Not Just Another Journey

"You don't become a new person by changing your behavior. You discover the person that you already are in Christ and you start to behave accordingly because the Holy Spirit is with you. He makes moves on you. Uncommon love is present and active for your good." -Graham Cooke

I've been listening to a lot of Graham Cooke recently, diving into his 'Uncommon Love' series. A part of his message is about baggage, about the things that we've carried into our present-future from our past. 

We're four days into this January 2013 DTS here at DP, and it's going wonderfully. Right now the students are taking advantage of their first free day so far by heading into town, snorkeling, kayaking and playing volleyball. It's fantastic to have so many people around again. 

There's already been some insane freedom happening here; the students shared their testimonies last night and some of them bared their hearts like they've never bared them before. It's beautiful to see so many young people laying their hearts out and trusting that they will be safe; sharing their lives and letting their walls come down, their vulnerable sides be visible for a split second. 

My heart is already wrenching for them; some have come from some incredibly hard situations and I feel so privileged to have heard their stories and have them give permission for me to speak into their lives. Connections are being made between us as staff and them as students, and I feel more and more the need to be 100% real with them in everything I say and do. This isn't a group to trifle with. None of them ever are, but I already feel the strong pull of leadership in their lives and I feel like I've been given an ability to tap into their hearts and see what God wants to say specifically to each one of them.

His faithfulness has already been showing up to these 25 amazing college-aged men and women, and I am so excited to see how they respond and grow as He continues to break down the walls they've built up inside and pour into them until they have that moment where they get it. That moment where they absolutely get His love and get His touch and feel what He has for them. I can't wait for the dawn to break in their lives. So many of them have been found wanting, have been lacking something and have been searching for it for such a long time. My heart is pulled towards them with a love that can only come from the Father; a love and a passion to see them succeed, and to see them explode into a passionate, worshipful, strong and healthy school. 

These students have it. They have so much potential that it blows me away to even think about it. Their strong character and the depth of their hearts and personalities is breath-taking. I'm already so proud of them all, and we've just barely wrapped up orientation week! They have a hunger and a heartbeat and thirst for God that I haven't seen before; an almost dire desperation to find Him, to be close to Him, to find that purpose and that strength and that security and that love that only He can provide. 

This is always a journey, and I am so thankful for that. The ability to build and work and live together in relationship and community with one another is always an adventure. Having 25 more people move into our home here is wonderful, and I can't even begin to describe the excitement I feel when I think about how far these students will have come at the end of the school. I feel such fierce loyalty to fight for them, to urge them every step of the way towards Jesus, to love them with everything He gives me. They are so worth this. 

The baggage is about to be non-existent. Freedom is coming so swiftly that I can't even begin to follow it. Like I said; it's a process, but it's about to get real, and intense, and wonderful. God is so good!

Climb.

I admit, I've been procrastinating. I've been locking myself away and reading, and watching movies, and not writing. I've been preoccupied with moving through the days until the next school starts, rationalizing that once those days hit, I'll be doing something worthwhile. Guess what?

Today is worthwhile.

Today is worth living.

And I forgot that.

I forgot that I am here for a purpose; and every single day that I don't chase after that purpose, I'm wasting time. My purpose here is to know Jesus and to proclaim Him and His love and His majesty and wonder over everything I come in contact with. So, today I decided to do things differently. I spent the entire morning with Jesus. Not making up for lost time, because I can't get that time back, but making a conscious effort to restore my relationship with Him. I've been on a bit of a roller coaster since being in Belize; during the last school I was actively pursuing God, wandering in His wake. It was amazing, until I let my guard down. And then I started to become apathetic about it, and I didn't wake up for Him in the morning. I woke up for me...I woke up so I could walk through another day. I let things like homesickness and doubt distract me from His ever-waving arms. I let Him become something that was comfortable and worn, something that I put on when I want to feel warm and cozy, much like my old sweatpants.

