

His church is beautiful.

Sing to God a brand new song;

sing His praises all over the world!

Let the sea and its fish give a round of applause

    with all the far-flung islands joining in.

Let the desert and its camps raise a tune

   Calling the Kedar nomads to join in.

Let the villagers in Sela round up a choir

    and perform from the tops of the mountains.

Make God’s glory resound;

    echo his praises from coast to coast."

-Isaiah 42:10-12

Thrive

I honestly don't know how to start this. I would absolutely love to describe the past three months in a way that grasps everything that has happened, but even the aspiration of such a task seems insurmountable.

I could try to paint a picture of the countless lives that were transformed; lay out stories of individuals whose hearts were wrecked by God in a way that one could only understand if their heart had been through a similar process.

I could draw out pages and pages of details on the healings and freedoms and perspectives gained. I could speak of the demons shattered and the heart-wrenching memories broken; of the strongholds of the enemy that were infiltrated and captured for the King.

I could describe the moments where I sat and held students shaking, sobbing, crying out in pain or fear. I could explain the way that my heart wrenched with anguish on the nights that I wandered around the deserted base, praying and crying, letting my frustration at the enemy vent as I prayed against his very existence on our base.

I could recount many nights of laughter, sitting at the drink palapa with guitars and coke, playing cards and losing game after game after game to one of the students. I could sketch moments of pure ecstasy, where I'm sitting with my small group girls on the end of the dock, washing their feet and blessing them one-by-one as the rest of them swim around the dock or stand on the bench dancing and shouting with laughter.

I could try to describe so many moments...but I don't think I can capture them in a way that they are meant to be captured. I could use all the adjectives in the world and still not convey the right meaning for certain moments.

These three months have been full of 34 students whose lives have been insanely transformed; both audaciously and subtly. Watching them flourish and rise from ashes of past hurts, misgivings, destructive behaviors, and hostile mindsets has been such an extraordinary happening to be a part of.

The September 2012 Lecture Phase is coming to a close for these students, and as they take off to head to their different countries for outreach, I couldn't be more proud. I have been here to witness and encourage them through three months of their lives, and I am ecstatic to hear about their adventures on outreach. I can't describe my love for them, and the best part is; I get to do this all over again in January, with a new set of students.

I realized a few days ago that I am a part of something so incredibly large, so incredibly important; something  that makes a large impression on the lives of many people. And I have the immense privilege of watching men and women of God filter through this school and learn about His awesome, magnificent, marvelous love. I get to be a part of guiding them, of encouraging and listening to them, of praying with them through the night and rejoicing with them through the brilliant dawn.

I am a part of a movement that is so large and encompassing; so important and beautiful; and I am so humbled by that. The fact that I get to live in Belize and watch freedom and healing happen before my very eyes--to facilitate freedom and healing... this is incredible. This is a huge responsibility. It's excruciatingly intricate sometimes. It's extremely taxing. It's abundantly rewarding. And I love every moment of it.

I feel like I'm in my element; learning and teaching, growing and molding, being and doing, following and leading. It's an endless cycle of hope and tears, of joy and sadness. It's beautiful.

And it takes more than just me. I am so privileged to have such a vast prayer team at home; friends and family that are willing to keep me on their hearts in prayer. They are the reason I am here right now; the reason this is so effective. The reason I can be with my small group girls and speak life over them as they sit before me voicing doubts, or dance with them as they gain healing and hope. I LOVE THIS. And I LOVE the team behind me that is supporting me.

So I continue to be thankful, to realize that this endeavor is more than I could ever imagine. To become more vulnerable and more stable in our Jesus, in the Holy Spirit, in my Daddy. I am taking hold of the joy He has given me as a gift, and embracing these students as they head off this week into a new adventure, into a new lifestyle. I've found my place for this season; my sweet spot.

And so I will continue to soak in Jesus, to write, and share my thoughts, and be present, and thrive.

This Is Real.