I was reading this morning, and the book I was reading was talking about the God of Ezekiel. Have you ever read the book of Ezekiel? It's all about a jealous God. A God who doesn't stand up and let people get away with wickedness. It is about a fierce, warrior God who loves His people so much, He won't watch them go to ruin. He will let them take the consequences for their actions, though.

Want to know what crossed my mind this morning? God's not a pair of old, worn out sweatpants. God is a God of love, terrible and passionate love that will stop at no bounds. He is a God of fire and water, a God of justice and of mercy. A gentle God. An intense God. A lover God. A wild, and powerful, and relentless God. A holy God.

And I completely lost sight of that. Needless to say, I was humbled by this revelation, and I sat with Him talking and reading more about His incredible nature, listening to Him as He poured His devotion over me.

It's been hard for me recently. I'm a part of a school that disciples young people to go into life and become leaders in faith, leaders in ministry, leaders in integrity. We are now moving into a time where we will have 4 schools per year, and I have the wonderful privilege of staffing here. That means that I am a girls small group leader--I mentor and counsel and pray over and live for my girls as they are here. Last school, there were 9 girls in my group, and I was absolutely in rapture with the love that God gave me for them. I got to sit with them and hear their stories; stories of pain, of humiliation, of self-hurt and of abuse. I got to counsel them, to walk with them through memories and feelings and their own tortured thoughts, speaking God's light and life into them as we went.

I had the chance to chase after them as they bolted to the end of the dock and fell onto their knees, sobbing in the sheer pain of their circumstances. I had the freedom to pull them into my arms and hold them, tears slipping down my own face as I prayed for words, and if none came, I sat with them in silence, letting them cry it out as I held them, as Jesus held both of us in His presence.

And when those young women sat before me at the end of the school and I spoke to them about how they had impacted me, about how I had seen the change in them as they grew closer to God, I was so proud, so privileged to see them grin, their eyes glowing as they walked away with their heads held high in trust of the Father, in trust of His plan for them, in a new mindset of self-esteem and love.

I played a piece in a wild, incredible transformation. My girls left this space with a new breath in their lungs. They are changed for the better, and not by my doing. I was just a tool in this, and it's not over. They will continue to grow and flourish as they go on in life. 

This is what I do here, this is why I am here. To serve this awe-inspiring, trustworthy, fierce, loyal, loving, passionate, wonderful, crazy God. And He is constantly calling out His plea for us to join Him... today, I will.  And tomorrow, I will. And the next day, I will choose this.

Because He is worthy of this.

Thrive

I honestly don't know how to start this. I would absolutely love to describe the past three months in a way that grasps everything that has happened, but even the aspiration of such a task seems insurmountable.

I could try to paint a picture of the countless lives that were transformed; lay out stories of individuals whose hearts were wrecked by God in a way that one could only understand if their heart had been through a similar process.

I could draw out pages and pages of details on the healings and freedoms and perspectives gained. I could speak of the demons shattered and the heart-wrenching memories broken; of the strongholds of the enemy that were infiltrated and captured for the King.

I could describe the moments where I sat and held students shaking, sobbing, crying out in pain or fear. I could explain the way that my heart wrenched with anguish on the nights that I wandered around the deserted base, praying and crying, letting my frustration at the enemy vent as I prayed against his very existence on our base.

I could recount many nights of laughter, sitting at the drink palapa with guitars and coke, playing cards and losing game after game after game to one of the students. I could sketch moments of pure ecstasy, where I'm sitting with my small group girls on the end of the dock, washing their feet and blessing them one-by-one as the rest of them swim around the dock or stand on the bench dancing and shouting with laughter.

I could try to describe so many moments...but I don't think I can capture them in a way that they are meant to be captured. I could use all the adjectives in the world and still not convey the right meaning for certain moments.

These three months have been full of 34 students whose lives have been insanely transformed; both audaciously and subtly. Watching them flourish and rise from ashes of past hurts, misgivings, destructive behaviors, and hostile mindsets has been such an extraordinary happening to be a part of.

The September 2012 Lecture Phase is coming to a close for these students, and as they take off to head to their different countries for outreach, I couldn't be more proud. I have been here to witness and encourage them through three months of their lives, and I am ecstatic to hear about their adventures on outreach. I can't describe my love for them, and the best part is; I get to do this all over again in January, with a new set of students.

I realized a few days ago that I am a part of something so incredibly large, so incredibly important; something  that makes a large impression on the lives of many people. And I have the immense privilege of watching men and women of God filter through this school and learn about His awesome, magnificent, marvelous love. I get to be a part of guiding them, of encouraging and listening to them, of praying with them through the night and rejoicing with them through the brilliant dawn.

I am a part of a movement that is so large and encompassing; so important and beautiful; and I am so humbled by that. The fact that I get to live in Belize and watch freedom and healing happen before my very eyes--to facilitate freedom and healing... this is incredible. This is a huge responsibility. It's excruciatingly intricate sometimes. It's extremely taxing. It's abundantly rewarding. And I love every moment of it.

I feel like I'm in my element; learning and teaching, growing and molding, being and doing, following and leading. It's an endless cycle of hope and tears, of joy and sadness. It's beautiful.

And it takes more than just me. I am so privileged to have such a vast prayer team at home; friends and family that are willing to keep me on their hearts in prayer. They are the reason I am here right now; the reason this is so effective. The reason I can be with my small group girls and speak life over them as they sit before me voicing doubts, or dance with them as they gain healing and hope. I LOVE THIS. And I LOVE the team behind me that is supporting me.

So I continue to be thankful, to realize that this endeavor is more than I could ever imagine. To become more vulnerable and more stable in our Jesus, in the Holy Spirit, in my Daddy. I am taking hold of the joy He has given me as a gift, and embracing these students as they head off this week into a new adventure, into a new lifestyle. I've found my place for this season; my sweet spot.

And so I will continue to soak in Jesus, to write, and share my thoughts, and be present, and thrive.

Walking Over Fire

Three weeks have passed since this school started, and each day has been packed full of activity. 

Week three is coming to a close, and the students are blowing my mind.

This past week Lynn Toney has been teaching. Her week was all about gaining freedom through forgiveness, acknowledging your patterns of sin, and processing everything that's happened to you in your past to shape who you are today. Every day this week has been intense; Lynn has been cracking down on the students and pouring God's love and passion over them--challenging them every step of the way to face their pasts, acknowledge their present behavior and thought process, and to gain freedom for their future.

I am so proud of every single student here. They've been slowly moving forward, taking ownership of their character and deciding whether or not to live out their lives in integrity. We've been constantly praying and doing spiritual battle with them over their relationships with God and their roles here on earth. Some of these students are challenging--there are always a few--but it's been incredibly encouraging and beautiful to see every single person opening up a bit more to the prospect that they have a significant dent on this earth, and that God has so much more for them than living in the places that they're at; full of hurt, anger, apathy. 

It's a beautiful thing when you start to see 34 students have light-bulb moments, moments where they start to get that they're not as put together as they think, and that they want God so much more than the worlds influences. They're learning that their pasts dictate how they see God, that they need to get past that point where they think He brought everything upon them, but that He did in fact walk through every moment with them.

This week has been powerful, we've seen some students start to break apart the walls around their hearts and embrace the love and freedom that God is pouring into them. Some of them don't realize it's a process quite yet and it won't happen in one moment, but they'll get it.

This is a beautiful, heart-wrenching, incredible process to be a part of. It's such an honor to be a small group leader to nine girls whose hearts are in completely different places, who come from intensely different situations and families but still have beautiful characteristics or past happenings in common. Each one of "my girls", and every single other student on this base--male or female--is a profound statement of the love and passion that Jesus has for this earth. The fact that He's brought together 34 incredibly different personalities and somehow made them all click is a testimony of His greatness in itself. Each one of these beautiful children of the Most High are becoming more and more precious in my heart, and I can't wait to see where He will bring them. 