I want to love through--and with--everything inside of me. I want my love to do. I want my love to serve.

These past two weeks have been eye-opening. I've spent every day learning and rediscovering just what this time is going to be about, for myself as well as the current students.

As DTS staff we sit in on lectures with the students, and this week has been powerful. John Gotz, the speaker this week, is from Punta Gorda, Belize, and speaks on Warrior-ship and the Warrior mentality that we are called to have. Every day here on Earth is a battle. Every day I need to actively fight against the lies that are barraging me on every side... this is something that I realized last year during my own DTS, but it just intensified. Now I am not only fighting for my own faith and my own relationship with Jesus, but also for the lives and mentalities and attitudes and relationships of 34 students. Spiritual warfare isn't just for me. It's for everyone around, every single person within my scope of influence. I have been called to action, called to fight for these students in whatever way needed.

Fighting takes character. Galatians 5 has been an incredibly empowering chapter for me, inspiring me to take on the attributes of the Father, to emulate Him and to imitate Him in every single movement. I have been called to take on His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control. I have been called to cast away all deception, selfishness, anger, frustration, jealousy.

It is for freedom that Christ has set me free, therefore I will cast aside all chains that have hindered me and will step into this freedom in purity, never looking back. I am called to live a life on integrity and of character.

A week before the students arrived, we had staff training week. During this week we learned about small groups, how to deal with different situations, and how to effectively release control to the Spirit every moment of the day. We were challenged to meditate on Galatians 5:22-23, to seek God about how to really, effectively live out His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control.

How do I reflect God and His character of integrity every moment, with everything in me? How can I get to that place where my littlest actions reflect Him, and not just my big decisions? I want to get to the point where every movement and every breath I take screams His name, His character. Is this obtainable? I believe so. It takes practice, it takes determination, it takes integrity to choose every single day to make a point to think like Him and act like Him. By pressing into Him, putting Him into the center of my life way more than I ever have before.

This is a journey. Working with students, living in community, choosing every day to live for the rest of the staff, to live for the students instead of myself, that's hard. But it's getting easier every single day. I am here to honor my Father, and I am so privileged to be in His presence and work with His children every day.

This is my heart right now, my cry. I need to thank all of you for making this a possibility. I can't explain how crucial my time is here, and how incredible the team here is. God has hand-picked each of us for this moment, and every day I'm reminded of His sovereignty and His power and love. So thank you, you are such an amazing support system, and I am so thankful to be here, so honored to be here and to be able to speak into the lives of these students.

I'll write again later this week, including more of what's going on here and how God has been moving in the physical as well as the spiritual around base. God is so good.

Belize. Laughter. Mosquitoes.

All I hear is laughter. It's like I've stepped into a realm of joy, and I've been told my presence brings the promise of more.

Being back in Belize is a breath of fresh air. Seeing those whom I'd previously met here as well as forming friendships with the new staff members who are coming in to DP this next season has been incredible! There are four new staff members; myself included. David, Dallas, and Zoe are all new this year, the boys did their DTS with DP this past January, while Zoe's was in 2008 while Destination Paradise still had their boats.

I've been here almost a full week, as I arrived last Tuesday morning. The past week has been spent settling into this new space and getting to know the rest of the staff here. Zoe and I spent a few mornings sanding and painting bunk beds that Rene, one of the other staff members, built for the students. It was hot, sweaty work and took us three days to finish six beds, but it was so fulfilling! It wasn't hard work, but we were productive and it was fun to bond and laugh with Zoe while we worked.

Today we started staff training week and I think the next few days will be amazing. It's beautiful hearing the hearts of these incredible people, coming together in the name of our Father, working towards one common goal. We're preparing for 34 students to arrive on base and praying that as they arrive, the presence of Jesus would be tangible to them on base.

Please join in prayer with us as we ask Jesus to prepare our hearts to be His hands and feet, as we prepare to give our all to these kids, pouring out His love and grace over them and walking with integrity and strong character as we lead.

I'm excited for the students to arrive. A little nervous if I'm honest, but mostly stoked to be a part of their lives and have the opportunity to speak truth and freedom and love over the lives of these young people. I know Jesus will blow them away with His presence and His intense, graceful, beautiful love. I know He will challenge me in ways I might not have been challenged before. I am so excited to see how He decides to lead this next school!

Being on staff definitely has a different quality to it than coming in as a student. I absolutely love bonding with the staff--laughing with them, watching movies, snorkeling, cooking, swimming, reading, discussing... Every bit of it. Like I said earlier; joy prevails here. Laughter doesn't seem to stop, and there are so many opportunities I claim joy in every situation, it's amazing. It blows me away that already God is opening me to things I hadn't realized before coming here, things He's been trying to teach me all summer that I'm finally realizing.

He is so good, the way He loves unconditionally and doesn't condemn. His patience with me is astounding!

Anyhow, these are just a ton of random thoughts and snippets of life since I've been here. I'll write more this week, I just wanted To put something out so you all know I'm doing well so far. T

Adventure is Out There!

One of the most exciting realizations I've had is that Jesus LOVES adventure! He LOVES taking me places I've never been. He LOVES sharing in the challenges that arise in the unknown waters, and He absolutely LOVES it when I invite Him to do more than just participate-- but to lead.

It's time for another adventure with my Daddy, and I can't explain how excited I am!

In about 13 hours I'll be boarding my first flight on my journey to Belize. Tomorrow evening, I'll be sitting in God's presence, listening to the water against the dock and looking into the blackness over the sea, inhaling the salty tropical air that my lungs so dearly love. I'll be laughing, talking, bonding with the rest of the staff members; some of which I know, others I'll be meeting for the first time. I'll be unpacking and getting ready for the next few months, settling down in my new home and learning to be comfortable there again.

JESUS IS GOOD. My heart has been drawn to Belize since I left, and only my Daddy knew I'd go back. He knew when I'd leave, and how perfect the timing would be, and how much money I would need, and how many people would donate or help with fundraisers or give me jobs. He knew that last night I'd be sad about leaving home and family, and He knew which songs I needed to hear to realize that only He can bring peace, only He can be my comfort. He is so good. I can't say it enough.

I am so excited to go on this adventure with Jesus. I am so excited for Him to break me, teach me, lead me, love on me. I am so excited to be in a place where I need to lean on Him every moment of every day, because my words are not enough, my actions fail, and my heart is selfish. But HE... He is perfect. He will speak, and His heart will shine through this frail human body and man... He will create some amazing, beautiful light in this world. I am so excited for Him to work; for Him to love, and love, and love, and love.

He is so good.

Worship Night/Fundraiser

September 2012 marks an incredible point in life for me as one of my passions will be fulfilled. I am traveling to Belize, Central America to staff at a YWAM (Youth With a Mission) school on an island called San Pedro. While staffing, I have the opportunity to mentor college-age students, lead small groups, teach, help lead team-building activities, and usher the Spirit of God into the lives of the broken, hurting, joyful and lovely children of our Father!

My goal is to share a taste of the passion and love that I have for the children of the Most High, and to help you gather a glimpse of how I will be able to impact and strengthen their lives in Christ, as well as growing in mine.

Please come support me in prayer, spirit, and funding as I share about my journeys to Belize and South Africa last year, as well as speak about where I will be going and exactly what I will be doing this year when I head back down to Central America. I would absolutely love to meet with you and share with you, as well as answer questions that you may have for me!

Join me as I share my life story with you, and speak about how incredible God's freedom and joy have been in my life! My heart is ready to open up, and I am so excited to bare myself and share my testimony with you in an intimate setting. My desire is for you to experience the passion that I have for Jesus and for His direction in my life.