Jesus is good. His love is pouring over this school--over the staff and the students--in an alarming wave of healing and freedom. This is like walking over coals to some of us--to most of us. The students are heading into unknown territory; walking through their pasts and making a decision whether or not to live in freedom and let healing overtake them.

PRAYER REQUESTS

Please continue to pray that we would all be open to the Holy Spirit and His movement and direction. He's been leading us into battle against the enemy, and it's been a beautiful and difficult process. 

Please continue to pray for spiritual strength and unity for the staff members, that we would be completely open with each other and that God's grace, peace and courage would infiltrate every situation that we walk through with the students.

Please pray that the students would continue to embrace Jesus, to let Him hug them in return and take away their pain. They're unsure and frustrated, but it's been amazing so far. The enemy SO wants to take them down, and in a way it's working with some of them. 

But we as believers have a bigger power and the authority, so let's claim that! 

God has SO much healing and restoration in store for this school. He has been speaking integrity and character over them at every single turn, and I am praying that they begin to own that. 

Galatians 5:19-25

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;  idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

Thank you for your support--I appreciate every single one of you!

And then I Became Undone

There's something about a bonfire that draws me in. The flame is so mesmerizing, dancing and twirling around the wood, creating and re-creating an endless recital of passion.

Last night I was gathered around a bonfire with five of my closest friends, and as we sat and talked and laughed together, something in the atmosphere was unleashed. A passion that had been kindled in each of our hearts was slowly loosed as we began to venture deeper into topics close to our hearts.

I have been struggling in the weeks past. I have been hearing from God and blatantly ignoring His call and His direction. He has been pouring into me a desire and a passion that I have been pushing aside and refusing to take a closer look at. Last night I expressed my distress and frustration over this, and a friend asked me, "Emily. What are you afraid of?"

Though I knew the answer, this question knocked me off of my feet. How blind I have been! I have seen what God asks of me, I have seen visions and heard songs that speak of what will come, should I choose to follow His calling. I have had dreams full of His heart for others and His desire to heal and provide for the hurting, for the desperate, for the lost and the angry. I know what I am supposed to do. And until now, I haven't wanted to acknowledge it. Last night, however... something broke. My heart has been harboring fear of the unknown, and as my friend provoked me to think about this, something in my spirit came undone.

I am afraid of people. I am afraid that when I step out into what my Father is calling me to do, I will look like a fool. I'm afraid that I will be looked down upon, and I will be despised, rejected, and cast away from people. I know that what I am called to do is big, and I know that I will lose face. I have been afraid of stepping away from my pride for fear I will lose it, and I have been afraid that my reputation will be shot once I move into this boldness that is drawing me nearer.

Today, I am here to say that I am willing. I am willing to look the part of a fool. I am willing to be cast aside. I am willing to lose my reputation, to lose my friendships, to lose my family and my church and my house and every single comfort that I have. I am willing, because I know that no matter what, no matter how far I go, no matter where I am called, the Protector and the Redeemer is standing right next to me. Ultimately, that is what matters. I am willing to lose my life of comfort and of standards and of expectations to pick up the life of a servant, a life of servitude and blessing others, a life of joy and of pain and of laughter and tears, of stepping into the places no one else is willing to go, of going there with people and being one hundred percent vulnerable and open. I am willing to lose it all, because through losing this life, I am gaining a much better one.

So this is me, expressing my fears and my faults and my failures and thanking God that HE is sovereign and that HE is my identity and my drivng force. Without Him, I will come undone. Within Him, I am unstoppable. I claim His power and His freedom and His strength, boldness, and courage, and I say that this life I am living, it's His.

Here I am, I stand with arms wide open, to the One, the Son, the everlasting God.