Later in the evening, there will be a worship session, to which you are all invited! Feel free to come or go as you please during this time, but I encourage you to stay and enter into the presence of our Jesus as we devote this time back to Him and His glory!

Thank you so much for all of your support! I look forward to seeing you soon and being able to open up and share the deepest parts of my heart with you.

Date/time: August 10, 2012 at 7pm

Location:  Christian Life Center Church, 1832 Scott Rd. Freeland, WA 98249

If you have any questions, please call or text me at: 360-320-3112    
Or e-mail me at: friedchicken177@gmail.com

Spread the word. :)

Abandon Me

Dear Father,

Worship. Pure, unadulterated, passion-filled worship.

Jesus, I desire You. This weekend I was able to worship You in a way I rarely am able to worship. You gave me the privilege of coming together with three other talented musicians, under YOUR name, in YOUR presence. Father, thank You. Both Friday and Saturday nights we were able to worship You in song, in prayer. Jesus... I have no words. I can't describe my heart for You right now, because this weekend, you shattered it for You. I don't want me.


I don't want the way I do worship. I don't want the way I interact with others. I don't want my plans. 

You revealed to me this weekend Your plans for me. You revealed to me a piece of Your heart, and Father... that's what I want. 

I thirst for you. No, I yearn for you. And even more than that; I crave you. I ache for You, for Your voice, for Your breath on me. I covet Your presence and Your Spirit. I want you really, really bad Jesus. 

And so I abandon me. 

I lay down my fear of failure. I lay down my pride. I lay down my vanity. I lay down my hurt. I lay down my anger. God, I give to You my desire for a future relationship, for a marriage, for children. I give those to You, Father. Because right now, all I need is You. 

I give up my rights, Father. I give up every piece of my heart. I give my family to You. I give my friends to You. I give my church to You. I give my music; my voice and my guitar to You. I give you my desires. Every piece of my life, Father, reign over. Please be my Lord. I give you the throne.

I abandon me. I choose to pursue You.

I love you, Father. I love you. I love you.

Your Daughter,

Pure, Untainted, Joyous, WILD,

Emily Grace

Oh What a Day is Today!

You ever have those moments where you're sitting somewhere (this time I happened to be in a crowd of people, in the middle of church) and you get a thought that just completely blows your mind? I was walking to my chair during church after grabbing a cup of coffee and filling my water bottle, had almost made it, and one of those thoughts hit me.

Before I go further, you have to realize that I'm not the most graceful person on the face of the planet. One of my friends tells me that I have "helmet and crayons" moments. I always seem to wind up in awkward or messy situations. (Like getting mashed potatoes in my hair and steak in my eye (what?!) during a date in high school... who does that?) Also, we have a pretty small church, ranging from about 100-175 people, in a room smaller than a gym, where you can hear everything that's going on.

Anyways, earlier today I'm almost to my seat, cup of coffee (no lid... bad choice) in hand, and am about to slip into my row of chairs when one of those mind-blowing thoughts hits me. It's so mind-blowing that I decide to drop my water bottle. In the middle of church. While the pastor is talking.

As I drop my water bottle, the hand holding the cup of coffee jerks a bit, and hot coffee splashes over the rim and drenches my fingers. I stable it with the other hand, effectively drenching that one in coffee as well (I'm still standing in the middle of the aisle, and people are staring. And I'm getting coffee everywhere, including all over my forehead as I wipe my hair out of my eyes) and I can't figure out how to get my water bottle off of the ground without flashing everyone because I'm wearing a short-ish dress, so I just sit down in the nearest chair, giggling hysterically as my friends around me are all trying to contain their laughter and my pastor is trying not to be distracted.

Thankfully an older gentleman across the aisle retrieved my water bottle for me, and I was able to find something to wipe my hands (and forehead) off with. 

Point of story: Life is messy.

I can't share the realization I had at the moment, because I can't put it into words, but you'll probably get that later this week. For now though, it's been amazing to realize just how human I am today. I have not had one non-awkward day this entire week, though I think today was by far the most hilarious. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm looking through lenses that are slightly out of focus and a little off, and maybe the frames are bent and they don't fit right over my eyes. I feel like life is a little like that--disjointed and battered, and if you focus on one thing for too long it just starts to hurt and make you dizzy. 

Basically, I just want to tell you not to worry about it. Life is messy. I know I am messy! (Ask any of my old roommates...) And if you focus too hard, or try to do everything at once, you might end up like I did today; in the middle of a crowd, at a loss for what to do, too overwhelmed to do anything but laugh (or cry), and completely embarrassed. So don't worry about it. Go with it, give it to God, and let Him be the one who directs you. Learn to laugh at yourself and your mistakes, and take them in stride. Easier said than done, yes, but it's worth it. 

Don't worry about it. :)

I Had a Dream Once

Imagine a river, its silvery water writhing and collapsing around itself. It cascades along, careless. You can hear the power in that water. You can see the intensity, feel the noise of the waves bouncing off rapids. Stemming from the mountains, the water is frigid, breathtaking. It's purifying, refreshing, cleansing water. Even when you're standing hundreds of feet away, you can still hear the music of the water, screaming its melodies over rocks and branches and banks, rushing and falling and lapping against itself and the earth.

Somehow though, as you go about whatever you have on your agenda during the day, the fact that a river exists a short distance away slips your mind. Oh, the remembrance of it still exists in the back of your mind, you haven't actually forgotten, but it's no longer a conscious thought. You no longer revel in the throaty, beautiful sound it produces. The incredible sense of peace and passion it had previously evoked in your spirit has dimmed...

Sometimes you remember the river and your heart beats a little faster in anticipation of hearing it once again, seeing its power and hearing the glorious noise it creates.

Sometimes your concentration breaks a bit and the noise rushes over you again and you breathe a sigh, because it's a wonderful sound.

Sometimes you don't even notice that you're not noticing anymore.

Sometimes you forget altogether, and wander away, and never return.

Oh, that we would remember.

Can you imagine? Can you imagine living every day being able to hear the glorious, melodious sound echoing slightly in your spirit? And when you really want to experience it in its fullness, all you need to do is wander to the edges and take it in. Immerse yourself in it, even, if you need refreshment. It may seem painful or cold at first, but afterwards you won't regret it, because you feel renewed, awake and alive and alert. It's wonderful.

Imagine if Jesus was this river. Just think about it. And then, when you've thought about that for a bit, 

re-read this post. 

My desire is to live with the crash and murmur of His presence, of His voice, living in my spirit every moment of my life. I desire Him. 

What would it be like to feel Him every second of the day, whether awake or asleep? Can you imagine the beauty, the refreshing, gorgeous, incredible, awe-inspiring, breathtaking wonder that would be?

Can you imagine?

Oregon. Laughter. Waterfall.

I'm sitting at my computer in sweats and a t-shirt, drinking steaming homemade Chai tea, face scrubbed clean of makeup. It's raining outside. I'm exhausted. I'm listening to chill music. I went camping this past weekend, so being clean, in clean sweats and having clean hair feels incredible.

This past weekend was a challenge for me. I was invited by a friend to go camping near Roseburg, Oregon, with her former college group from Suburban Christian Church. I headed to Oregon on Monday the 21st, and spent a few days with my friend before we drove down to Corvallis to meet up at Suburban on Friday with the group of campers who were heading in earlier than others. 

First of all: I love camping. And I absolutely love meeting new people. But this weekend, God had a lesson for me.

When we arrived at our campsite and had finished setting up, and the rest of the campers arrived, we ate dinner and played a few games that helped us familiarize ourselves with each other. Normally, I'm pretty good at meeting people and starting up conversations, but for some reason this weekend, I was scared. Terrified of messing up and of letting people down. I hadn't realized I had slipped back into the fear of man until Saturday afternoon. I was invited multiple times to go hiking with a few different groups of people during free time Saturday, but I declined. I suppose that I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to keep up (I have exercise-induced asthma... LAME excuse not to go hiking!) or that I'd not know how to strike up conversation. Essentially, I was being a complete bore and absolutely ridiculous. 

Instead of hiking, I went down to the river and sat against one of the concrete pillars holding up one side of the bridge. I brought my Bible and notebook down with me and set them both down under a plant growing on the side of the concrete and rocks I was sitting on. I took a sip of my tea from my mug... and just listened.

Have you ever sat beside a river and just let the noise of the water wash over you? It's healing. It's cleansing. It's exhilarating. As I was sitting, a thought popped into my head.

"Em... what are you afraid of?" 

Confused, I answered. "Sickness. Pain...being caged...?" I wasn't entirely sure where this was going.

"No." The thought echoed, persistent, "What are you afraid of? Why are you afraid to speak to people? Why are you afraid to interact?" 

I was blown away. Here I was, sitting alone by a river, feeling sorry for myself, when I had clearly been asked and sought after by multiple people. I had been given opportunity to engage in numerous activities and tasks, and had backed out on each one. Seriously, how silly can I be? 

I spent some time in prayer and talking to God about my fears of people, and He so graciously reminded me that His strength is sufficient, and that my joy can be found in Him, not in the approval or thoughts of man. GOODNESS how freeing that can be! 

I'd love to say that I didn't give it another thought that weekend, but that would be lying. However, I did make an effort to be interactive with the rest of the group, and as I let myself out of my shell more, I received an incredible amount of acceptance, understanding, and love from those around me. I was talking with a friend about this, and she brought up an interesting question:

How often do we miss the love and grace that's offered or poured out to us, just because we are so intent on ourselves and our "protection"? I tend to completely, if unintentionally, ignore what's being set right in front of me out of concern for myself. I had realized this half a year ago, but I didn't realize how incredibly easy it was to slip back into this. Once I opened up, though... dang. God used my time so well. I was privileged to be able to share my complete story with two of my new friends, and stay up late talking with a friend about life, passions, dreams, and all the in-between things. 

Moral of this post: Trust. Don't let the little things get in the way. Deep down, there will always be a bit of insecurity. It's sad, but true, and being human and sinners, I don't think that it will ever go away. Thankfully, we serve a God, a Daddy, who is bigger, and stronger, and so much more on fire with passion for us that we can ever imagine. He will always carry us through, and when it's too much for us, that's where He begins to work most powerfully, because that is where we need to surrender. It was hard to learn surrender this weekend, but it ended up being a beautiful exchange, and in turn I was able to experience incredible grace and joy.

So, sitting here, in my sweats and finishing up my Chai... I'm entirely thankful to claim the love of my Daddy who fought for me, and will continue to fight for me. Thanks Jesus, for Your gentle and passionate ways of reminding me of my fragility and Your unending strength.

GOLLY! This is real life.

Let me just open this little post with a fabulous verse from one of my favorite books in the Bible:

"Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the Lord with all his might," -2 Samuel 6:14 (I encourage you to read the entire passage, though, because it both speaks of God's holy power, and it's hilarious. Just a side note.) I've had a ton of realizations and deep thoughts lately, and I just wanted to take a second and praise Jesus. So, join with me as I give all the glory to HIM!

I am stoked for life, because Jesus is in life, which means life is exquisite, and lovely, and no matter what happens, I can have JOY, and I have PURPOSE, and I can sing and dance and shout and look like a complete fool, and people can stare at me and make fun of me, and I don't have to worry because I am flawed, and I know it, and I know that I am exceptionally beautiful to my Daddy, Jesus, and He is all that matters to me right now, and is the One who lifts my head in EVERY circumstance, and He has SO much power and has given me SO much potential and love for people and for life, and a passion to see healing and restoration brought to our generation and to our world, and HE is the center of my passions and I look to HIM for direction, and He knows of every imperfection in me and still loves me, and I can do nothing to change that; I can dance unashamedly before my God and sing with all of my might (those are worth repeating, so much FREEDOM in these actions!), I am so thankful and in awe and completely blown away that I am my Beloved's, and He is mine!

Lilies. Wild. Joy. Me.

These are a ton of thoughts melded together... so bear with me. A lot of realization and such happens in the lines following!

I just had the overwhelming urge to laugh. For me, this is no surprise. I am constantly laughing, constantly finding even the simplest of things to be hilarious. But tonight, it's for a different reason... I had a realization. A re-realization, I suppose, since it's nothing new, just a thought that is deciding to revisit my brain again.
I have been called a new name by God! He gave me a new name (a few, actually) when He took my shame and pain and chains away from me, and I am just now realizing how incredibly FREE that makes me! (Yeah, I've talked about this before. But hang tight. Freedom isn't something that gets old. If anything, it gets better.)
 
He has called me JOY! I am free to laugh, free to burst into a new spasm of giggles whenever I want, because in Him I have gained the freedom to be joyful in every circumstance, the freedom to laugh like a fool, because I don't care if I am one. I absolutely love that I can be a fool for Him and still know that He loves me. He isn't embarrassed to be seen with me.
I see in my mind's eye a picture of a woman standing in the rain, jumping in puddles and laughing, her face tilted upwards as the raindrops pour over her creamy skin, washing away her makeup and her masks and every single bit of self-consciousness and insecurity. She is wearing a purple jacket, the color of royalty.
Jesus absolutely loves to dance in the rain with us. He absolutely loves the joy that seeps through my smile during those times that I sit with my friends and I just can't seem to contain my laughter, my grin breaks through and I can't help but giggle, while everyone shoots me glances that label me as crazy or weird.

He has called me Precious! Even on those nights where I curl up in my bed and cry, full of pain from past hurts. He sets people in my path daily that affirm that name, and no matter what, I can't get rid of them. He shows me my worth through His nature and His book. I'm His baby girl. And He hold me close as such.
 
He has called me Pure! My past doesn't matter! Whatever insecurities I had about myself and the things that I have experienced/done, those don't matter any more. They're gone. Left. Washed away by those tiny raindrops of grace that seem to constantly fall from His hands that are stretched out over me.


He has called me Wild! No matter what, my heart will not be tamed, and He adores that. He loves that I am His to hold and to carry wherever His wind will take me. I may be afraid to follow Him at times, but He knows that my spirit is strong and my passion for Him only stokes with time. He is the one who calls out the passion and strength in me, He alone is the reason for these things. His love for me is wild... as is mine for Him.

These are a few names He has given me... and they are precious to me. I want for His love and His glory to be evident through these characters in me. I want His passion to be stoked in me. He is worthy. And He has given me hope.

Breathe. Today is New.

Sometimes I am so blown away by God, by how incredibly passionate He is about me, by how intense His heart is for me, that all I can do is sit and breathe. Every breath, every time I am aware of Him, every time I take a step...it speaks of HIS beauty. It speaks of HIS glory. His heart absolutely thrives when I take the time to look Him in the eye and say, "Hey... I love you Dad."

Each breath of mine whispers a heartbeat of His. I long for my step to fall in with His path. My eyes to be full of His love. My hands to cradle the ones He loves, to hold them and to cherish them as if they were royalty. When I look at others, I don't want to see their faces. I want to see their hearts, their spirits as God created them to be.

I desire to be so in tune with Him and His presence that my confidence in Him doesn't stand on circumstance. It doesn't waver when people look me in the eye and tell me to prove His existence. It doesn't falter when my future is unclear.

I long to be so caught up in Him that there is hardly a distinction between where He begins and I end. No distinction at all, if possible. And the day when I get to run to His arms and have him swing me around, the day I get to sit in His presence and laugh with Him... that will be a sweet, sweet day.